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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say no if my boyfriend proposes

190 replies

Mumof4girlshectic · 06/08/2025 15:00

Me and fella have been together 6 years, we are happily in love and to be honest we don't have any problems, I love him to bits and I feel he's the same with me... Honey moon faze seems to be our whole relationship and we have beautiful children together. He knew from the moment we met that marriage was something I wanted and he said the same, we spoke about it a lot in the start of our relationship... Anyway we are in the 6th year, have children, a home but still no proposal and in my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no, I feel if it's taken him this long then there's a reason, he just doesn't love me enough or something is stopping him, he knows I'm fine with a long engagement so it's not financial. If he was madly in love with me and we was meant to get married he'd have proposed by now, he's made me wait 6 years, I haven't been naggy I don't mention it at all we only spoke about it a lot at the start... I just feel if it was menna be he'd have done it and if he does it now its because he feels he don't have a choice or something.. So I'd say no. Id tell him it took too long and it's too late now. Is that me being an arsehole. Yes I wanna spend forever with him, but he doesn't seem keen to marry me and has kept me waiting why should I say yes when he finally wants to....

OP posts:
redgingerbread · 06/08/2025 15:01

Sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face, tbh.

JifNtGif · 06/08/2025 15:02

Why don't you propose to him OP, and stop your weird behaviour?

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2025 15:02

Has he even asked you?

LizzieSiddal · 06/08/2025 15:02

I’m 59 and do not understand why young women today need to wait for a man to ask them to marry them. Why can’t you have a grown up discussion and decide together to go and get married. It’s 2025 not 1925!

sonjadog · 06/08/2025 15:03

If a proposal had to happen within a certain timeframe, then surely you would have broken up when it didn’t happen? As it is, you want to be with him, want to be married, but now won’t even if he wants do because he didn’t follow som arbitrary rule you made?? It doesn’t make sense.

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 15:04

A) seems an odd thread as a proposal doesn’t seem to be remotely on the horizon

B) in my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no, I feel if it's taken him this long then there's a reason, he just doesn't love me enough or something is stopping him, and you’d remain with him nonetheless despite thinking he doesn’t “love me enough” or that”something is stopping him”

C) we all know that if he proposed, you wouldn’t hesitate for a nano second and immediately get out all your hidden well-thumbed bride magazines

Whiningatwine · 06/08/2025 15:04

Personally I agree with you. I think a proposal is a compliment- someone is so bowled over they want to commit to spending the rest of their life with you. If it takes them six years to decide you're "the one" then I can't see the compliment anymore.

Whitesapphire · 06/08/2025 15:04

I think you should talk to him about it

BeltaLodaLife · 06/08/2025 15:05

Didn’t you have this discussion when you got pregnant? Why did you plan children together when you weren’t married, if marriage is what you wanted?

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 06/08/2025 15:05

Or you could look at it another way and think seeing as you dint ask him in 5 years you can't be much into.him.

The whole thing makes you sound about 12

BathsAreBliss · 06/08/2025 15:06

Would you regret saying no if he broke up with you because of your answer? It’s a real possibility…

You’re also missing out on the safety net of marriage if anything happens to him and you have young children together

SoftLass · 06/08/2025 15:06

This exact scenario happened to a friend of mine. He proposed after 2 kids and about 10 years and despite having been desperate to get married, she said no because he'd taken too long. So she's still in an incredibly vulnerable financial position (went part time when kids were born), I couldn't believe it when she told me. It seems idiotic to me. Marriage is a practical, hard-headed decision when you are the vulnerable party. Protect yourself!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 06/08/2025 15:07

Are you working full time? Has your career taken a back seat due to children? What’s your living situation?

Depending on those factors you should seriously consider accepting a proposal if one comes. Marriage isn’t just a ‘compliment’ or a romantic commitment, its a legal contract to protect you and ensure a fair division of assets if you split. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 06/08/2025 15:07

Sometimes life gets in the way. It’s as simple as that. My partner and I always meant to get married and despite him saying he would sort it just didn’t get around to it so I grabbed the opportunity instead and re-asked him and organised it myself. It was a fabulous day and we had an amazing time from start to finish. It was so good in fact he says we are going to re new our vows just to do it again. I’ll probably have to sort that too 😝

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 06/08/2025 15:10

If you're financially independent, own your own property, are ok about not legally being his family and implications for this if he were to be in intensive care, or die, and all the other legal protections marriage brings-yes, just keep him on as a boyfriend.
If you want to be married, discuss it with him.

