Aibu to say no if my boyfriend proposes

[Mumof4girlshectic]

Me and fella have been together 6 years, we are happily in love and to be honest we don't have any problems, I love him to bits and I feel he's the same with me... Honey moon faze seems to be our whole relationship and we have beautiful children together. He knew from the moment we met that marriage was something I wanted and he said the same, we spoke about it a lot in the start of our relationship... Anyway we are in the 6th year, have children, a home but still no proposal and in my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no, I feel if it's taken him this long then there's a reason, he just doesn't love me enough or something is stopping him, he knows I'm fine with a long engagement so it's not financial. If he was madly in love with me and we was meant to get married he'd have proposed by now, he's made me wait 6 years, I haven't been naggy I don't mention it at all we only spoke about it a lot at the start... I just feel if it was menna be he'd have done it and if he does it now its because he feels he don't have a choice or something.. So I'd say no. Id tell him it took too long and it's too late now. Is that me being an arsehole. Yes I wanna spend forever with him, but he doesn't seem keen to marry me and has kept me waiting why should I say yes when he finally wants to....

You’ve given him a mental ultimatum without him knowing about it. You could have proposed to him in the past six years and you haven’t - it’s 2025, you have a voice, you have agency, it’s not the man’s job to propose not matter what bluff old traditionalists still like to argue.

You did all the other big stuff just in an arguably different order. If marriage is such a big deal for you then you should absolutely have raised the subject both times you got pregnant from a financial security point of view if nothing else.

If he proposed you can say no based off an utterly subjective and arbitrary deadline you have set in your own head if you wish. Or you can consider if you truly love this man and want to take the next big step. If you would say no then what do you think that says to him about how much you do/don’t love him? Poor guy, he’s not done anything wrong here, you’re setting him an invisible standard.

Why don’t you ask him, are you concerned that he’ll say no?

That would be a sensible, rational adult approach to take.

So never going to happen

My in laws were living together for 25 years before they got married. They were happy both before and after their marriage. He proposed when the time was right.
If you want to get married, say yes.
If you really don't want to get married, say no.

I’d be telling him that we’re getting married this year, and did he have any preference on month or type of wedding before I got it booked.

I did the same with DH, as soon as we bought a house together and way before kids. I wasn’t waiting for a proposal - once he had made to clear he was happy to be tied to me with a mortgage it was important to me that we also went though the formality of a wedding. And then we got married just over a year later.

You can’t want to marry him that much or you wouldn’t have let it go undiscussed for so long or had multiple children with him.

If nothing else accept for your financial security, unless all the assets are yours and you have a better job and pension.

Why not just say let's get married, it feels like the right time now we are settled. It doesn't need to be a big thing you have effectively been engaged for 6 years if marriage was always both your intentions. A formal proposal really isn't necessary just a chat about when, if he says no then that may show he is not as madly in love as you thought.

He doesn't need to, does he? He's got all the benefits with none of the legal responsibilities in the event of him deciding to trade you in for a newer model or anything to suggest that he needs to worry about protecting you financially and legally if he drops dead tomorrow. It's not as if you've given him any hint that it could be important to you - as far as he knows, you've forgotten all about it now he's distracted you with children.

"my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no"

Brilliant. Let him fail a test he didn't even know he was taking and punish him and yourself for not being a kind reader.

Completely reasonable.

He'd be dodging a bullet

This is the 21st century, why don’t you ask him?

I think you should talk to him like an adult and see what's going on

If you needed a proposal by a certain time, that time should have been before having children. Now you are just being ridiculous.

while an actual proposal event can be a bit of a surprise, it shouldn’t come out of the blue. A couple should know they are on the path to marriage and it’s nearing time for a proposal.

Then by your logic she needs to leave him though... not just pledge to decline a proposal (which isn't coming by the sound of it)?

You've not said anything that suggests he's even planning to propose. Has he said anything to make you think hes going to?

Sounds pretty stupid tbh

What will he gain by marrying you ?
He has everything marriage would give him already
Can't see him proposing now at all

With respect, he clearly doesn't want to marry you and now has no incentive to as you have already committed to buying a house and having his children without any commitment. He has no financial obligation to you at the moment so there are only financial downsides to him marrying you. Why would he?

YABU to not want to get married. Any woman who has children with a man should absolutely get married to him.

I think you might be daydreaming about having the power to say no to a hypothetical proposal.

In reality he hasn’t proposed and probably isn’t ever going to propose. It hurts your feelings and sense of self worth, and you want to imagine that you still hold onto some of the power.

Please tell me you haven't taken a financial hit to accommodate having his children like leaving work / shortening hours / missing progression opportunities/ moving to support his career.

Good men and fathers are hard to come by. Either arrange a lovely proposal from you to him, or get over your feelings about it. If you refuse when he eventually proposes you’re risking a good thing.

Oh for god's sake, grow up. If you were desperate to have a wedding you should have asked him yourself; it's not 1950.

Perhaps because it’s not the 1950s?

I just hope you haven't given up your career and your name is on the deeds.

I got married after 22 years with DP. We just agreed to do it one day and neither of us proposed with a ring.

Just talk to him about it.

Maybe show him this thread!