To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

Difficult all round…. I have a child with ASD/ADHD and whilst their needs are an explanation for the behaviour it does not mean the behaviour is excusable. My own child is incredibly anxious which leads to issues like this - he basically needs 1:1 when out and about or parking with headphones and a screen (and at home when dysregulated he smashes up his brothers room…). I would suspect your friend is not supervising as she is craving some adult time with her friend which is understandable but her child is really needing attention and support. Teaching your own children empathy is important but so is also validating their feelings, their stuff being broken is not acceptable.
Can you arrange to meet your friend when kids at school or if she has a sitter for her child? Can you meet outside somewhere? Would the child be happy if they got attention eg ask (bribe) your kids to play a game? All
play a game? Screens? Can you have a long phone chat catch up?
From the perspective of your friend it would likely be devastating to her if you couldn’t maintain a relationship but something needs to change to help your own kids. Good luck OP I think it is kind of you to ask for suggestions rather than just go in…

I have a autistic 3 year old and she is as destructive i would be mortified if she did all this in a friend's house and would definitely replace what she broke! being a mum to a autistic child is hard but her child has broken things that are not hers so she should definitely pay.

The child isn't there to play with your children and the mum doesn't want to have to watch her like a hawk. So my thought would be that if a screen would entertain her dd and stop her from destroying her friends houses then that would be an extremely sensible use of a screen.

Maybe your friend is so used to her dd breaking things that it has become completely normalised to her. But it's not normal to others and even though it's only materials, those materials cost money and can have value in other ways. So the next idea is that a selection of tough/non breakable toys are brought downstairs and all the kids stay downstairs. As your kids really like your friend this hopefully would be ok by them.

The third idea is as others have said that you don't meet up at your house. Is there somewhere her dd likes to go that you could all meet at? Or could you go and stay with her instead?

It's a really difficult situation but really what's making it so difficult is your friend not being able to see the problem. It's your friend that is the problem here. All you can do is try to handle it in a positive way - I suggest talking through the issues she has at other peoples houses and coming up with strategies to prevent the issues - which she could then trial at your house.

If she's not interested in tackling the issues though then I think you just have to not have them come to yours.

I think you'd be doing a kind thing to help her understand why her other friends have stopped inviting her. You are having to do the same thing and you've known her a long time and are very close, less alone 'mum friends' who may not have the same level of relationship with her.

As you say, she's possibly in denial about her childs needs and the impact of her behaviour and if no one tells her, she going to turn into one of the parents who uses "but she has SEN" as an excuse for everything and then gets angry and bitter when people drop her and her child. I've had to pull back from a friend because she doesn't control her child (no Sen, just 'lively') and she just laughs, and ignores the mayhem (hitting, running off, does the opposite of what told to do, very rude). She's quite isolated now in her other friendship groups as her now primary age child is just a menace to have around, especially in public places.

Can you find a way to see her on her own without any kids around, and in a neutral setting? (you don't mention if she has a husband/parner or if her childs father is in her life). Somewhere you can talk openly and where if she gets upset it's not too public? I find country walks or wandering in stately home grounds perfect for deep and meaningfuls with friends.

Gently her feeling isolated is her problem not yours or your children's.
I suspect that if she actually parented her dd by appropriately supervising her and telling her not to touch other people's things without permission (yes she'd feel like a broken record and it might take years to work of never do) or even apologised and replaced damaged items, she wouldn't have lost so many friends.
The thing is your so called friend has no respect for you, your children nor your home and to me that shows that she's not really a friend.

Yes I think it is time to be honest with your friend. Think of it as a kindness. Because if you aren't, she is going to become more and more isolated. She needs a close friend like you to open her eyes.

And yes, put your children first and meet her elsewhere. She may well get upset but maybe she needs this wake up call to get some help, support and advice as to how to best care for her DD.

I know it’s hard for her but as a parent of an autistic child I know that sometimes you have to work within your child’s comfort zone. That’s not a reflection on her personally.

I think the problem is that the mother doesn't see her DDs behaviour as a problem. I used to have a child like this come to visit, but the mother was very clear that I could be as firm as was needed with the child and take no nonsense.

I did as she said, and the very destructive, loud, difficult child grew into a real gentleman. He's just gone off to university, and is very definitely house trained.

What’s pile on ? Most posts are supportive. I don’t think her kids will be fine if the situation continues, and l think what they will ‘learn’ is that disability = getting away with stuff that wouldn’t be tolerated from themselves, and having to watch their stuff being wrecked without saying a word ‘because disabled’. It’s not the best way to encourage empathy and inclusivity is it ?

That’s not what I said though, is it? There’s a whole paragraph in there about that being unacceptable.

I would actually argue that those parents who are advocating having your children watch as the OP cuts a friend out of their life because they have a disabled child are suggesting a pretty dreadful life lesson.

Man this sucks. I have a SEN sibling and it is incredibly isolating. As a parent it’s relentless, but it is not working if the child is destroying property.

Unfortunately for her, her daughters bad behaviour and her inability to limit the destruction will mean that any responsible person will not want them in their house.

You should let her know how upset your children were, then fade her.

They can support her without inviting their own property to be destroyed. She seems to be seeing this from her side only and how it upsets her. What about the children of the other homes who were upset? I am sure she would not be very tolerant of other children destroying her child's toys in her home.