The differences between marriage and just housemates: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

TimeForTeaAndG · 06/08/2025 15:12

You obviously liked him enough to have DC and get a house so I don't see why you'd turn down a proposal that you've been wanting. It feels a tad dramatic, tbh.

Why do you want to be married and why have you been waiting this long without saying anything about it? When you fell pregnant you could have said right, let's do this. Before you got a house you could have said it would be easier if you're married first. Why sit silent? Maybe he's thinking since you haven't mentioned it again that you're not bothered?!

VaseofViolets · 06/08/2025 15:19

You sound ridiculously immature. Either get married or don’t, everything you’ve said is nonsense.

Roosch · 06/08/2025 15:20

Mumof4girlshectic · 06/08/2025 15:00

Me and fella have been together 6 years, we are happily in love and to be honest we don't have any problems, I love him to bits and I feel he's the same with me... Honey moon faze seems to be our whole relationship and we have beautiful children together. He knew from the moment we met that marriage was something I wanted and he said the same, we spoke about it a lot in the start of our relationship... Anyway we are in the 6th year, have children, a home but still no proposal and in my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no, I feel if it's taken him this long then there's a reason, he just doesn't love me enough or something is stopping him, he knows I'm fine with a long engagement so it's not financial. If he was madly in love with me and we was meant to get married he'd have proposed by now, he's made me wait 6 years, I haven't been naggy I don't mention it at all we only spoke about it a lot at the start... I just feel if it was menna be he'd have done it and if he does it now its because he feels he don't have a choice or something.. So I'd say no. Id tell him it took too long and it's too late now. Is that me being an arsehole. Yes I wanna spend forever with him, but he doesn't seem keen to marry me and has kept me waiting why should I say yes when he finally wants to....

You sound confused about what you want, and I’m afraid also a bit crazy.

It sounds like there are the following issues:

  1. You want him to be in love and propose because he can’t wait to marry you. Problem: You already know that is not the case as he hasn’t done that after 6 years and ?4 children.
  2. The time for issuing ultimatums is when you are prepared to walk away. Are you prepared to walk away?
  3. You’ve done all the wife privileges now, so what can you bargain with?
  4. If you don’t want to marry him, do you still want to be with him? As a single mother with 4 young kids it’s probably not going to be better on your own.

Many people do not get the fairy take they imagined as children.

Parky04 · 06/08/2025 15:22

He's probably thinking the same! Why on earth does it have to be the man who proposes?

We sat down one day to discuss our finances with a Financial Adviser and he advised that I would need to be married to have better protection as I was in a vulnerable position. Four weeks later we got married in a registery office. There was no proposal at all!

PringlesTube · 06/08/2025 15:24

VaseofViolets · 06/08/2025 15:19

You sound ridiculously immature. Either get married or don’t, everything you’ve said is nonsense.

No it’s not.

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 15:26

PringlesTube · 06/08/2025 15:24

No it’s not.

Show quote history

How so?

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 15:27

SoftLass · 06/08/2025 15:06

This exact scenario happened to a friend of mine. He proposed after 2 kids and about 10 years and despite having been desperate to get married, she said no because he'd taken too long. So she's still in an incredibly vulnerable financial position (went part time when kids were born), I couldn't believe it when she told me. It seems idiotic to me. Marriage is a practical, hard-headed decision when you are the vulnerable party. Protect yourself!

she said no to…. Prove a point?

SportsDirect · 06/08/2025 15:28

I think by the time you've got a house and children together, the moment for this sort of thing has passed. I'd think carefully about the pros and cons to you and your children of marrying and decide based on that, because you'll feel a dick if he then ups and leaves with his pension and savings and you're left holding the babies. Or maybe you're the one with the money, in which case maybe better not to marry. But either way approach it with your head screwed on.

Agix · 06/08/2025 15:29

He's not going to ask you to marry him OP. I think you know that, and that's why you're convincing yourself that you'd say no anyway so it doesn't matter.

Awaywiththegnomes · 06/08/2025 15:30

Agix · 06/08/2025 15:29

He's not going to ask you to marry him OP. I think you know that, and that's why you're convincing yourself that you'd say no anyway so it doesn't matter.

Oooh @Agix you are causing quite a stir on the other thread you posted on this morning re the son refusing to go to holiday club!!