Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

Not a chance. Turn up and attend a wedding ina church? Yes. I might even sing a hymn or two if its one I like, but offer individual prayers out loud? That's a no from me.

In your shoes, I'd join in with the communal singing/mumbling of prayers
And try to compromise by offering good wishes/hopes without mentioning God etc.

Nah. Id join in the hymns but that would be it from me.

Attending the wedding in a church as a non believer, and following the traditions (standard prayers, hymns, etc) = polite behaviour.
Asking attendees to say individual prayers when you know they don't believe in Christianity - unpolite!

He's entitled to his faith. He's not entitled to force it on you. I think you're perfectly within your rights to say that you're not comfortable saying individual prayers.

You could get round it by saying you aren't comfortable with public speaking. I wouldn't be. But then I wouldn't be with the enforced personal prayer either. Do you have to go?

Honestly it’s his wedding day, just play along. You don’t need to believe any of it but if it means a lot to him then ultimately what’s the harm. You could explain to your kids that this isn’t what you believe in but you’re doing it to be kind to your relative on his wedding day.

I can’t say it bothers me - as you say the prayers are meaningless so all pretty pointless but if I’m ever in church I may sing the hymns and join in the Lord’s Prayer. I don’t say amen at the end of the prayers offered but if it was really important to someone on their special day then, as it means nothing to me, i would

i had a non religious wedding and if someone had asked if they could say a prayer or something I would have said no - so kind of the opposite situation

I'm not especially anti religion, but I'd find it very uncomfortable to offer prayers out loud.

I agree with PP, attending and respecting the traditions is reasonable, the rest is too much.

I’d probably give the wedding a miss entirely if I felt as strongly as you @Tootoomooch.

Don't go. I think if you accept a wedding invite and there are 'absolutely no children' or 'everyone wear black' or 'shout out 15 Hail Marys' as an indication of what the bride and groom expect then you take this into account. And you accept or decline on the terms laid out.

A militant atheist invited to a very religious do? Just decline politely.

Sing along with any hymns you know? Fine. Offer up individual prayers out loud? That’s a much bigger ask, and probably unreasonable. CoI: Catholic

I would contact them and say this makes you very uncomfortable. Ask if you can just attend the evening celebrations if they're having any, if not I'd be sending my gift with apologies.

To you point about his beliefs trumping yours, how would you feel if it was e.g. a Muslim wedding? I'd still go and respect the traditions, recite anything that was put in front of me, but I wouldn't feel it appropriate to participate personally and individually in any religious part.

Instead of prayer you could just say ‘I wish you a long and happy lives togther’ rather than referencing God.

In pretty much exactly the same situation, i joined in the communal stuff - it doesn’t count if you don’t say “Amen” 😉. For my individual offering, I just wished them a long and happy marriage.

Pick a nice quote or something about marriage that isn’t a prayer and doesn’t mention god or religion and then just recite it when it’s your turn to offer a ´prayer’.

Could you find a humanist reading that would be appropriate? I'm sure that you can find a way to wish them all the best without religious references.

I used to be a militant atheist - something which made me quite angry. But I have now moved on from that to indifference about organised religion and a vague feeling of sympathy for those caught up in it. This feels much healthier to me.

In your case I would atteend, sing along to any songs I liked and if asked to pray aloud for the newly weds would say something along the lines of “I wish them both all the best for their future life together”

No anger. No militancy. Thoughts firmly focussed on the champagne to follow.

I agree with this.

Is this Groomzilla ? 🤣

I am atheist and go to Irish catholic weddings/funerals etc and just do not do any of the singing/praying etc that comes with it. It really is not a fuss to sit there and just NOT get involved while respecting others choices.

I’m Jewish, but I end up attending lots of things in church. It’s just about honouring the couple and their marriage with your presence. You don’t have to join in, but also I wouldn’t make a big deal of it. I don’t personally say the prayers or sing the hymns, but I’m happy to sit and stand and bow my head in respect as requested. You can just say you aren’t comfortable doing a prayer if it’s super prayer-y. Alternatively, you can offer to do a non-religious reading if they are happy to select one.

I don’t really have an issue with saying ‘I hope God blesses your marriage’ or whatever they are expecting because for them that would be important and to me it would be meaningless

but if someone said that to me at my wedding I would find it inappropriate because I don’t believe in their god so it’s a meaningless sentiment

I could probably get on board with the singing. Though it might depend on the choice of hymns. If I didn't feel comfortable with it, I would just stand respectfully while letting everyone else get on with it.

With regards to the individual prayer, this is a bizarre request from someone who knows that you're atheist, but to keep the peace, I would go along with it in a non-religious way - just expressing my hopes for the happy couple without any reference to any god. "May you be happy and healthy" type thing.

You need to decline the invitation. Say 'it appears that it's going to be VERY religious, with prayers, and bible reading and everything. As a staunch atheist, I'm not comfortable coming sorry. All the best though. Hope you have a good day!'

@TootoomoochIt would depend. I’m an atheist too. I would happily go and sing some hymns- although I would put money on them being those awful , dirge like modern hymns that overtly devout Christians (maybe he ought to check what Jesus said about that)seem to go for. Make me a Channel of your Peace springs to mind. Then I would either just give my good wishes when asked to pray. Or, depending on the level of badness I felt, I would find a couple of lines of poetry-I’ll help you look for something. Or Khalil Gibran. They probably won’t like him.