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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

418 replies

Tootoomooch · 07/08/2025 13:41

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

OP posts:
SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 15:05

There's zero difference between singing along to Happy Birthday and singing along to a wedding hymn

I think the OP just wants her objections to be noticed and noticeable and commented on. It's weird to expect that level of attention at someone else's wedding. And is angry that the couple gave them the same order of service that they've given everyone else.

Most non believers aim to fly under the radar at the ceremony part, and just mumble along, content in their own non belief.

This is such a non issue. People have been going to each others weddings with differing beliefs to the couple, forever.

You're going to share and withess them expressing their union within their belief system, not to express your own.

Nobody ever in the history of ever considered another person converted by participating in someone else's wedding.

It's the same as a religious person demanding special god prayers and refusing to recite lay poems at a humanist ceremony.

FluffyWabbit · 07/08/2025 15:07

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 15:05

There's zero difference between singing along to Happy Birthday and singing along to a wedding hymn

I think the OP just wants her objections to be noticed and noticeable and commented on. It's weird to expect that level of attention at someone else's wedding. And is angry that the couple gave them the same order of service that they've given everyone else.

Most non believers aim to fly under the radar at the ceremony part, and just mumble along, content in their own non belief.

This is such a non issue. People have been going to each others weddings with differing beliefs to the couple, forever.

You're going to share and withess them expressing their union within their belief system, not to express your own.

Nobody ever in the history of ever considered another person converted by participating in someone else's wedding.

It's the same as a religious person demanding special god prayers and refusing to recite lay poems at a humanist ceremony.

I had the same thoughts. Is this a way of publicly trying to shame Christians and their beliefs under the guise of 'uncomfortable atheist voluntarily attending 'devout Christian' wedding'?

It's kinda weird tbh.

Velmy · 07/08/2025 15:07

Just attend and swerve the religious stuff. I usually just stand silent when there's prayers/hymns happening...unless it's one of those old-school assembly Jesus bangers.

If you're worried about it, speak to him beforehand.

Catwalking · 07/08/2025 15:10

My Nephew did similar at his child’s christening. All attendees had to write a prayer on special ‘card’, already ‘named’! We weren’t warned beforehand either🙄.
I simply wrote that; I hoped child would, for the sake of the planet, attempt to keep its carbon footprint as small as possible.
In later discussions every1 else could only think of distinctly religious stuff as we were in the church at the time… They were lucky I was there at all 🤣.

SerendipityJane · 07/08/2025 15:11

FluffyWabbit · 07/08/2025 15:07

I had the same thoughts. Is this a way of publicly trying to shame Christians and their beliefs under the guise of 'uncomfortable atheist voluntarily attending 'devout Christian' wedding'?

It's kinda weird tbh.

Show quote history

It's not weird if deep down you suspect the Christians are right ...

Londonmummy66 · 07/08/2025 15:14

old-school assembly Jesus bangers.

😂

Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2025 15:14

I have no problem attending religious rites for adults, but I don’t participate.

I’ve run into this before when people have tried to give me roles at family funerals. It is an honor to assist the priest with various tasks and given to close family members of the deceased, but the role is not appropriate for me.

you could tell the person you will make a statement equivalent to a toast if they want you to speak, but that it won’t be religious.

UsernameMcUsername · 07/08/2025 15:14

These threads always amuse me as I find secular weddings and funerals invariably shallow and naff (I'm a Christian), but always suck it up politely. If I can smile my way through Winnie the Poo readings & You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings you can suck up a bit of God-bothering 😬

TheTwinklyLemur · 07/08/2025 15:14

They are close relatives and want you to go to the wedding, just go. However, asking you to pray etc when you don't believe is not right. Can you ask them if you can be excluded from that bit? Or just don't participate. For context, I have an uncle who calls himself an atheist, but his wife is a Christian. He goes to church with her and says that he thinks rather than prays.

UsernameMcUsername · 07/08/2025 15:17

Londonmummy66 · 07/08/2025 15:14

old-school assembly Jesus bangers.

😂

Problem with them from a Christian POV is a) they're almost always mindless shite b) no actual church sings them any more, because a).

thepariscrimefiles · 07/08/2025 15:17

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 15:05

There's zero difference between singing along to Happy Birthday and singing along to a wedding hymn

I think the OP just wants her objections to be noticed and noticeable and commented on. It's weird to expect that level of attention at someone else's wedding. And is angry that the couple gave them the same order of service that they've given everyone else.

Most non believers aim to fly under the radar at the ceremony part, and just mumble along, content in their own non belief.

This is such a non issue. People have been going to each others weddings with differing beliefs to the couple, forever.

You're going to share and withess them expressing their union within their belief system, not to express your own.

Nobody ever in the history of ever considered another person converted by participating in someone else's wedding.

It's the same as a religious person demanding special god prayers and refusing to recite lay poems at a humanist ceremony.

OP has been asked to read a pre-scripted prayer which is more than just mumbling along to the singing of a hymn. I wouldn't expect an atheist to do that.

