Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

This. Be kind, it means nothing to you but a lot to him

If you don’t believe in it then you’re just singing to the 4 walls of the building and your prayers are just keeping your vocal chords busy. So there’s nothing lost for you really is there? On the other hand the family member has a nice wedding. Just mumble a bit anyway, most people are crap at singing hymns when I hear them. No big deal.

Saying the word “pray” is in itself problematic and offensive to many people. I don’t pray, it’s demeaning. If there are more evolved beings in the universe, that doesn’t mean humans should worship those beings.

Nuanced. You've admitted to being confrontational so I'm offering this advice on that basis.

Just be agreeable this once. Everyone has their own beliefs, and a wedding is just a ceremony imbued with whatever beliefs the couple have.

If people can manage all kinds of mixed faith relationships, surely families can go along with it for their sakes?

The thing is, it's not about you. You're prepared to hurt your brother just to make a political and ideological statement. Which might wash if it was your wedding, but it's not. Weddings are a frigging nightmare to organise, with everyone expecting to be treated like a Royal visit.

It is very customary to participate in the ceremony, and that will therefore mean aligning with whatever belief system it is embedded in.

Say you were asked to sing a Buddhist chant or remote a Rumi poem, you'd probably go along with it. Just because it addresses an abstract imaginary friend (God), its not a profession of faith.

I've mumbled my way through baptisms, where im having to reject Satan and all his works. That was easy as I don't even believe in him.

I would draw the line at being asked to recite the Creed in front of a crowd, or be actually anointed. But mumbling words I'm OK with if it avoids a big fuss.

Id struggle going in a church but if I did i would 100% just stand and sit when asked. No singing or prayers or participation. I take my atheism as seriously as people take their religion. I dont believe at all so why would I join in hyms never mind prayers. No harm in you not participating, they invited you knowing your beliefs so shouldn't be surprised at you keeping quiet. Like you say it will send mixed messages to children

Id just decline the invitation Problem solved

Presumably your family member is aware you are not a believer- because the way your post reads it sounds as if they might be unaware. You have to tell him/her you are not believers so you would not be comfortable reading prayers out- you must tell them BEFORE the wedding, don't make a big thing of the confrontation.

I've been taken along to a lot of church stuff with my mother over the years as she is quite involved and can never say no to helping anyone. I'll sit with her and happily chat to people, but if there's any communion or anything more committed I just politely decline. I've never had any confrontation about it, they've always been very kind and understanding. Same with some very religious weddings. We have just taken ourselves to the back and tried to not get too involved in anything we are uncomfortable with. If anyone questions I just tell them I did years of Sunday school as a child, but it is just not for me. 😆 x

I’m Jewish. I am happy to attend non-Jewish religious events but absolutely would not participate in prayers or hymns during a service. I am very respectful of others religion (or not), but even going back to school in the 70s I was not allowed by my parents to attend assemblies as at that time they had to include an act of Christian worship.
I am hugely appreciative of my non Jewish friends who for example attended and supported me through my dad’s funeral, but would never have expected them to participate in the service,
Attend and enjoy this wedding, but you can (and should) politely refuse to pray or sing as this is against your beliefs.

I was a “strident” atheist… back when I was an angry, angsty teenager.

Then I realized that I was just making myself upset and wasting energy on being a hostile, “strident” atheist. I realized that nothing my religious family members could do/say would change my beliefs (well, my lack thereof), and nothing I could do/say would stop them from proselytizing and trying to convert me. So I stopped being so strident, as it were, and let a lot of my hostility go.

I’m 43 now and I just smile and nod whenever someone tries to cram religion down my throat. I don’t even label myself an atheist any more - I’m just nonreligious and I do not have any religious faith or beliefs. (Atheism, to me, implies that I accept that a god exists but I am choosing to not believe in the god. I don’t think any gods exist, so I’m just nonreligious.)

You won’t die if you fake some religious stuff at the wedding. The only thing that will get hurt is your pride - we Yanks have a lovely word/term here across the pond; not sure if you have it in the UK too, but it’s this: butthurt. The only thing you’ll be is butthurt. Being butthurt is not a lasting condition.

