To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

They can’t see it because it’s not their reality.

I'm a sen mum. My dd is 6 and is growing taller and stronger and its getting harder now when we're out and about to manage her

But I consider myself lucky! Its not so bad

I've been through a lot of shit in my life, but the most hurtful of it is being ghosted or 'withdrawn from'

I can always tell its happening. I dont have any friends now but would like to make some. But I hope that I would recieve honest and direct feedback

Sit down with your friend and tell her how much she means to you. But tell her that you cant cope with the visits, as its too much and is impacting the children. Tell her you dont want out of the friendship but want to change things to get through these tough years

Don't forget, this won't last forever, but the memory of how you handle this will last

Don't lose a friendship because you were afraid to be direct and honest ❤️

Edit @KimbleThimble xx

It’s not for OP to take responsibility for her friend’s children above her own. Disabled people struggle to integrate into a world of able bodied people. Forcing children to accept without question that their belongings will be trashed by another child every time they visit and that they have no voice to protest because that child is disabled, isn’t the way to encourage inclusivity and a level playing field.

I actually think this is a dangerous message to give children, that we should tolerate things that are upsetting and hurtful to us because of somebody else’s needs. We can be caring and empathetic whilst coming up with a solution that works for everybody involved.

No. I was apologising for possibly misunderstanding and I was also explaining why my viewpoint doesn’t align with yours. I’m not twisting anything and I really object to being called ‘dangerous’ when my whole life has been spent advocating for disabled people. I’m sorry you feel this way and I agree - unfortunately there’s nothing left to say.

You just meet up out and about!

This. It does disabled people no favours at all, and in OP’s case although I really feel for her friends’ situation, she isn’t doing DD any favours by denying the level of disability and inflicting it on others as though it’s her right.

It’s the ‘it’s just stuff’ that’s the problem. Op is clearly looking for a way to support her friend without disadvantaging her own children. Being the parent of a disabled child absolutely does not entitle you to deliberately inflict the effects of that disability on other people to the point of damaging and destroying their belongings. And to expect children to just suck up their things being damaged because the child is disabled sends a dreadful message which will almost certainly have the opposite effect of inclusion and empathy.

Disabled is such an umbrella term too.

My son is disabled but he doesn't have a learning disability so is otherwise like any other 9 year old boy when it comes to understanding, social skills etc so he'd have very little in common with OP's child but at the same time he is physically disabled and most boys his age are playing football, running around etc which he isn't capable of. You also don't get many children his age who are in a wheelchair but don't have a learning disability.

He doesn't really fit in anywhere and he finds it incredibly difficult.

I agree in my sons case in my sons case he's severely autistic with severe learning disabilities so his peers are children with similar disabilities to him he goes to a special school and is fully involved there along with holiday and weekend clubs that meet his needs
But it isn't a one size fits all none of what is appropriate for my son wouldnt be appropriate for your son whilst they both have significant needs they are very different needs.

Tbf it does depend on the disability in my sons case he's severely autistic with severe learning disabilities, I find it easier to meet with people who have children with similar needs to mine as they get I also now have a lovely supportive group of special needs parents friendship group
But it's not a one size fits all.

No need to part company!

I did say it shouldn’t be imposed (therefore inflicted) on others, just that I understood how she personally has arrived at that outlook.

I’m hopeful that a candid chat between the two would work something out.

This is why us SEN mums just have friends with SEN children !!

It literally says ‘we can work on ways to keep you safer’ my whole point was doing both things. Showing empathy AND helping your child understand that kids with special needs sometimes do things that are unkind without meaning to be unkind.

Indeed. Heaven forbid we have to learn that kids with SEN sometimes do things becuase of those special needs.

100%

Those are fine venues for this child to start meeting with other children for short periods, then build it up. When I know the situation and can anticipate needs, then starting with short visits to my home and hopefully building up would be okay. Throwing a kid in at the deep end isn't the way to go or win support if it leads to problems.

My home isn't the venue to start this sort of thing without an understanding of the needs I am dealing with. If a child comes over and damages things from the off, I'm more likely to be put off than if a child comes over and I anticipate the possibility and have a plan to manage it. Even if the plan is you come over, we can sit with the children while they play outside, and when jr. starts showing signs it's getting to be enough for them, we'll end the visit.

