To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

Definitely this. You must put your children’s feelings before everyone else’s otherwise you are telling your children that you are allowing this behaviour at the expense of their feelings. They and their possessions should feel safe in your home.

There is no accountability from your freind or empathy towards her other friend’s children who may have been distressed after their visit.

Just constantly saying "well my daughter can't help it" undermines how you have hurt others. It should be your friend who has the insight to stop these visits as her daughter is emotionally hurting others.

One of my children was the biting, hitting destruction monster as a child.

As a parent of this child I know you don't get to relax or sit down and have a chat - you just don't. You have to follow them around like a hawk and remove them (and their unfortunate siblings who have done nothing wrong) at the first sign of overload before any damage occurs. You prepare them for the visit and reinforce social rules, you bring things for them to occupy them. That's the job and yes it sucks.

Your friend is going to have to understand that.

Other people will not tolerate their stuff being broken, their children being upset because it's not okay. You can only retain friendships if you manage this.

Children with additional needs still have to live in society - they have to abide by society's rules. It may take longer for them for them to learn these rules, but it is the absolute responsibility of parent or later on carers to keep them safe if they cannot do this themselves and keep other people and their property safe.

Sometimes this means exclusion from certain places - other people's homes, shops with fragile things, if they cannot be safe there.

Sorry but you're wrong.

The child's mother is doing nothing. She's allowing her DC to go into people's homes and destroy their belongings. That's simply not acceptable, especially with no offer to replace.

It's no wonder she's been banned from other people's homes. She's a terrible parent.

It’s so isolating have a child with SEN as friends drop you for these sorts of reasons and more

Yes she should offer to replace what’s damaged but you are right to continue to want to be friends with her

Be honest. Tell her your kids were upset at the damage. Talk about how you can make continuing to see her work.

Being supportive or understanding doesn’t mean having to have your home trashed or your kids being upset. Your friend is being ridiculous if she thinks others should put up with this behaviour in their houses.

This.

I spend half my time apologising for DD2. Then working with her behind the scenes to try and fix whatever caused the issue/help her improve her behaviour. It’s hard, but your friend is not stepping up the way she needs to.

No. I disagree with this.
I have ND and NT children.
NT DC should not have their favourite toys destroyed. That's traumatic for any child. They should not get taught that they should endure this, they should know that their parents will protect them from such behaviour.

@KimbleThimble You've had a lot of good advice so I won't add any, but I wanted to you to know that I have been where you are.

So please, please don't take on board the 'how can you not prioritise your children?' posts.

You tried to be kind to your friend. That's commendable. And you made a mistake by your kids, but you're fixing that now. That's commendable too. No-one is perfect.

You'll be fine

Of course people’s own DCs come first, it would be wrong if they didn’t. Would you put someone else’s DC first over your DC if yours were upset? No one has to be forced to play with someone or have someone in their home and space if they don’t want them to. It’s going ti be upsetting for DCs if someone is coming into their home and breaking their things. The mum of the child who broke the you should absolutely replace it. If my DC broke something I would be mortified and replace it straight away without question.

From my experience, parents of children with SEN adapt to their challenges and that usually means they don't have the same experiences that NT families have. I had to follow my children around, not because they were destructive but to keep them safe. I never got to enjoy the chatting of other parents over coffee, there was always stress. But that was the way it was. If my children caused upset I was mortified. I also understood that being in unfamiliar/busy places caused stress to my DC too and for them, as well as me, the parties etc dwindled out.
I don't like how this friend has minimised the destruction as only 'material', I and other parents would be mortified by this, while understanding that this is not something the SN child can control. People are kind but most parents I know would not take advantage of the kindness of others. I would suggest that you go to their house, or a park/green instead. Your friend knows that this is causing problems with her friends but does not seem to be taking any responsibility for making it better, suggesting something that would be better suited to her child's needs.

I’d rather upset a friend than my children.

A child’s home is their sanctuary and whilst we can explain disability and inclusion to children, it’s a bit harder to understand when young and your belongings are being trashed.

The fact your friend brushes off destruction makes me think she’s either overwhelmed or using autism as an excuse not to try and control the situation.

Harshly, it’s not your cross to bear. Your own children’s comfort is your priority.

Cn you see her in term time only?

Op you sound a very very kind person.

But your friend must realise that her kid damages other people's stuff.

I have a nephew who's just very heavy handed, things just disintegrate in his hands. Even his own stuff just disintegrates. So I can understand the toy getting damaged but I can't understand the book being willfully destroyed.

I'm also guessing the friend isn't in a position to replace the toy either?

I think you speak to her, could you go half's to replace the toy?
(Please don't come out and say its a Lego building thats been taken to bits, had than one on MN before, the Op was angling for a replacement because a kid had taken it to bits)

Long shot, but would house insurance cover the toy? Eg if it's a Nintendo switch or something similarly expensive?
I can't imagine taking my ASD DC to a friend's home and letting them trash it. It's just outrageous of her. I'm almost wondering if the parent has a degree of ASD herself to be so unaware of your children's feelings?
She is putting her DC first, without a thought for yours.
I think that you may have to tell her that sadly your DC are very upset re their broken toys and whilst you sympathise with her situation you are going to have to meet in play barns and parks.

