To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

I'd stop having her over. I'd meet only in a neutral place. Such as a park.

I'd ask her to replace the toy as you can't afford to. Maybe it's any material to her, but not to your child.

Nope.

I'm a single mum to two autistic children and several of my friends have autistic children and I very very rarely have play dates at my house because of how the other children behave / how my children get overwhelmed. We don't stay for long when invited to other people's houses either as I like to leave before mine get overwhelmed 🙈😅

It's shit for her but its not your guilt to carry and if you carry this on whilst feeling like this you'll end up feeling resentful.

We meet up in places like parks and places specifically designed for kids. We try to go when it's quieter and I try to leave when I notice signs mine are finding things too much or about to "behave badly"

Start meeting up in play area's ect. Lots of places do autism friendly sessions

Unfortunately, we live quite a distance apart. Today was a passing visit, but my friend has regularly come for overnight stays since before we even had kids. I would need to put a stop to this - I worry about how she would take this.

I have a friend with a very complex needs SEN child- GDD and autism. I, myself, have 2 children who are autistic. My friend’s son can be quite destructive and my own children found this very stressful when they visited. So we tried going out instead- however it would always end up quite chaotic. We were once asked to leave a softplay as my friend didn’t intervene when her son was destructive and upsetting other children. She has also, on three occasions, took him to public pools with our group of friends but hasn’t put a swim nappy on him (he is doubly incontinent and relies on nappies normally). So the pool has ended up being evacuated when he has defacated in it and everyone has had to get out. She always says that he is a SEN child and “doesn’t mean it”. And I agree, he doesn’t mean it but that doesn’t mean she needs to allow it to unfold and impact on others. A few of our friends no longer see her as a result but it’s tricky as I’ve known her my whole life.

Meet in central places and stop the overnight visits for now. As much as you are worried about upsetting your friend right now by avoiding upsetting your friend your are upsetting your DC…. So I think you need to put your big girl pants on and intervene to be the voice for your DC… meet in central places like parks for now

Stop inviting her over and meet her out of the house if she has to bring her dd.
Your children shouldn't have to put up with their stuff being destroyed and really your friend should be appropriately supervising her child. I'm saying this as the mother of an asd, adhd child

Meet in neutral places. Just tell her it isn’t working, she needs to face up to it. People with kids with SEN have to adapt and know the limits of what is manageable, that’s part of being a parent with a SEN child unfortunately (speaking from experience).

Park only if she can't control her

It is exceptionally rare I ever suggest risking a good friendship, as I see good friendships as incredibly special and beautiful things.

However, good friendships require effort and investment on both sides - not necessarily a straight 50/50, but it takes two to tango.

In no world is it acceptable for someone to come round and trash your house and break your children's things. For her to say that it's only "material" things is very, very wrong.

I'm worried that she can't see the problem people have with it.

Agree with PP. Your friend can intervene and doesn't have to allow her daughter to be so destructive, SEN or not. And of she can't, then that doesn't have to be on you. It's quite telling she thinks things are just material and that she's not doing anything even though other people have given her feedback

Thanks for the replies. I have wondered if my friend could be in denial about the level of needs her child has. And that’s why she can’t see this from an alternate perspective.

It’s hard because she is such a brilliant friend and she has been the person to help me through so many challenges, such as losing a loved one. I also don’t have all that many mum friends. I just wish things could be more simple. I know that she will be incredibly hurt if I change the goal posts, but I can’t see that I have any choice.

You have to be honest with her, explain it’s not just material things, some of it is emotional

explain how her child has upset yours, and that her child has destroyed something that is your child’s toy and you simply can’t afford to replace and that’s upset your child

explain that whilst you understand she has a difficult time sometimes with her child, you simply can’t allow her to continually upset your children, so moving forward you will need to agree to meet halfway between the two of you

its not on that her child destroys something and she doesn’t replace it

Op im another who'd suggest meeting half way. Because you can't allow your kids to be upset like that. Or you go to their house .

I know that she will be incredibly hurt if I change the goal posts, but I can’t see that I have any choice.

You could tell her that the situation with the breaking of "materials" does not work for you - maybe even say that in isolation you could make exceptions, but it's not something your children have to endure. Then ask her if she can help you find a solution so that it does "work", so that the visits can continue.