I can also explain managed situations to my children which will make them better able to deal with it and be part of the solution. If their stuff gets destroyed every time, of course it's natural they are going to get upset if the child is coming and not want it. If we can limit destruction and they know the worst thing that happens is the visit ends sooner than expected, they'll be good about visits.

I'm not really sure why you seem to expect everyone else to deal with having things destroyed, being hurt and martyring themselves to allow these behaviours in their homes. A child with SEN doesn't cancel out the needs of other children and people who don't have SEN.

I think I have a high proportion of friends with SEN children because the SEN comes from somewhere. The parents probably have some SEN as well if we're talking about neurodiversity. In my experience ND attracts ND as you just slot together so naturally. This is why I think I have so many friends with SEN children, via mother friendship.

This is just my experience over the years. My children are young adults now. I do think their friendships with other SEN people are the most valuable for them. They fit together so much more naturally, communicate similarly, understand each other easier. It's a much more relaxed and easy relationship.

They do benefit from being in the wider world and I would never try to isolate them from that. Part of that means accepting they have limitations and there are some things that puts out of reach for now. Pushing to challenge them a bit is one thing but not putting them into situations I know are going to be overly stressful and negative for them. One step at a time.

One thing they (and I) love about being past the school years is that adults get to choose their worlds rather than be pushed into places they don't feel comfortable. We can choose which parts of society we integrate with according to our needs. Oddly enough, that means we tend to naturally end up around a lot of SEN people.

A lot of adult socialise within a sub-culture of their choosing. Our subculture tends to be the SEN individuals out there quite naturally.

Absolute rubbish....my son has two extremely rare de-novo genetic disorders....meaning they were formed in the womb and no fault of either parent. SEN parents attract SEN parents because we understand each other...for example... my son went to bed at 8.30, three meds to sleep and woke up about 45 minutes ago.....I'm getting no sleep tonight!
SEN parents talk about poo, mucus, wee, infections, drugs and lack of sleep.....some of our kids are in nappies as older teen and will be for life.
Yesterday I removed my sins catheter bag and pee splashed all over my face & on my lips. I was dressed & ready to go out... did I redo make up and waste an hour getting changed? Nope ....
Sometimes I can leave the house and a hour later find poo on my elbow....
SEN mums talk about these things and stop each other thinking they've lost it or they are mad....its just another life.
I met most of my friends at an Opportunity Group when kids were babies and then from his special school. SO NOPE.... We don't all have SEN ourselves.... we just have pain in the bum kids and it takes a special type of parent to understand your feelings x

I think it's extremely rude and ignorant of you to call my lived experience absolute rubbish. There are a wide range of SEN issues.

My friends and myself joke about how we were attracted to each other through an innate sense of each other's ND, which also benefited the kids.

All parents NT, SEN, or a mix talk about poo, mucus, wee, infections, drugs and lack of sleep. It's a theme of parenting.

Your type of SEN is different to mine but that doesn't make my experience rubbish.

Me and my childhood best friend have been diagnosed with adhd as adults...... my college best friend has also been diagnosed with adhd as an adult 😅

My adult best friend isn't diagnosed but I'd put money on her being ADHD too

I think a lot of us can recognise each other

I was at a blood test app for my DS the other day and started talking to another mum in the waiting area....she had also been diagnosed as an adult 😅

Birds of a feather flock together and all that

That's exactly my experience too. In my family, they're finding and marrying each other in the community too.

Before the penny dropped I always wondered why I found some people hard to talk to and others, you just talk from the outset like you've known each other forever. I now realise they're probably the ND people! We do seem to have a radar. I think it's a good thing overall.

Doesn't that depend on how severe their needs are? My DS doesn't destroy things but he's non verbal so is isolated by that rather than behaviour. Other children don't understand why he doesn't respond to them and tbh he's not interested in playing with others anyway.
The isolation is so hard, a few weeks ago I cried because DS was invited to a swimming party by one of the children in his class. First time he'd ever been invited to a party and he loved it (because it was swimming).
It's not fair to say children with SEN are isolated because they can't be bothered to parent. I'm really surprised someone with SEN children has that attitude.

You have to put your children and their need for a safe space first. Your friend already knows this is a problem but is dismissing your concerns as you’re one of her last friends they can visit. You have to be honest and say you’ve reached your limit and need a pause on home visits for the foreseeable future.