Page 17 | Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

Denimrules · 08/08/2025 23:31

Attend and do whatever you feel you can. Be polite and avoid looking critical. It's their day whatever your feelings are

TheStateofRoads · 09/08/2025 00:25

ItaughtItawatweetybird · 07/08/2025 13:53

Pick a nice quote or something about marriage that isn’t a prayer and doesn’t mention god or religion and then just recite it when it’s your turn to offer a ´prayer’.

A couple of lines from Gavin and Stacey will do.

LAMPS1 · 09/08/2025 05:23

I think it’s you rather than posters on here who is spoiling for a fight with your wanting to tell your close family member to f* off comment.

If you are close to the groom he will surely know that you are an atheist and be understanding. And yet he has given you a pre-scripted prayer that you are very uncomfortable to read out loud in front of the entire congregation as requested/instructed. YANBU for feeling uncomfortable about it.

Surely you simply tell him, sorry but I think you’ve handed this to me by mistake as you know my feelings about religion. Then ask him if he minds you reading out loud your own choice of non-religious blessing or if he minds if you don’t read out loud at all.
No need to draw attention or make a fuss about it. Just talk to him about it.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/08/2025 06:27

LAMPS1 · 09/08/2025 05:23

I think it’s you rather than posters on here who is spoiling for a fight with your wanting to tell your close family member to f* off comment.

If you are close to the groom he will surely know that you are an atheist and be understanding. And yet he has given you a pre-scripted prayer that you are very uncomfortable to read out loud in front of the entire congregation as requested/instructed. YANBU for feeling uncomfortable about it.

Surely you simply tell him, sorry but I think you’ve handed this to me by mistake as you know my feelings about religion. Then ask him if he minds you reading out loud your own choice of non-religious blessing or if he minds if you don’t read out loud at all.
No need to draw attention or make a fuss about it. Just talk to him about it.

She has spoken to him about it and he doesn't want any non-religious readings so she isn't doing one.

Markovenchip · 09/08/2025 09:00

You're letting your intense dislike of religion live rent-free in your head, I don't think there's any need to be 'militant' about anything in life, it just churns you up inside, and no one else, my choice would be just say we're unable to attend the Church service, but we'll attend the reception, religious issue solved.

Maddy70 · 09/08/2025 09:03

I'm an atheist too but I would go along with it because it's their wedding not mine.
A prayer/ reading is just a poem to read, rephrase it in your mind what you are doing and quietly judge the nonsense in your head

Maddy70 · 09/08/2025 09:06

Harmonypus · 08/08/2025 20:47

Personally, as an atheist, I wouldn't even set foot inside a church, so I wouldn't need to worry about fake singing of hymns and faking prayers.
I've been invited to similar weddings and said that I would wait outside in the church grounds to see the happy couple come out for confetti and photos.
If people can't accept your rejection of religion and 'expect' you to sing/pray, I would suggest that you do what I do.
At the end of the day, the bride and groom probably won't even realise that you're not in the congregation, but you'll be able to join in with pictures outside, so they'll know you were there when they look at the photos in the months/years to come.

I'm an atheist and that's a very strong view. I love visiting historical churches, the history and art is quite something. I don't believe in any god it's just a building

LoremIpsumCici · 09/08/2025 09:08

Well first

no one will know if you are not singing along but moving your lips or humming. so that isn’t an issue to raise

secondly
these prayers are really wishes for a happy marriage, so say your wishes with no reference to God or religion. As it is out loud during the service instead of the usual toasts at reception, keep it short and sweet. If the congregarion goes ‘amen’ when you finish so what? “Amen” as a word just means “Aye” - in church Latin so it’s not some special God related word and you don’t have to say Amen to your own wish or at all.

I have been to many Christian, Muslim, Hindu, etc services as a Jew and I think being an atheist at a religious service is not much different.

Editing to add because I missed on first read that you were asked to read a specific prayer that is part of the service and you have declined.. Well done! Most people who are devoutly religious would not ask an atheist or someone of another religion to read an actual formal prayer for their religion because that is actually offensive to most religions God/Goddess…the basic religious requirement in most religions I know a bit about is that only believers should lead a congregation in prayer…so him asking you was kind of unorthodox and irreligious of him. Your declining was the right thing to do, not just for you but for him too as a believer in Christ.

QuirkyOlive · 09/08/2025 09:14

Presumably the couple know that you’re atheists and won’t believe what you’re saying? I don’t see why it matters, you don’t believe in God so the words are meaningless, what’s the harm in it? Unless you’re being asked to pretend that you are Christians too or you think they’re using this to try to convert you.

