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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To book holiday without friend

391 replies

TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 09:54

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 07/08/2025 09:57

Tell her where you're going and give her the option to decline. If she tries to suggest alternatives just say sorry you're set on this exact hotel.

By the way, what kind of "hobby job" pays £50k?

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 07/08/2025 09:57

If you and two friends are so much richer than than 4th you can club together to make up the difference between what she can afford and this.

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 09:58

ThejoyofNC · 07/08/2025 09:57

Tell her where you're going and give her the option to decline. If she tries to suggest alternatives just say sorry you're set on this exact hotel.

By the way, what kind of "hobby job" pays £50k?

Sorry it’s quite outing so I can’t say

OP posts:
EmeraldJeanie · 07/08/2025 09:59

Try and think of a better term than hobby job!
It is a huge risk to not tell her and go without her. I think option 1 but if good enough friend quietly offer to pay part of hers if she objects at cost? Or, are there different room arrangements at different costs?

Painrelief · 07/08/2025 09:59

Maybe you should do the 4th friend a favour and let her find nicer friends …

jeez you sound stuck up !!! ONLY 45/50k !!!

I bet the hotel last year was lovely .. it’s just you’re a snob maybe ?

TeenLifeMum · 07/08/2025 09:59

A “hobby” job that pays higher than average? Yeah leave her out so she can find less patronising friends.

FanofLeaves · 07/08/2025 10:00

‘Only’ 40-50k wtf 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

ColdClimates · 07/08/2025 10:01

You are at liberty to go on holiday absolutely anywhere you like.

You don't sound like a particularly nice person, or much of a friend, though.

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2025 10:01

It depends on whether the friendship is more important to you than the expensive hotel. It sounds like it isn’t.

NevergonnagiveHughup · 07/08/2025 10:02

I think you are BU and are not being true friends.

look harder and you could probably find a compromise accommodation (house with pool for eg), that’s less than a posh hotel but not outrageously so.

thats what real friends would actually do.

CanOfMangoTango · 07/08/2025 10:02

Whatever you do you need to tell her. Going on a secret holiday and keeping it off social media are the actions of mean girls

"Hobby job" ffs

AllKindsOfThingsAreInteresting · 07/08/2025 10:03

Make your choice assuming she will find out. Then decide if you are comfortable with the choice you have made.

Lemonadeat8 · 07/08/2025 10:03

They ONLY earn £50k? Give yourself a shake for god sake.

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:04

Painrelief · 07/08/2025 09:59

Maybe you should do the 4th friend a favour and let her find nicer friends …

jeez you sound stuck up !!! ONLY 45/50k !!!

I bet the hotel last year was lovely .. it’s just you’re a snob maybe ?

Not at all, the hotel reviews from around the time we went back up our experience too.

Beige food, loud building work on site, no concierge service to name a few issues.

OP posts:
Gemmawemma9 · 07/08/2025 10:05

I can’t imagine leaving a friend out because I wanted to go to a slightly more luxurious hotel than she could afford.
If you wanted to go to the Maldives and she could only afford a caravan in Scarborough, that’s different.
if you’re all as loaded as you say, can’t you supplement the difference?

Im afraid there’s no way of doing this without it being really hurtful and exclusionary.
Also don’t lie, she will find out in the end.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 07/08/2025 10:05

I think it's fine to go away separately, just let her know your plans and give her the option to go if she wants. Maybe go somewhere within her budget too?

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:05

EmeraldJeanie · 07/08/2025 09:59

Try and think of a better term than hobby job!
It is a huge risk to not tell her and go without her. I think option 1 but if good enough friend quietly offer to pay part of hers if she objects at cost? Or, are there different room arrangements at different costs?

I don’t think covering some of the costs will work - it will set a precedent for future trips, and it feels a bit like we are being penalised for having successful careers.

OP posts:
IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 07/08/2025 10:06

Firstly, you sound like a right fucking snob.

Secondly, booking it and secretly going away behind her back is not the work of friends, it's mean girl, bitchy behaviour. Have some respect for your friend (with her measly hobby job 🙄) and talk to her or, shock, find a compromise that works for everyone.

Gemmawemma9 · 07/08/2025 10:06

AllKindsOfThingsAreInteresting · 07/08/2025 10:03

Make your choice assuming she will find out. Then decide if you are comfortable with the choice you have made.

this is excellent advice

Pigsrock · 07/08/2025 10:06

I can’t see past the ‘hobby job’ either. I earn roughly what she does and wouldn’t like to be seen as the poor relation. But to actually not tell her would be a shit thing to do.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/08/2025 10:06

Id like a hobby job that only pays 45/50k.

This post has to be a pisstake

rainbowstardrops · 07/08/2025 10:07

Please tell me this isn’t real!
Only has a hobby job earning 50k 🤣
She needs nicer friends that’s for sure!

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:07

Alwayswonderedwhy · 07/08/2025 10:05

I think it's fine to go away separately, just let her know your plans and give her the option to go if she wants. Maybe go somewhere within her budget too?

Holiday allowance from work means only one trip is possible - it has been a very busy summer for hens and weddings! I’ve had my main abroad holidays already and this trip is more of an end of year ‘breather’ before the fun and games of Christmas.

OP posts:
Gemmawemma9 · 07/08/2025 10:08

Penalised for having successful careers
Wow
i just cant 😂

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 10:08

I think you can go on whatever holiday you choose, but you're basically ending the friendship, if you do it without discussing it with her and definitely if you do it behind her back.

If my friends talked to me about a holiday they really wanted to go on but was expensive, I'd say I'm sorry I won't be able to come, but have a great time.

If I found out they'd booked a secret holiday without me, I'd be devastated.

I think you can go on the expensive holiday, but it will definitely change the dynamic if the friendship group. Can you do a cheaper holiday with her too?

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