Then again, I could just be very idealistic. I'm afraid I'm a childless 40-something with what I expect is some sort of ADHD, which would explain my behaviour as a child, and added to which I have an older sister with a host of mental health issues and learning difficulties. I grew up in the 1980s with a mother who saw everything her children did as an extension of herself, so I can only imagine what would have happened if I'd broken things in someone's house in front of her. TBH I wouldn't be alive to type this. Times are certainly different now.

its not on that her child destroys something and she doesn’t replace it

I love all that you've said in this post. The only thing I will say is I don't think the the non-replacement of broken items is the half of the issue - it's the fact they got broken at all.

Don’t have her child in your house, go for outdoor or soft play only. It must be awful for your friend 😔especially knowing that her child may never get to have a regular life. But your DCs house is their safe place, they shouldn’t have to put up with their things being destroyed. SEN or not, the child’s mother needs to intervene and manage her behaviour appropriately

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

That's all you should be focusing on. However much you feel it matters to your friend to have someone around for her, you shouldn't be putting your friendship and concern for her above your children's feelings. They shouldn't have to worry what of theirs will be broken or damaged every time she and her DD visit. They shouldn't have to feel that your friend is more important to you than they are. And they will if you keep letting this happen. Time to stand up for them.

My child's close friend was like this. We simply never ever had him round. That wasn't because we didn't value the relationship. It was because we DID value the relationship, and I knew the relationship would suffer if he came round and wreaked havoc.

Outdoors was much better, or at his house.

The other good thing about meeting up at the park was that if anyone had had enough, they could get away. There's no polite way to eject a friend from your house when he's doing things which wind you or your child up but aren't 100% unacceptable, and you just feel you've had all you can take today.

Ten years later, when he was 15, we finally started having him round. He is absolutely fine to visit now. There have been no issues whatsoever. I don't even need to stay in the same room anymore. Maybe I could/should have started having him over a couple of years earlier, but I was too worried because he'd been so destructive as a child.

I wonder whether your friend, knowing that none of her possessions can be kept safe, has come to think of all material things as replaceable. It would be understandable for her to develop that attitude so she can preserve her own sanity. The parent of our young friend seemed to have developed that view, about their own family's stuff anyway. By contrast, you and I have the luxury of getting attached to our things and expecting them to remain intact, because we know that the people in our household won't trash them. I think it's a step too far for your friend to expect you to change your view.

Sounds like a nightmare for your kids, your friend should at least be offering to pay for things. It's a bit shut she says they are only material things when she isn't paying for them.

Reminds me of being a child, everytime my aunt pulled up outside me and my sibling used to run around hiding things from "the demolition squad" aka our cousins. They managed to break a tonka toy, the supposed indescribable 70's metal toys

You should worry more about your poor children.

Maybe this is off base but is there anything preventive you could do? I know she's not your child, and it's hassel but it dose sound like your friend is in denial as you say about her daughters needs.

Is it possible to put locks on your kids rooms? then theyd feel safe about what they come back too? Or put furniture in front of the doors?
Could you be upfront enough with your friend to let her know it dose matter to you but make a plan for next time and anticipate her daughters needs.
And give her a destructive distraction your okay with? Like find some bubble wrap to pop or get some thing really cheap to break - decoy books from free cycle?
Could you set up a sensory station with stuff she likes ( ie sand/water/bubbles/or dough to squish) and do it with her while you catch up?
Could you do messy play session somewhere set up for it ( they have them in the local church nr here)

Use this as an opportunity to teach your kids about empathy, xxx can’t help it because of xxx reason. I know it’s very upsetting and we shall think of ways to keep your things safer’ locks on the bedroom doors so she can’t get at precious things would help

That will only cement resentment towards both their mother’s friend, and their mother for lacking in empathy for them.

It may be shit for OP’s friend, but her priority is her children.

I think you're unreasonable to let the child into your house given what she does to your children's possessions and the way her behaviour makes them feel.

But could you meet up in a park or somewhere without your children (even if she brings hers)? Have her round when the children are elsewhere and their bedroom doors can be locked with all their stuff inside? Or you go and stay with her?

I think you need to tell her that the idea these things are "just material" is disingenuous and damaging her and her DC's relationships. If material things didn't matter to her she'd be fine replacing everything and going without herself. But she doesn't does she? Because she likes material things too. She's probably bruised and run down by the inability to have nice things at home because of her DC, so you need to be empathetic when talking about it, but that attitude is going to mean she and her DC will find it hard to have any social time with others. It's not reasonable to expect people to not care if her DC damages their stuff and she will drive everyone away.

Another vote here to meet outside at a park or at theirs. My friend has two kids with SEN, one more childlike but the other has ADHD and seems to come round breaking stuff or eating everything. Their mum doesn't say much, I think she has normalised it, and moves in circles where no one minds. However I avoid inviting them home just to keep the peace.