You say that you wouldn’t dream of asking them not to pray but surely that’s what would be expected at an atheist wedding, if Christians were to get up and start praying for you at your event, that’d be very offensive, they’d be expected to sit quietly and accept your belief whether or not they share it. Joining in the singing doesn’t take anything away from you. A solo reading of a prayer seems a bit much but I guess you could see it like a gift to them, it means nothing to you but it’s not for you.

MJ1980 · 09/08/2025 09:21

just go to the reception, cut out all that ceremony

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/08/2025 11:40

QuirkyOlive · 09/08/2025 09:14

Presumably the couple know that you’re atheists and won’t believe what you’re saying? I don’t see why it matters, you don’t believe in God so the words are meaningless, what’s the harm in it? Unless you’re being asked to pretend that you are Christians too or you think they’re using this to try to convert you.

You say that you wouldn’t dream of asking them not to pray but surely that’s what would be expected at an atheist wedding, if Christians were to get up and start praying for you at your event, that’d be very offensive, they’d be expected to sit quietly and accept your belief whether or not they share it. Joining in the singing doesn’t take anything away from you. A solo reading of a prayer seems a bit much but I guess you could see it like a gift to them, it means nothing to you but it’s not for you.

Aside from the fact the OP's quandary has been resolved;

I don’t see why it matters, you don’t believe in God so the words are meaningless, what’s the harm in it?

I touched upon this before, but for me, it's yet one more instance in a litany of religion just expecting me to meekly oblige it, compelled participation, and a refusal to respect my perfectly valid views. It got away with this when I was a child and adolescent, and I'm not willing to pander to it one iota as an adult.

if Christians were to get up and start praying for you at your event, that’d be very offensive

Nope, even as a atheist this wouldn't bother me at all. They are Christians, free to do as they choose, it makes no odds to me provided they are not also expecting me to join in. If they want to get up and start praying, provided that's in their own time and is not interrupting anything I have planned or scheduled, I genuinely couldn't care less. It's in no way offensive, and provided it isn't intrusive, fire away, pray all you like, it's inconsequential, to me it has no bearing on anything at all, so do it all you want it doesn't mean anything to me anyway.

T1Dmama · 09/08/2025 13:36

I would politely thank him for asking us to do a prayer for the couple but politely decline.
I wouldn’t raise the religion aspect but instead say we will have our hands full with our children and would like to just be guests and not involved in the ceremony…
If he is insisting then find a non religious reading and tell him that if you have to do a reading you’ve chosen this one! If it’s not allowed then again decline and tell
him that you’re not happy reading out something you do not believe in …

At weddings I stand up and don’t sing along and don’t join prayers or say amen… on jury duty you get the option of reading out a promise rather than swearing on the bible

lilkitten · 09/08/2025 15:27

I was a councillor and we would have prayers before meetings. I stood silently, as many of us did, those of other religions and none. I'd feel hypocritical joining in.

QuirkyOlive · 09/08/2025 15:38

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/08/2025 11:40

Aside from the fact the OP's quandary has been resolved;

I don’t see why it matters, you don’t believe in God so the words are meaningless, what’s the harm in it?

I touched upon this before, but for me, it's yet one more instance in a litany of religion just expecting me to meekly oblige it, compelled participation, and a refusal to respect my perfectly valid views. It got away with this when I was a child and adolescent, and I'm not willing to pander to it one iota as an adult.

if Christians were to get up and start praying for you at your event, that’d be very offensive

Nope, even as a atheist this wouldn't bother me at all. They are Christians, free to do as they choose, it makes no odds to me provided they are not also expecting me to join in. If they want to get up and start praying, provided that's in their own time and is not interrupting anything I have planned or scheduled, I genuinely couldn't care less. It's in no way offensive, and provided it isn't intrusive, fire away, pray all you like, it's inconsequential, to me it has no bearing on anything at all, so do it all you want it doesn't mean anything to me anyway.

Show quote history

As an atheist, you’d let Christian guests stand up and pray for you at your own wedding? Really? I know I wouldn’t allow time for that in my ceremony but each to their own

Snakebite61 · 09/08/2025 15:39

Tootoomooch · 07/08/2025 13:41

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

I'm an atheist and it wouldn't bother me at all. Joining in with their delusion would be a fun day for me.

cantbebothered101 · 09/08/2025 16:04

Perfectly fine to be asked to attend their wedding but he's is a complete plonker to be offended by you not wanting to read something you don’t believe in, just because he does! Completely overbearing behaviour!

Blades2 · 09/08/2025 16:07

Aha yeah no. Absolutely not. Even if I did believe, waffling some prayers infront of a crowd is not going to happen from me,

AmIEnough · 13/08/2025 08:19

This would absolutely make my blood boil! You are absolutely right and certainly not being unreasonable. As you say you would not inflict your atheism on someone else which is exactly what he is doing in the reverse so I would politely decline or just join in the hymns and decline to participate if pulled up to make these decorations in front of everyone else at the wedding.