Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

[Tootoomooch]

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

YABU and being churlish. Just stand up when other people do and keep your mouth closed if you don’t want to sing/pray etc.

But do not make this about you and your atheism. It’s not your day. If you feel that strongly about it don’t attend. But don’t act like a dick when you’re there.

Be prepared if you misbehave for your relative to drop you after the wedding.

I would interpret these requests in my own way. Do you know the hymns they're having? If you don't know them, you can't sing them. Just stand up along with everyone else and sit down again at the end. Who's going to notice?

The public prayers I would interpret as a brief speech of well wishes and hopes for the future.

"We hope that Sally and Peter will live a long and happy life together supported by the love of their friends, family and their God*" pause for religious folks to say 'amen'

*their god, not yours

@Tootoomooch If it’s unreasonably intrusive, yet you won’t speak to the couple and are attending whatever, there’s no solution is there! Just say whatever is required. You are not going to change it and clearly the couple think it’s ok to ask everyone. If they mean a lot to you, it’s a shame you cannot speak to each other! Family members do speak by the way, without fighting.

And think about it this way - where would we be if religious people only invited fellow religious people to their weddings on the grounds only members of their own group should participate in a religious service? It's not exactly a better outcome.

I love a good sing song, and happy to join in with hymns, despite life-long atheism.

The prayer bit, I'd just say something non religious.

It’s probably my years of singing in various choirs but I wouldn’t have an issue with singing hymns (or anything else) provided I actually knew them. I don’t really class that as following religious practice IYSWIM.

I wouldn’t be joining in or offering religious prayers. I would stand / sit (depending on circumstances) quietly during that bit, and I think the idea of offering a non-religious reading is a good one

I just go along with things like that happily. After all they mean nothing to me but they are making someone else happy so not a problem. It's just like acting really.

It's such an odd and visceral reaction to have to a very close family member. Not to explain how they feel and find a solution - first reaction was to tell him to fuck off. So unnecessarily nasty.

I wouldn’t participate, but - if you are able - speaking in tongues and having your head spin round could conceivably steal the day…

I'm a Christian and I'd feeling uncomfortable doing this. I hate public speaking and forced, trite messages. Ugh. I'd politely decline when asked. 'I'd rather not thanks, wish you all the best'

This person is a close family member and the relationship is important to me.

This is the crux of it OP. Your atheism is not less valid than his theism but it is his wedding day and (from what you have said) you want to support your family member and share in their joy. You don't need to make a big deal over the fact that you don't believe in God, you don't need to offer prayers, you just need to be there for them and give them your love and best wishes.

I'm not sure why you would feel uncomfortable with your children watching you participate in a religious ceremony. If they know that you don't believe in God, they will understand that you are there in order to honor your relative. It's a good lesson for kids to understand that we don't all have to believe in the same things in order to be tolerant and respectful of each other.

I'm a militant atheist. I would personally sing, but I wouldn't pray. I'd bow my head whilst other people prayed because I'm not a nob, but there's no way I'd participate. It doesn't need to be a drama. Just sit quietly and let them crack on. If they specifically want a prayer from you say 'no sorry it goes against my beliefs, but I'm wishing you lots of happiness and health'. If you don't want to sing, just mime. People do that anyway as not everyone likes singing! I think for me things like individual prayer or communion feel very personal and 'too' religious, whereas I don't have an issue participating in other people's cultures to be honest. It's just respectful.

I obviously think religion is nonsense, but it's still good for children to be aware of different beliefs and to practice tolerance and acceptance.

If they know you are a committed atheist why on earth would they ask you to do this?! Are they trying to make a point?

I think your offer to say something non religious but equally spiritual is entirely reasonable.

I don’t think there is any sentiment in a prayer that comes from someone who firmly doesn’t believe, so you saying a prayer that you don’t believe in won’t have the intended effect anyway.

Im not religious either but fgs suck it up. It’s not about you. Stop being such a ridiculous drama queen.

I have no intention of actively raising it with the happy couple or refusing to go. Sorry for those spoiling for a fight!

You call it a fight, I call it communication. Just a quick, 'if it's OK I'm doing a thought not a prayer. just wanted you to know'.

I do feel uncomfortable and and a bit annoyed having my views so obviously disregarded.

I don’t see why when you’re doing exactly the same to them.

the c of e vicar read Khalil Gibran at my sib's wedding back in the early 70's.

Attend the wedding, and then casually mention that you'll be holding a Satanic mass for your next birthday and that you fully expect the whole family to participate.

I wouldn't (and have refused to in the past) join in prayer etc. It's ridiculous to expect you to. If there is a good (and I'm pretty sure there isn't) it will know that you're faking it anyway. You're atheism is at least as valid as their religion. Stick to your guns.

I’m an atheist, married to a Catholic. DH attends church every week, I very occasionally attend church for family reasons (Christmas, Easter, etc). I sing the hymns, don’t take communion, and don’t do all the praying. Absolutely never had an issue.

I was also married in the Catholic church and so did the traditional vows, and DD was baptised. I’m comfortable with all that and just sucked it up; it doesn’t affect me being an atheist .

What's the point of anyone pretending to pray?

I’m an atheist and would find this uncomfortable. Best thing to do would be to mumble along to the hymns like most people do, and find something as short and beige as possible for the prayer along the lines of just wishing them well.

Don’t make a big deal of it, and hopefully you’ll pass under the radar. They’ll be distracted enough on the day itself.

It's strange that so many atheists think that people of a religion 'believe' in something. People usually have faith in their religion, which is different from belief.

@UninterestedBeing12I think it’s the conviction of being “right” and no willingness to find a compromise. Most people who are close to each other can and do.