To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

This is it in a nutshell

her dds wants and impulses don't trump your dcs right yo feel safe in their home

you have no choice but to stop the visits

be honest

" we'd love to see you both. We can't do a visit here, the kids get really stressed about the toys getting trashed but we'd love a soft play if you're free?"

This is so sad, it sounds as though your friend is doing her absolute best - of course it's not something you have to tolerate.

It's an impossible situation & part of the reason I have never been on a playdate with my DS, I haven't even left the house this holiday. The poor Tesco delivery driver is essentially my best friend these days.

It's so isolating and can be frankly life ruining for parents of SEN children. Of course your children don't need to put up with destruction - if you plan on not seeing her in person again, could you offer support in a different way? I have a friend who will facetime me every few months, it doesn't sound a lot, but it's a chance to talk at least & has been a lifeline at times.

I don't know about being explicit with your friend - I know I would be mortified if someone pointed out how my son's challenges affected them - something I'm all too aware of anyway.

I don't know about your friend, but soft play is awful for us & i just have to follow my son everywhere he goes he case he bashes into anyone.

Similarly, open spaces like the park are just too challenging as he elopes & would mean I couldn't catch up with friends even if I wanted to. If you want to see her, is her house an option?

Being in the same position, I only met a friend in a public place where if her child trashed the place, it doesn’t affect me. She caught on why I insisted on neutral places and the friendship fizzled out. I wasn’t going to allow my home be damaged and my kids stuff, when she clearly didn’t care about that.

She is also manipulating you by telling you about her other friends reactions. Result achieved because you feel guilty. And it’s only ‘material’ things to HER which is so utterly disrespectful to you and your kids.

why would you put your kids through that ?

Why would op make all that work for herself? And more importantly, her kids don’t want the child there.

Asd children can have behaviours that result in things getting damaged especially if they are not properly supervised. But she needs to pay for the damage caused. You also need to stop visits to your home it’s ok to say I love you both but I can’t afford to replace my things so I will come to you or we will meet in a park/soft play.
if she’s a good friend she won’t want you to be unhappy or be lose our.

My friend's child was like this. He has a raft of diagnoses & would wreck everything, including going into bedrooms to pull them apart. She did her best, but he was incredibly difficult.

If they came over we'd have to put everything of worth to us away, which was a pain.

I just started meeting her at parks or going to her house. I think she knew, but it worked.

Meet her elsewhere. X

Teaching them that personal boundaries are okay is also important.

Mum of three autistic children, here. YANBU Why didn’t she offer to replace the toy? I most certainly would have done.

How much understanding / language does the child have? It sounds as if she has unmet sensory needs if she’s breaking everything. My children have never done this sort of thing, except for the most complex one and even for her it stopped when she reached the age of about 3.

Has she been assessed for adhd? My son used to be this though not as bad as the girl you’re describing. He had an assessment for ADHD and put medication; i know a lot of parents don’t agree with medicating but if it helps them then why deny them?

With my son it was dangerous trying to run accross roads and hitting his sister and every child in his class. He would sometimes break toys but usually his own and sometimes was a favourite toy of his My daughter also has autism and ADHD she was on meds mainly to help her focus and her OCD. Does she bring some of her own toys with her? Could you go to visit them instead? Autistic children are usually more relaxed in their own environment.

No offence, but who cares what she thinks if you stop overnight visits?

You need to put YOUR kids FIRST. They are distraught by their home/belongings being destroyed.

Cant believe an adult needs to be told something so basic??? Unbelievable really.

The OP's children shouldn't have to barricade themselves in their rooms because of the friend's child or lock their things away.

Because of the past experiences, they will still be on edge waiting for something to happen.

So for now, the OP needs to exclude her friend and their child from her home. The OP's children have experienced damage to their things every single time the other child has visited. The OP's children need to have their home back to themselves without experiencing anxiety about what will happen on the next visit.

That sounds really difficult OP. would it work for you to visit your friend at her house instead?