Does it absolutely suck to have to swallow this kind of religious crap and fake it? You bet. I hate doing it on the rare occasions where I have to do it. I’m not saying you won’t suffer emotionally, because you will. But this wedding isn’t about you and your atheism and your loathing of organized religion. This wedding is about the couple getting married. This wedding is about your close family member and how much you love them and want to be there for them on their special day.

It’s not your day or your soapbox. This is the equivalent of wearing a hideous bridesmaid dress/groomsman suit or a “wedding color theme” that looks awful on you: you just suck it up. You’ll survive doing it for a few hours. Your atheism will not be shattered and broken or invalidated if you have to fake your way through some prayers. You’ll still be an atheist afterwards. You’ll still be you. Your integrity will not be compromised.

Or… just don’t go to the wedding at all, if your atheism means more to you than your relationship with the close family member getting married.

I’m an atheist. I attend weddings to provide good wishes to the couple and share in their celebrations. I attend funerals to show my respect for the deceased and support for their loved ones. I don’t pray and only sing if it’s a song I know. I do stand / sit / head bow at appropriate times. If asked I share a memory of the deceased and why I will always remember them / offer my congratulations and good wishes to the couple getting married

I've not been to a church wedding since I was a child but at my dad's funeral I just stood quietly and didn't join in any prayers or singing (he wasn't religious but my mother insisted on a catholic service)

I second this approach. Just say "I wish you a long and happy life together". If you actually want to attend.

thrre must be hundreds of atheists attending religious weddings/ Christenings etc
you could do a generic prayer , or a poem from an agnostic pov? Make something up ?

Personally, as an atheist, I wouldn't even set foot inside a church, so I wouldn't need to worry about fake singing of hymns and faking prayers.
I've been invited to similar weddings and said that I would wait outside in the church grounds to see the happy couple come out for confetti and photos.
If people can't accept your rejection of religion and 'expect' you to sing/pray, I would suggest that you do what I do.
At the end of the day, the bride and groom probably won't even realise that you're not in the congregation, but you'll be able to join in with pictures outside, so they'll know you were there when they look at the photos in the months/years to come.

Reverse the positions, imagine you were asking him to disavow his beliefs, and see if you still feel you're being unfair.

Absence or rejection of belief is indeed a protected characteristic in law equal to religious belief.

Send a note or have a friendly word explaining that you will be honoured and delighted to attend his wedding as a supportive observer but you will not be offering individual prayers (personally I think you should join in the hymn singing - why should that intrude on you any more than an enthusiastic karaoke of YMCA?). Or, can you think of any suitable non-religious but appropriate snippet you can offer instead perhaps?

I think her brother would notice if she wasn't there. Were you as close to the couple as that?

Just no. I don’t object to joining in hymns etc. to be polite, but no way would I say aloud an individual prayer I thought was nonsense.

Does your relation know you are an atheist? Tell him you wish him well and will be happy to either keep quiet or to offer your good wishes and hopes for his and his bride's future, but you’re sure he would agree that it would be hypocritical of you to say words you didn’t believe.

If he chooses to uninvite you as a consequence that’s his choice (but imo wouldn't be very Christian). It’s impossible to try to force people to believe something they just don’t believe.

Instead of a prayer, can you pick a (short) meaningful poem that wishes them well instead? There are plenty of lovely wedding poems/ bits of narrative out there that will wish them well without it being a prayer. Maybe Alain de Botton has something??

No, she can't, because it isn't her wedding.
She's already had this conversation an reported back on this thread.

Why do Christians think that everyone British has Christianity in them?

"Christians" don't. Some individuals might, but that doesn't translate to millions of other people.

Surely there's more to true faith than going along with what's happening.

Quite

When I was in a choir at school, we were told to mime the word “Strawberry” if we couldn’t remember the words. Maybe do the same in this case so it looks like you are joining in?

YANBU. I’m a practising Christian but am very uncomfortable praying aloud so I don’t, ever. Go and sing if you feel you can, but absolutely don’t do anything else!

YANBU. I’m a practising Christian but am very uncomfortable praying aloud so I don’t, ever. Go and sing if you feel you can, but absolutely don’t do anything else!
Edited to add don’t know why this was posted twice 😂

Going to come across as a bit weird when she is standing out the front reading this prayer