To be struggling with friends SEN child??

[KimbleThimble]

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

I said I've found, most of the SEN parents who are isolated are the ones who won't acknowledge the affect their lack of parenting affects other people

The I've found states a lived experience. Not an attitude

You've taken it personally and that's on you🤷‍♀️

I am not! I find some of the most judgemental people when it comes to children with very severe needs are smug parents of less severely/much more high functioning children. After all, if they managed to teach certain skills to their children, every parent of a disabled child should.

I think she might have been referencing parents and children with adhd or autism

True!

My child has managed to..

Yes well my child smears his own excrement up the walls so I don’t think we’re the same 😂

This is so true and you see it on here too somone well describe the behaviour of a child with severe autism and learning disabilities, and loads of posters reply with my child is autistic and they don't behave like that
There's a worlds of difference between a child or adult who can understand how their actions impact other and those that can't.

I’d be mortified if my autistic child did this in someone’s home. I’d offer to pay for anything broken then make sure future arrangements were more suitable. If it’s friends with kids the park or soft play is much better.

I agree. However there IS a contingent of parents of (particularly autistic) children who do not try to instill better behaviour.

It’s important to strive due the best we can with our children and that includes being realistic about both ability AND limitations.

I have completely different expectations of my boys who have the same technical diagnosis but very different profiles of cognitive ability.

Yep.

My son doesn't have autism and doesn't have learning disabilities but is physically disabled and in wheelchair so obviously can't run around playing football with the other boys his age so he's isolated by that. He has no behavioural issues.

We don't fit in at SEN groups either so in our case, other SEN families aren't necessarily the answer either.

You are correct. I thought it was pretty obvious I was talking about my specific area of SEN.

It's such a shame your son is isolated due to mobility issues. That should be so easy for people to accommodate. There must be so many activities they could do with your son that don't involve having to run around.

It doesn't help that before his illness which caused his mobility issues, he was all about playing football including playing in a team so his friends did that too and had football birthday parties etc so his friends are very football, football, football.

It's partly the age too. He's 9 and birthday parties (if not football) tend to be laser quest, clip n climb type things which obviously naturally excludes him.