Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

I was brought up as a church going Christian and took my religion pretty seriously.
But it's many years now since I became an aethiest, albeit still admiring some of the more socialist and benign Christian teachings.
I'm afraid it was the behaviour of quite a lot of committed Christians that disillusioned me. And someone that demanded people to stand up and say prayers for him and his bride whether they were believers or not, or if they were believers but weren't comfortable with doing this, would be one of the people that would really put me off organised religion.
I would sing the hymns - and possibly enjoy them. But would not say an individual prayer.

Just politely opt out of the prayers etc on the grounds that you're not Christian. Tell them in advance you'll be doing so. Then if they want to disinvite you based on that you'll probably be quite relieved!

But Groomzilla has 'requested' people participate in singing and praying.

I wouldn't say that personally because it wouldn't be genuine. I can't hope that God blesses anything because I don't think God is real. But I could say "may your marriage be a long and happy one" or something along those lines.

Nothing worse than when no one signs hymns at a wedding, its really awful.

Individual prayers. Step too far.

I suppose I see it as supporting them in their delusion

Surely if you don't believe it, it's just words like any other song or poem. I don't agree with the sentiment of some pop songs, but I'll still sing along.

How about this Celtic Blessing:

Peace of the running water to you,
Peace of the flowing air to you,
Peace of the quiet earth to you,
Peace of the shining stars to you,
And the love and the care from us all to you.

Bloody hell, I go to church but there's no way I'd want to do this at a wedding!

I think this is really sad. I am an atheist and have attended beautiful Jewish, Muslim and Sikh weddings as well as Christian weddings of various denominations, and participated in many. Shutting yourself off from people who think differently from you is just so closed-minded.

Yeah, I get it, but I wouldn't do that personally. Happy to go along to witness their religious ceremony - regardless of which faith it is - but not going to pretend that I buy into it in any way.

Hire the choir ☺️

We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

FTS. You are under no obligation @Tootoomooch . With such a request/instruction I'd probably be somewhat glib with my no can do. I suppose it depends how much the relationship means to you and how bothered you'll be by potential resulting consequences.

Participating is fine, if you're comfortable with what you have been asked to do. Nobody should have to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable though.

I wouldn't want to say a fake prayer, personally. To me, it would feel very disrespectful towards the beliefs of those who actually follow a religion.

To illustrate a different perspective, I am a regular church goer.

Sometimes people have christenings where the guests are really rude during the service. Like, they’d be annoying if they were at a cinema, for example.

It’s possible the couple have seen similar rudeness at events in the past and want to avoid it. Seems a bit heavy handed though, given they’ve presumably not invited anyone that’s rude.

But the person asking knows op is an atheist (and everyone I know does too) - so if they’ve asked it then they are also aware I don’t believe it. Now they could be doing it for other reasons - they don’t want their church community to know OP isn’t a believer for example - and I really couldn’t care less. If later someone were to ask me what church I go to I would happily tell them I don’t and why

I am happy to sing in church (not sure everyone is happy to hear my singing!) quite like a hymn, from a tune point of view. Sit quietly when prayers are said. If I had to say something individual, I would give them a blessing, but it wouldn't be religious in any way, so something like another poster said, wishing them a long and happy marriage

No way. This is ridiculously intrusive. I’d be saying I’m not going at all.

But is it actually a "fake prayer" if you say "I wish you many years of happiness" or something?

Thank you all for the replies so far. I’m reading them all and don’t want to commit the cardinal sin (see what I did there) of not returning to the thread. Want to see a few more replies come in, but I am struck by offering to say something non-religious. It’s a good compromise which hadn’t occurred to me. I fear I’ll actually be presented with a pre-approved script so it may be a non-starter, but it’s a useful way of challenging my natural reluctance to compromise 😀.

Ask your friend why they are making you do religious things when they know you are a non-believer.
A direct question should force them to look again at their request.
You could add that you are happy to attend the ceremony as a mark of respect for their union,but feel it would be hypocritical to say prayers.
If it were me I would say that I would rather not attend if the prayers are non negotiable.

I would hope they wouldn't kick off if you didn't mention God in your blessing to them, because that certainly wouldn't be very Christian!

That is really weird OP. I cannot imagine a church where non believers would be expected to pray out loud. In fact I doubt there is one.

Is it just your family members being bride/groomzilla ish and asking you to mouthe the hymns and read out the collective prayers along with everyone else?
Or they actually want you to come up with your own prayer?

Fair enough, I'm not criticising. Just saying that I wouldn't personally feel comfortable with that.

Requesting joining in with singing: how will they ever know, unless you were due to do a solo

Random prayers out loud from congregation - unlikely and there won't be time for 100 guests to all do this, just keep quiet. I go to quite a happy clappy church and even we keep weddings to a fairly simple service with a few selected people leading prayers, or it would take hours.

I feel like there may have been a misunderstanding but they will surely respect your wish to quietly opt out of those aspects, unless they are as dim as they are devout...