If I wanted her at my house I would have a room which was kept clear of anything that I did not want destroyed. Anything of sentimental or other value would be in a locked room.

It is possible to meet in parks too. I have a friend who lives hundreds of miles away and we meet in National Trust or similar type places half way between us - and walk around the grounds (so no need to go into the houses which this girl might wreck).

You could also suggest your friend join an outdoor family walking group. I was in one and it did have above average SEN kids, probably because the outdoor nature space suited them better than indoor play areas.

Your friend also would benefit from joining groups for families with autistic children.

I would not cut this friend out but I would look for ways to protect your family whilst still keeping up the friendship, and I would be clear to her that my goal was to find a way that I could still meet up with her.

It sounds as if your friend is in denial about her child’s needs, failing to meet them and shrugging her shoulders at the impact on others. The inevitable consequence is that others will begin to pull away - and she and her child will suffer in the long run. If you value the friendship you may want to express clearly ‘I love you and DD so much. However, at your last visit DD spoiled my children’s things, tore up my garden and broke my belongings. I hope you understand that I can’t continue to have you visit if this is going to happen. Perhaps it would be better to meet in neutral spaces to help DD manage. I know this is hard to hear but I am saying it because I value our friendship and don’t want resentment to creep in’.

She shouldn’t have to claim in her insurance, pay an excess and then up her premiums for the following year because her friend is selfish.

I think you can still be supportive, op, but it will take a lot of honesty with your friend to explain you know how difficult things are for her but you can't have a repeat of your dc having their things broken. Just as she will put her dd first, you need to do the same. You say they live a distance away - how far? Could you meet somewhere neutral, half way, to spend the day together? Or could you visit them in their house (her dd may be more settled in her own environment too anyway)?

My dd is autistic, but her autism means she is very attached to certain possessions. She really struggles with her things getting lost or broken - I mean inconsolable. She worries about this endlessly. This situation would be very bad for her. Only now (she's 8) are we beginning to understand her needs (beyond what I've described) mean we have to make some hard decisions about we can do with her (and she's extremely high functioning, though I know many don't like that term). We were supposed to go to a small festival next year with my sister and bil. He's now invited his cousin and his family which will change the dynamics so much that we're going to pull out. We don't know him, and he has no awareness of dd's needs. The whole thing is just going to be even more stressful (dd can be great, but when she kicks off, she really kicks off, which is embarrassing when you're with people who have no experience of this). We've come on a totally different holiday this year to usual for this reason and it's amazing how stress free it is. Dd (and 14yo ds) are thriving. None of the usual stresses, dd in more of her usual routine, no extended family to please etc.

It sounds like your friend is trying to carry on a normal life with her dd, whatever the cost to her and others. I don't mean that in a horrible way. I understand it. I've lived it. But being a parent of a child with SEN means you really do have to adapt everything many people take for granted. You have to parent the child you have. I think there's a way of saying all this to your friend but retaining the friendship.

Meet up in wide outdoor spaces with all the kids instead, soft play if it's raining.

Meet outside!

Go to hers instead. Stop having them at your house, or meet at a park.

Now, I realise that autism is a spectrum. My children who are now adults are both on the spectrum and I simply would not have allowed them to behave like this as children ( and they didn't). I appreciate for some children on the spectrum that is not really a realistic response. But if your child cannot be trusted to behave and respect other children's toys, then you shouldn't be inflicting them on your friends. I find her comment about damages just being to material things mind blowing. I mean what if you went out and took a hammer to her car - would that not count because it was just a material thing. I think not. I would protect my children from this very entitled woman and her offspring. The fact that your child's favourite toy is now damaged because of her lack of supervision and you can't afford to replace it says it all to me. Apparently, paying for the damage her child caused has never even crossed her mind. I would cut her off without a second thought on the basis of this behaviour.

Could you start by asking her to replace the broken toy and say that your child has been really upset because you can’t afford to replace it? If people aren’t actually telling her these little things and then just stop inviting her she’s not going to get it. If she gets defensive that’s on her. I’d be mortified and would have already offered if my kid broke something to be fair, did she not react at all??

I don’t think you do have any choice OP. You need to put your children first - your friend can’t just expect you and them to suck up the damage every time they visit.

To dismiss the destruction of their belonging as ‘it’s just stuff’ is unacceptable and l’m not surprised other friends are commenting if the same is happening when she visits them. I don’t think this attitude really reflects what you said about her doing her best.

I would talk to her. And make it clear that you value her friendship and you love both her and her DD, but that you can’t afford to accommodate the damage DD causes every time they visit, and you can’t allow the distress it causes to your own children.

As other posters have said, suggest somewhere neutral like the park - pack a picnic or something to make it fun, but make it clear that there can be no more home visits for a while.

And l wouldn’t shy away from telling your friend that you know it must be difficult for her, but that her dismissive attitude towards the damage her child causes will end up driving people away. You could couple this with asking if she’s coping and suggesting she look into any extra support available. If you want to be supportive you could help research it.

OP, it’s great that you and your children want to be supportive to your friend and inclusive to the child, but this is not your responsibility to shoulder. Your priority is your own kids, and your friend should understand that.