The current situation is not working and acknowledging that doesn't make you a bad friend. You need to meet in a neutral space like a playground or a soft play. If she can't understand why you need to do that then she is completely ignoring your kids needs and feelings and is the bad friend.

l’m all for teaching moments but this isn’t one. OP’s priority is her own children and trying to teach them about disability, empathy and inclusivity using a destructive child who wreaks havoc on their belongings, and a mother who seems to think everyone should accommodate her DD simply because she’s disabled is about the worst example she could choose. Put up and shut up is not empathy or inclusivity.

Yes unfortunately despite her feelings you need to put your children first in this situation. There's no way I'd allow this to carry on and tbh I'd probably be frank with her as well especially as she seems so passive of the things her child is breaking. It's no wonder that other people have pulled away

@KimbleThimble Sorry OP but I think you're forgetting the needs of your own children in your attempt to cater to your friend. Her life must be really tough but it's not fair to your children to bring that kind of destruction into your home. I do think she's selfish to come back and let her daughter destroy so you should put a stop to this.

Its difficult for your friend but she is not being responsible.

I have autistic kids so have been there but it's not acceptable for them to destroy other people's stuff.

I have an autistic child myself and obviously want him to grow up in a world where he is accepted by others. But I know that acceptance has limits.

Many parents of disabled children often complain about lack of understanding, empathy or even tolerance of their SEN children. However, if a child’s behaviour is having a negative impact on others then all the understanding of the behaviour in the world isn’t going to help the situation. NT children can also behave very poorly and negatively impact others and we expect parents to manage that.

I hosted a playdate with my SEN child’s friend recently our first one at home and wow, it was hard work.

I had different play zones set up (because I know what helps my child stay regulated), but even with that, we were constantly watching, redirecting, stepping in. I think we were interrupted every two minutes! My friend and I barely got a chance to talk.

I completely get where you’re coming from. Your kids must be upset — and honestly, I think she should replace anything that was broken. That’s just basic respect, regardless of whether a child has SEN or not.

At the same time, your friend probably rarely gets time to herself. Some of us can’t leave our children with others at all. So sometimes just seeing a friend, even with all the chaos, means a lot.

But I’d suggest meeting in the park instead — somewhere open where the kids can move freely. If she comes prepared with distractions (snacks, fidgets, small toys), that can make a huge difference.

Sometimes, as SEN parents, we get used to constant managing and don’t realise how overwhelming it is for others. But in someone else’s home, we do have to be extra mindful — gently stepping in when needed and being more vigilant than other parents. It’s exhausting, but necessary.

If she does visit again, maybe keep it short and flexible: sit in the garden, then move inside for a bit, then back out. SEN playdates can work, but they take prep on both sides.

Following with interest as am in a similar situation but it’s DNephew not a friends child destroying stuff. The parents think as we can afford to replace stuff it’s not a big deal and he doesn’t mean to destroy stuff but I’m not a cash machine with an unlimited supply of money!

I’m disabled myself and find having to put stuff away for his visits very tough. We try to meet outside but for Christmas that’s not really an option. I want to be supportive but I am also sensitive that DS shouldn’t have his possessions destroyed.

In my friends defence, her daughter is not “badly behaved”. She doesn’t have the awareness and understanding of an NT child. She is actually a very happy child, but breaks things through chewing and tearing etc.

If I were your friend I would understand that people do not want to have me over because my child is destructive. She sounds very self absorbed as other friends don’t invite her round for exactly the same reason and she is taking it personally.

I would speak to her and tell her how upset your DC are having their personal possessions tore and broken and in future you will have to meet up somewhere else.

State clearly that it is not sustainable to have your friend over for a visit with her child.
Encourage your friend to enroll her child in occasional respite care and during that time invite friend over for dinner etc.

Always meet at an outdoor playground surrounded by a child proof fence or at a McDonalds indoor playground.

If you have them arrive to your home, allow her child into the backyard and into the kitchen. Ensure that her child is managed much more closely - which will not be relaxing for your friend but it is the only fair way to proceed. Call a stop to the visit aftera short while and insist that next time a park will be better.

Your DC will be fine - which isn’t to say their stuff doesn’t matter, of course it does. You are a good mum. You are dealing with something difficult and that’s a lesson they are learning as well.

This is what you said. You clearly think that this is a teachable moment. It’s not. Their stuff is being destroyed and accommodating that will send the message that OP is prioritising another child over them and tolerating behaviour which would be completely unacceptable from themselves, simply because the child is disabled. That’s not teaching anything but put up and shut up, which is about as far from inclusivity and empathy as you can get, and will cause massive resentment, feeding into their developing views of disabled people. It’s a terrible lesson.

I’m not suggesting OP cut her friend out of her life, and neither are most posters here. A far better life lesson for her children is for them to see OP offering an empathetic and inclusive solution to accommodating a difficult disability, such as meeting and doing something fun outside the house, thereby protecting the things which are precious to them.

Commenting just to be supportive, but I think the penny has dropped for you. Unfortunately for your friend, your children need to come first; you can’t have them devastated after each visit because of the damaged caused by her child.
Meet in a park or some other neutral venue, and protect your children’s peace and security.