To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

Meet at hers

she does have to follow her round the house - follow with her. I had to follow my severely autistic son around the house (he was a danger to himself rather than destructive) and there were no alternatives. I still have to follow him round the house and he’s an adult now - it’s just what it is.

The only place I could take eyes off when he was little was my friends house where she had a similar daughter. Actually they had to be more careful as she would seek out stuff (my son wouldn’t, he would just fall out windows trying to see something interesting) so her house was safe for us - as he’s daughter would also head out windows - but our house wasn’t safe for her daughter.

Have you asked her for the money to replace the toy? I'm a parent of an autistic child, so I'm not unsympathetic, but if my child broke another child's toy, for whatever reason, I'd be offering to replace it. I'm not sure why your friend hasn't done that??

Can you visit her house instead, if distance is the issue?

Like others have said, you need to put your children first. If your friend asks why she is no longer being invited into your house tell her after she left last time your children were very upset about their toys being destroyed. The fact she doesn't see that her child destroying other people's stuff is an issue. Her child's feelings don't matter more than your children's.

Maybe one of the kindest things you can do is just be honest with her? She's come to accept her child's behaviour but she needs to realise that it upsets others and that they may not be so accepting.

I would tell her you can't afford to replace the toy, your child is upset, and could she replace it. It's really not fair that your child has lost something precious and is expected to suck it up.

No parent is perfect.

But your friends alleged breaking point had broken your childrens belongings - and you hadnt prioritised them.

Her isolation and woes arent your baggage to deal with.

You might have found my comment mean (it wasnt, its factual whether you like it or not), but what you have done in prioritising your friend over your children is far meaner.

But I am glad you realised now that you need to put them first. Even if it took internet randoms to make you realise.

This. No one should be trashing your house and destroying your children’s toys. No matter what the circumstances

Isn’t this what mumsnet is about? Helping us see the whole picture. If we all had the brilliant insight that you apparently do then mumsnet wouldn’t need to exist.

This.

We have a "neurofunky" household and my youngest 2 kids are hard work.

Middle one in particular was really destructive, shes pulled shelves and lights off walls, drew on EVERYTHING and broke all her toys (in hindsight, she was trying to find out how they worked. But they didn't usually go back together again afterwards).

We just stopped going to other people's houses as I respect my friends' right not to have their stuff wrecked by my child. Starting meeting people outside as much as possible as her behaviour was so much more manageable outside.

I think it's time to try to put similar changes in place here- if she won't take the lead then you may have to gently suggest that meeting outside would be better becuase your children find it really hard when their stuff gets broken, but that you value her friendship very much and still want to spend time with her.and her dc.

When some time as passed Op. I think you need to gently explain to her why people don’t want to have them round to their houses.

You are probably correct she is in denial or maybe is aware deep down but doesn’t know how to manage the behaviour and has kind of given up. Her attitude about it all just materials is not okay and why I think you need to tell her out of kindness. She’s gonna find herself even more isolated if she continues with the attitude of no one’s else’s feelings matter here.

Softplay.

My youngest was destructive and became of that I didn't take him to people's houses when he was young.

She might be feeling hurt about other friends stopping inviting her and her child to their houses, but she must realise why they have done this. How long does the visit last when she comes to your house? If it's a short period of time, could you shut your children's toys away in a room that you can lock and tell her to bring her own child's toys with her?

I know that she is overwhelmed and her life must be really hard, but she must realise that other friends have stopped inviting her and her child because her child is so destructive and she never offers to replace the broken toys.

I’d tell her exactly why people have stopped seeing her.

I mind my nephews. Both are autistic but very different needs. I've had to make some changes to my house for when they come over. I lock away any breakable things, glass, plants, candles, ornaments. I put away any fragile toys and leave out heavier more durable toys. I lock front and back doors, treats press and sons bedroom. I'm extremely strict with boundaries and have natural consequences for any behaviours. It's hard work and was complete chaos at first but they know what to expect here and we rarely get destructive behaviours anymore.