Spindrifts · 07/08/2025 15:17

Religion and belief/non belief/spirituality runs to centre of our core. They cannot command you to participate. You can attend, stand respectfully there, stand up and sit down when everyone else does and remain silent. It shows respect but would, for me, also sit comfortably with my agnostic belief. Believe it or not, despite our very modern world, churches and churchy people do still raise hackles. I would not even mention not taking part. Just don't do it. They will be so busy doing their bit, they won't even notice. Let the others do the singings and prayers etc.

Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2025 15:18

@SkylarFalls
there is a difference to hymns and happy birthday and the only reason people don’t see that is because they view Christianity as the default.

its easy for an atheist to fly under the radar by simply staying silent in these circumstances. We don’t have to sing or bow or heads. We just sit and watch the proceedings.

LlynTegid · 07/08/2025 15:18

I am with you on this one even though I am religious. If it is known to many of those who come to the wedding that you are an atheist, it will look fake and is not appropriate.

I think you should attend though, just not participate in the way requested.

CompleteLackOfDisrespect · 07/08/2025 15:18

grumpygrape · 07/08/2025 13:57

But Groomzilla has 'requested' people participate in singing and praying.

Show quote history

Requests can be declined. Just as prayers don't always get answered.

I wouldn't be singing because I can't hold a tune and nobody would want to hear me try. If asked to pray out loud, I would go with something like 'may your God grant you a long and happy life together' (which sidesteps the issue of whether there actually is a God).

Original poster
Tootoomooch · 07/08/2025 15:18

Just to be clear (and I thought I had been but apparently not clear enough for everyone): I have been asked to read a specific prayer during the service. As I have previously said, my usual practice is to sit at the back quietly but I’m not sure how I can do that and simultaneously read the prayer at the front of the church?

As I understand it, all family members have a prayer they are being asked to read, so not the full congregation. That would be bonkers. Given the direct request, I need to come up with an answer and I was wondering if I was unreasonable to decline.

My private feelings about religion are relevant to my discomfort but, as I’m a mostly-functional adult, I’m able to differentiate the things I say in the privacy of my own head and/or anonymity of MN from the things I say out loud.

I shall decline the prayer and offer either an alternative reading or - my much preferred option - to sit quietly with the rest of the attendees. Thank you all for your thoughts: they’ve helped my own crystallise.

OP posts:
Spindrifts · 07/08/2025 15:20

Just read that you have been asked to do a prayer. Just say that you don't like speaking to audiences and don't feel comfortable. Ask them to seek out someone else. Do it politely and gently and don't take no for an answer.

PinkTonic · 07/08/2025 15:22

This person is a close family member and the relationship is important to me

So presumably you genuinely wish them well and wouldn’t wish to cause any discomfort on their wedding day. Pick some beautiful words which express your love and hope for their future. It isn’t difficult, people do it at non religious wedding ceremonies all the time.

Original poster
Tootoomooch · 07/08/2025 15:22

Spindrifts · 07/08/2025 15:20

Just read that you have been asked to do a prayer. Just say that you don't like speaking to audiences and don't feel comfortable. Ask them to seek out someone else. Do it politely and gently and don't take no for an answer.

I’m an actor by trade, so that wouldn’t work at all 🤣

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 07/08/2025 15:23

Rather than a prayer could you just wish them the best for the future, etc, etc (with an amen muttered at the end if you really have to).

Oh reading a prayer is easy, particularly if you are an actor, just treat it like any other script, If you had to do it in a role I'm sure you would give it your all! And it is a role for a day.

RosaMundi27 · 07/08/2025 15:27

His religious belief trumps your non-belief on this occasion because it's his wedding, not yours. If you don't believe any of it, it's just words and songs - isn't it?

Worralorra · 07/08/2025 15:27

Just attend, sing the songs, and make the “prayers” a simple reading about how lovely the couple are, and how you hope that they enjoy their marriage and life together going forward.
Prayers don’t have to start with a reference to their religion’s Omnipotent Being, yours can just be from the bottom of your heart and therefore without any whiff of hypocrisy

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 15:29

UsernameMcUsername · 07/08/2025 15:14

These threads always amuse me as I find secular weddings and funerals invariably shallow and naff (I'm a Christian), but always suck it up politely. If I can smile my way through Winnie the Poo readings & You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings you can suck up a bit of God-bothering 😬

Yep

If the OP would sing along to one of those pop songs that's anything but romantic if you actually listen to the lyrics, at a non Christian wedding, why not bash out a hymn? It's just a song

A well wish is just a prayer by another name. Bet the OP has "prayed" LOADS. Never blown out a birthday candle? Sent someone a card with a four leaf clover on it for a big exam etc?

The OP did make a comment above about wanting THEIR beliefs recognised so I think there's a whole attention grab thing going on. Someone else's wedding is not the time for that.

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 15:30

Maybe they don't actually wish the couple well, if they can't imagine openly stating that they do?

Laundryblue · 07/08/2025 15:31

As an active Christian I think this is very strange thing for a true Christian to ask. They SHOULD know that accepting or rejecting Jesus is a personal choice. Making non Christians sing hymns and especially pray is pointless.
Suggest you just "goldfish" both.