OP your priority is your child in this situation and you are clearly not prioritising your own child’s feelings by having the same repeat visitor who unintentionally breaks favourite items. Simply arrange to meet the friend and her child in parks or soft play instead. Or go round to your friends house which is likely damage proofed. Or if you both have childcare, meet as adults in the evening without kids in tow. Advocate on your child’s behalf, your child's feeling really do matter. Explain (kindly/warmly) to the friend that the damage is too upsetting for your children and you’ll need to meet elsewhere. She may try to minimise any damage as ‘just material’ but this is just her perspective, after years of damage control she probably has few undamaged items so needs to see them as less valuable to emotionally manage ongoing loss. However minimising the value of others belongings shows a lack of basic respect to others, the time and money things cost to replace, the sentimental element.

plan to stay over night at hers instead and knock overnights at yours on the head. You’re so focused on your friends feelings you’re ignoring your kids feelings and needs.

if she visits you, take her out to soft play or the park. Take a picnic. Maybe pay her entry to ease finances if needed.

look for a SEN play session or other options mid way between you both.

time to rethink logistics, you BOTH have children to consider now, not just her. .

I had a friend with NT daughter but never supervised (different issue I know, but similar outcome). Aged 3 she would go into my sons’ bedrooms and dismantle their lego models. Sons understandably cross when they find out. Next visit I locked their doors (they were at school). Daughter comes down asks her mum why doors locked, mum asks me, I explain, mum thinks I’m crazy and precious about my sons. End of visits and actually friendship. I hope she reads this and recognises it but doubt she will. It’s not your job to fix things for your friend, OP.

Her feelings are not more important than your children's, especially when it comes to feeling safe in their own home. I'd just be really matter of fact - "hey Jan, I really enjoy spending time with you and Beatrice but my kids were upset about the broken toys. There's a cheap Days Inn around the corner, so next time if you stay there then we can do proper day trips outside and have fun without stressing!

meet outside or at hers. I gets it's very difficult and isolating for her. One of mine was a bit like that when younger (I wasn't in denial, but there is only so much you can do and behaviour manage in a child with severe autism/plus severe learning difficulties), and most friends dropped me. I have just accepted this huge social isolation as part of bringing up a child with complex needs. It's shit bit it is the reality, and most people who never have had to deal with the challenge it bringing up a child like that just have no understanding and compassion (as many of the replies of this thread show). If it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't.

Of course you can no longer see this child in your home
Of course you can't

You'll have to see the friend and child elsewhere

Could you get a box of small toys for the child, colourful fidget type toys. If you can give her some specific toys that you don’t worry about maybe it will distract her enough to stay away from the rest of the house.

I actually think that the biggest risk here is that the other child’s behaviour will destroy the relationship between the kids. So it’s not just a problem for adults, it’s a problem for the kids too.

What I would do is next ttime you’re planning to see each other ask to go to hers instead. If she asks why explain that the kids were really upset about the broken things last time, and that you’re worried that it will destroy the children’s friendship if it happens again.

Leave yours and her adult feelings out of the conversation and as irrelevant to the discussion. So if she says things are just material possessions, you say yes, but I’m worried about the friendship between the children. If she says you’re being mean to her child, you say no I’m trying to preserve her friendship with DC. If she says DC can’t help it you agree, and say that’s who we need to meet at yours so dc aren’t accidentally upset.

Prioritise your own children.

Your friends child needs alternative activities / equipment to meet her sensory needs. Occupational Therapy might help with ideas.

My DH has an older autistic teenager and he hasn’t visited anyone’s house for a good 5 years now for that reason. It’s a bit like when you have a baby and the house isn’t baby proof. Honestly if your friend doesn’t see the issue then she’s part of the issue. It’s her problem to manage but she’s made it yours.

I have a friend whose child (no diagnosis) just trashes my house and breaks stuff. I always meet in public, occasionally he comes to our DC birthday parties and DH is like a guard dog - we have to constantly fish him out the house and send him back outside.

I think going forward it’s best to meet away from your house. As you live some distance apart maybe try pick somewhere that’s in between you both. Or would you consider going to your friends house? Perhaps the longer trip is worth it if your house and possessions are safe from being destroyed. If you can afford it, maybe offer to meet at hers and you bring lunch/cake/etc so she doesn’t feel like she always has to host you. It doesn’t sound like having her at your house is good idea. Is it possible to meet without children maybe in the evening for a movie or dinner, you don’t mention anything about the children’s friendships or if it’s just you and the mum that are friends.