And be blunt about it.

She must know her kid is destroying other peoples things - and she isnt replacing it either.

Lets face it - no one here would invite someone round whose child breaks things and the parent doesnt offer to repair/replace.

Oh Christ @KimbleThimble don’t listen to the pile-on. You are a wonderful friend and the “your DC have to come first” crew is why SEN parents end up utterly isolated. Thank you for trying to make it work, it’s more than most people would do (as you can see),

However. Your friend is bloody cheeky making the judgement that other people’s material things don’t matter. I can see how she got there - I’m sure there are plenty of things she adored which have long since gone to landfill but that is not her call to make.

I think the best way forward would be for you to visit her next time, with or without your DC. It could be the kid is calmer in her own environment? It’s possible soft play is an overstimulating no-no.

I think you do need to have the conversation about the material things. Could you offer to go halves on the expensive toy? Hopefully she would counter by paying all of it but it’s possible she can’t afford it either - I’m assuming being a carer affects her ability to work?

Your DC will be fine - which isn’t to say their stuff doesn’t matter, of course it does. You are a good mum. You are dealing with something difficult and that’s a lesson they are learning as well. I wonder if you might get more nuanced answers if you move this to the SEN boards.

I’m sure she knows exactly why people don’t want to have them over. Help her by finding a way it can work and then with luck she can use that model in other situations. Do you visit her? If not, and you could that might be a kind thing to do to. Parents of children with more severe SN really are very isolated and if you can keep seeing her in your home that would be a true kindness.

Your dc have to come first. If she is a good a friend as you say, she will understand. I'd also ask her to replace the broken items. As much as her child is not doing it on purpose she has to take responsibility.

The next time she messages to say say ‘I’m afraid my child was really upset about having his books and toys destroyed by DD the last time you came and is apprehensive about it happening again so I have to put his feeling first and not have you stay again. I know you’ve had problems with others not inviting you round so I wanted to be honest about the reasons. You didn’t offer to replace any of the items DD destroyed and while here you didn’t keep a close eye on her despite knowing that she was likely to break our possessions. I know that DD has her challenges and she’s a fantastic little girl but I just can’t sit and watch while my child gets upset’

Being understanding of SEN does not mean allowing all your belongings to be destroyed. Your friend is not a good friend to you or your children if she is ok with their things being destroyed by her child while doing nothing to prevent or rectify it.

Your friend might be upset at not being invited to places, but she needs to look at her own behaviour, not her child’s. If she’s making no effort to stop her child being destructive and hen doesn’t even have the decency to offer to replace things, she shouldn’t be surprised that no one wants to invite her round.

Does she offer to host at hers?

Your friend is emotionally abusive. She's created a dynamic where you must pity her at all times and has even made you put her needs above those of your own children. Now you've realised that, time to move on.

If you need help drafting a message I'm sure we can help.

Every parents needs to put their own children first, ND or NT. That should come naturally. How awful when you're upset and your parents aren't even in your corner. We're not talking about little disappointments and accommodations here, we're talking about things that are significant to OP's children.

I have SEN children and there's no way I would have allowed this sort of thing to go on without finding another way. I'd be mortified if my children broke other people's things.

That's a very blunt and very cold way of putting it.

I would mince the words a lot finer. Throw in things that you value their friendship. She's a special friend to you. However, you can't ignore your own child's feelings.And they were deeply upset, and they get anxious every time the child comes over.

Come up with some rules that everything precious to your children gets locked away in their bedrooms and the child is not allowed in their bedrooms or upstairs. How about a no upstairs rule. Other than to the toilet and back with mum.

Obviously the solution I agree here is to meet in neutral territory.

You need to ask her to replace your child's toy.
Say my child is very upset about their toy being broken. I can't afford to replace it at the moment cany you please replace it?

I think her reaction to that and you explaining why you can't invite her to yours anymore will show how important you and your children are to her.
If she understands then good. If she falls out with you then you can stop feeling guilty because it shows that your children's feelings are not important to her.