To book holiday without friend

[TarzanGirl]

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

I think option a is fine. It’s perfectly acceptable to want to spend your money staying in a hotel you want, give her the option and if she asks for a different hotel just decline and say you’ll organise something with her another time but you’re set on this one. Awkward if you’ve been going away as a 4 for years but even then people’s circumstances change and I don’t agree it’s being a bad friend. I have close friends that earn less than me (or who just prefer different styles of travel) and I wouldn’t holiday with them or change my plans to suit their budget, and similarly I have friends far richer than me who have invited me/our family to join crazy expensive (for me) holidays that I can’t afford, I just say no and I’m not offended whatsoever. There are also friends I holidayed with pre kids that still don’t have kids and still go on the types of holiday I used to but can no longer justify, I might join once every few years, they are not offended when I can’t, I’m not offended that they don’t pick a different holiday that would suit me better.

Also just coming back to express disgust at your point about ‘offering to cover costs feels like we are being penalised for having successful careers’.

So teachers, a lot of doctors, journalists, senior charity workers, junior criminal barristers, literary agents, tv producers…all of whom are in very, very competitive fields and would be earning around 50k - aren’t successful?!

You are pretty dim to equate very high income levels with success. Might be the case for some, but pretty much all the people I know who earn 1 percent levels (think 180k plus) work in finance, accounting or corporate law. They are pretty much all burnt out and miserable, with shitty marriages and zero social lives. It’s not really what success looks like to me!

This cannot be real surely? I don’t have time
to comment much more as I need to get back to my niche hobby job that only pays a measly £48K. I feel lucky to earn that, actually.

You could have just described it as a job? But I guess that wouldn't drive home the point that you're a high earner and she isn't.

As a fellow high earner, I hope to God someone smacks me in the face if I ever have a tenth of your attitude towards my 'poor' friends 🙄

Beat me to it

WHY did Mn take away the laughing emoji! This one is my level of sarcasm!

’Only’ 50k for a hobby job? I work well over full time hours, get paid for 4 days, and dream of 50K. All those ‘hobby’ nurses/ cleaners/ nursery workers must be thrilled to read that low-paid jobs are just pretend.

Anyway, as to your dilemma- you can tell your friend what you’ve settled on and say that she’s welcome to join you, and it’s then up to her whether she can afford it.

Fucking hell: I had a job that paid £50k at the height of/ end of my career, a sector hugely competitive to get into etc. (arts)

Try ‘vocational’ .

I would have told you to stuff yourselves had you described by job as a ‘hobby job’.

It is reasonable to holiday as you choose in expensive locations but your patronising, condescending attitude to someone earning £50k , a decent salary, is sickening.

I can’t imagine even considering just going and not telling her. What kind of friend does that?

Just pick where you want to go and if she can make her money stretch and come, fab, if not, she doesn’t come but at least she got that choice.

Last year my boyfriend and I were saving like crazy for a house and my friends knew I was on a tight budget for a while. A girls trip away was organised and of course I was included in the planning and given the option to go. I declined as it was out of budget and I felt sad to miss out but my god if I’d ever found out they just went without even inviting me it would’ve broken my heart.

Help her out, don't exclude her.

don't know if already been suggested but she could stay at a different hotel in same location , we have done that before on group trips. That might work if other things (restaurants, outings ) were affordable, but could be it is total costs not just hotel that are ££££

£45-£50 is a very decent wage, but it’s obviously is a lot less than you earn and you sound put out by the fact that your friend can’t afford to keep up with your spending habits.
You sound incredibly snobby and obviously put spending power at the top of your agenda. Your post makes you come across as spiteful and not very nice.
I would advise your friend to find new friends.

a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year

What the fuck is a hobby job?
Sorry, but that's awful and you sound like a snob.

There's no reason why you can't find a decent hotel which she can afford. The alternative didn't work out last time but there are plenty of decent hotels that us "hobby job" people can afford, you all just need to do more research to find one.

I think you just want to ditch her anyway because she's a "low" earner.

You didn’t need to “find a term” you could’ve just said “her job” or explained it by saying your friend earns less than the rest of you.

Frankly I am amazed that anyone thick enough not to be able to think of an alternative to ‘hobby’ gets paid a high earner salary.

Just goes to show.

Reminds me of a line from character Arthur Daly the old Minder series; “you can tell what God thinks if money, look at the people he gives it to!”

I go away every year with a friend and I earn more than her, however less than your friends hobby job, i always choose a hotel with her that I know is in her budget. I want to spend time with her not in luxury. I have another friend who way out earns me and she always picks a hotel or activity within my budget. Just imagine if your circumstances change and you are excluded for the reasons you have given.

£50k is a high salary! I want her hobby earning that much!

YABU not inviting friend

Lol at hobby job. I earn less than that as do most of my friends and we all work extremely hard.

oh I have a ‘hobby’ job in that bracket! I’m a nurse. I obviously made poor life choices. (I actually love my job and have amazing friends).

I wouldn’t be upset if my friends wanted to go away without me, I would be upset if it was a big secret that I wasn’t allowed to know about because I’m poor not considered an equal due to my wage.

Discuss it. Don’t compromise if you really don’t want to but don’t keep it a secret and not give her the option.

Absolutely not the point of the thread but I earn less in my 'big girl job' then your friend does in her 'hobby job'

We need to know what it is so we can all jump on the hobby and make £45-50k per year!!

Anyway...

YABU for not telling her
YANBU for wanting to go to where you want to go on holiday.

Rubbish. You judge her for her job otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it - it's certainly not relevant to your question.

If you actually like this friend, you could hire a luxury apartment and split the cost apporpriately for what she can afford. Stop thinking it's ok to discuss behind her back whether you're going to sneak off without telling her. It's cowardly and mean. Be open and honest.

Wow. Vile. I hope she finds this thread. I wish i could somehow let her know what nasty snobby vile disingenuous and selfish backstabbing type people she's friends with.

Heres my answer. Don't invite her. Don't tell her. Cos she will find out. Then she'll know the truth of how vile you all are and how you really view her.

I expect this is a windup but I have friends who earn less than me or are single, and I always tailor travel or meals to their budget. Friends are so hard to come by. I would much rather keep the friend and stay in a basic hotel.

God I wish I 'only' earned 45/50k, especially for a hobby! Do you know what average earnings are OP?