To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

I am not surprised your children are upset. How unfair of you to put this problem on them? Why can't you visit your friend at her house? How old are your children? Do you have someone who could look after them for the afternoon or go on a day when their dad is at home so you can go to hers? I would be furious if someone's child did that in my home.

This . Meet outside your home

Sorry but you need to put your kids first, not your friends feelings. They are having their belongings trashed and are very upset. Your friend cant keep thinking this is ok. Unless she pays for everything her child damages then it's totally unacceptable.

You’ve got to put your own DCs first. Your DC is upset, and they worry about her coming over. You can’t force your Dc to play with someone they don’t want to. You need to meet somewhere else, and allow your DCs to go off and play with others if they don’t want to play with your friends DC.

I’d also tell your friend she has to replace the toy her DC broke.

Your friend is an awful parent OP. All the SEN parents I know would be absolutely mortified if their child tore through their friends' house like this and destroyed so much.

You need to be honest and say they can't come over anymore. It's not the child's fault, it's the mother.

Reading these replies, I can see I have got this whole thing wrong. I have been feeling so sorry for my friend and feeling like we just need to find a way to make this work, and it has been to the detriment of my own children. I have previously discussed it with my children - they love my friend so I think they feel quite conflicted too. I wouldn’t say there is a friendship between our children, as such, because my friend’s child doesn’t interact with my children due to her needs. I have been so caught up feeling sorry for my friend’s situation, my own children’s feelings have been playing second fiddle! I can see now how unfair that is.

Just say something like "it's hard to get a proper catch up, and it seems like (child's name) isn't stimulated enough at my house and maybe finds it too overwhelming, so next time let's meet up somewhere halfway with more going on, for a big day out. It's less travel and more fair too. Here's some places I've found, have a look and see what you think? Are you free on x y z date?"
And list some good playgrounds, farm parks or soft plays that are more or less half way between you. You could make it a day out and have lunch after if the kids are getting on well or just bring a picnic if the weather's OK.
It gives you all some space too, if the kids are needing a break to regulate
If she pushes you on a reason then you can be more honest but usually if you breeze past and present a solution and potential dates for a catch up she should go along with it

Perhaps the destruction of a toy so expensive you can’t replace and the sentimental book can spark a conversation with her around how you prevent that in future. I think your only options are meeting in the middle, you staying at hers, having locks on their bedroom doors or meticulously putting away anything of value when she visits.

We haven’t had good friends round for a couple of years now and they’ve started to notice. I feel really bad but their son (no diagnosis but always been ‘challenging’) just causes so much upset with tantrums all day. He seems to not cope well outside of his home environment but they will come round and stay late regardless. I’ve not been brave enough to have the conversation as know it will end the friendship.

My child is the same and I’m not offended if people don’t want us to visit them. We have most visits in our house or in parks etc as there’s too much risk of damage/unsafe in other peoples homes. It’s actually beneficial for me as well as I don’t have to spend the whole time following around and worried about damage. Can you not visit her instead?

This. I wouldn't have them in the house. I would either meet somewhere else or go to her house? Why don't you go to her house at the moment?

Why isn't she replacing or fixing things? That's especially out of order and disrespectful

Visit her in her house instead? If you show her the things that she may find as material to her that are precious to your child? I bet she's very aware of what she does but just wants to get out of the house. Maybe in a park or her house next time?

It seems strange that your children don't come first?

I completely agree about meeting up outside of your house. My dc can be destructive (SEN). I would have tried my hardest to avoid damage and would have been mortified and replacing items if any damage occurred.

I agree with a PP about meeting at her house for all the reasons mentioned by the PP.

This is really hurtful. I am definitely not perfect as a parent. I have tried to be supportive of someone who has little other people in their life, despite it not being easy. My children understand about my friend’s child’s needs, and also have a close bond with my friend. I have come for advice when I have realised we have been unable to solve this situation by keeping our most precious belongings to one side.

My main priority is, of course, my children’s happiness. Second to that, you hear of parents pushed to breaking point after having no support and being totally isolated. My friend has gone above and beyond for me and is already feeling isolated from her other friends. I have done what I have done so far with good intentions, but have also been able to see that the current situation isn’t working. I think your comment is unnecessarily mean to someone who is trying to do what’s best.

Can you meet at her place. Her daughter might feel calmer and more regulated in a familiar environment.

Of course my children come first. They are and always will be my top priority. We have come up with various strategies to try to make this work and when it hasn’t worked, I have come here asking for suggestions.

The child needs to play downstairs where you can see them and you and friend need to drink your coffee and socialise while you watch her and your children if they will come and play with her. I would say that you have changed the house rules and that the children’s bedrooms are now their private places. Explain to your own children that if toys are downstairs they are to be shared but they can put their more precious things in their rooms. Explain to friend that this is how things are going to be managed going forward to avoid the children feeling upset at their books and toys being broken and make them feel loved and understood.
I had to do this in a very similar situation and it was actually a very positive change. Give your kids a hug and thank them for being so kind but explain you don’t think it’s fair to ask them to host in their rooms anymore.
A pop up tent in the corner of a room full of toys that are more suited to sharing and heavy hands could make the visitors feel very loved and catered for and give them somewhere private but not private to play in.

Suggest going to hers instead if they're far away
Or, as others have said, a neutral third space

I had the same issue. I loved having my friend over but her son was making it difficult as he was destructive and aggressive. In the end I had to prioritise my daughters feelings and only met them in the park or on a walk. To be honest our friendship did fizzle out after that. She did complain alot about never being invited to other people's houses, or not having play dates. But she was asking too much as he is severely autistic. He would think nothing of running away home or biting and punching someone to hey to where he wants to. I do feel sorry for her, but my children come first.

My friend has been telling me how she feels like no one is supportive or understanding of her daughter’s SEN needs, and that people have stopped inviting her to their houses. Completely understandable in the situation, but she is feeling very hurt over it. I think there is no other way though. Despite her feelings, I think I’m going to have to do the same.

meet in a park. Do your children enjoy being around me your friend’s daughter?