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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say no if my boyfriend proposes

190 replies

Mumof4girlshectic · 06/08/2025 15:00

Me and fella have been together 6 years, we are happily in love and to be honest we don't have any problems, I love him to bits and I feel he's the same with me... Honey moon faze seems to be our whole relationship and we have beautiful children together. He knew from the moment we met that marriage was something I wanted and he said the same, we spoke about it a lot in the start of our relationship... Anyway we are in the 6th year, have children, a home but still no proposal and in my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no, I feel if it's taken him this long then there's a reason, he just doesn't love me enough or something is stopping him, he knows I'm fine with a long engagement so it's not financial. If he was madly in love with me and we was meant to get married he'd have proposed by now, he's made me wait 6 years, I haven't been naggy I don't mention it at all we only spoke about it a lot at the start... I just feel if it was menna be he'd have done it and if he does it now its because he feels he don't have a choice or something.. So I'd say no. Id tell him it took too long and it's too late now. Is that me being an arsehole. Yes I wanna spend forever with him, but he doesn't seem keen to marry me and has kept me waiting why should I say yes when he finally wants to....

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 06/08/2025 22:58

Crushed23 · 06/08/2025 22:33

This is a fair point. But I’ll be damned if I have to ask DP to marry me 😂 I’d rather stay unmarried!

Yes that’s immature but as the higher earner, the one with a property, and whatnot, I don’t really ‘need’ marriage. Would be nice though. Would say yes if he asks 🙃

Show quote history

Why? Interested as it seems less about love.

Fetaface · 06/08/2025 22:58

You have a right to say no. It is your choice. I said no.

JustAMum35 · 06/08/2025 22:58

You’d say no but then stay with him @Mumof4girlshectic? 🙈 what exactly does that do for anyone?!

This 5 year timescale you have in your head is ridiculous! DH and I had been together 14 years and had a 3 year old when we eventually got married 😂
We decided to get married when I was pregnant as we knew given DHs job it was going to be more practical for me to reduce my hours etc. After we had decided to get married DH appeared one day with a ring (completely unnecessary and I was angry at him for spending silly money 🙄 but however!)
Then lockdowns etc happened and it was impossible to get bookings at our local registry office and then life just got in the way to be honest with trying to find our flow with parenting (which I realise almost 5years in is just the most wonderful shit show and we still haven’t found our flow but we’re trying 😂😂).

We eventually got back on track a couple of years ago and went to the local registry office and filed paperwork and booked the first date they had! Took 20 mins on the day - was perfect!

ManchesterLu · 06/08/2025 23:00

It sounds like you're playing a really stupid game in your head. If you want to get married, ask him. I don't mean get down on one knee, just talk to him about it. You don't have to wait for him to propose. Have an adult conversation!

Mumrant123 · 06/08/2025 23:06

OP, you have a house and kids together! You know that is quite a significant bond even without marriage! He ain’t going anywhere!
He will propose to you, when you least expect it and it will be totally worth it!
It took my DH 8 years to propose, I hit the 7 year itch, then gave up thinking about it, then BOOM out of the blue he proposed, it was the best ever. And we had the most amazing wedding day!

All good things come to those who wait….:

LBFseBrom · 06/08/2025 23:09

JifNtGif · 06/08/2025 15:02

Why don't you propose to him OP, and stop your weird behaviour?

Edited

I agree and what is 'menna'?

Whatwouldnanado · 06/08/2025 23:09

You are playing a dangerous game! This is serious stuff. If you are so happy, why not just ask him? If you can afford it give everyone a nice day out, enjoy feeling the support of friends and family as well as the legal benefits already explained. If he asks you tomorrow and you say no, how will he feel? How would you react if it sets him off reconsidering your whole relationship? Could he know about your silly deadline? Please also stop with the ‘menna’ etc. Immature.

Fetaface · 06/08/2025 23:13

Whatwouldnanado · 06/08/2025 23:09

You are playing a dangerous game! This is serious stuff. If you are so happy, why not just ask him? If you can afford it give everyone a nice day out, enjoy feeling the support of friends and family as well as the legal benefits already explained. If he asks you tomorrow and you say no, how will he feel? How would you react if it sets him off reconsidering your whole relationship? Could he know about your silly deadline? Please also stop with the ‘menna’ etc. Immature.

So she has to say yes because a man asks? Give over. Absolutely no she doesn't. If he can say he is not ready by not asking then she absolutely can say she is not ready.

TheQuirkyMaker · 06/08/2025 23:20

Whiningatwine · 06/08/2025 15:04

Personally I agree with you. I think a proposal is a compliment- someone is so bowled over they want to commit to spending the rest of their life with you. If it takes them six years to decide you're "the one" then I can't see the compliment anymore.

Plus forcing them into a commitment means neither of you may be able to find happiness with a partner who is truly your soul mate.

Rewis · 06/08/2025 23:22

So you had a timeline of 5 years to get engaged. You didn't get engaged engaged within that timeline. So as a 'revenge' you will continue the relationship and if he dies propose you will say no, but hope to continue as partners? You'll be the one to get hurt in the end.

Usually the point of an agreed timeline is that you'll walk away when the timeline has gone. Are you really fine with never getting married? Are you fine with being with a man that you believe doesn't love you enough? Did you have a talk at 5 years?

LadyGAgain · 06/08/2025 23:26

redgingerbread · 06/08/2025 15:01

Sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face, tbh.

This. 100%.
marriage also gives you certain protections. Don’t be too proud given you love him so much

NoVibrato · 06/08/2025 23:29

LBFseBrom · 06/08/2025 23:09

I agree and what is 'menna'?

Show quote history

I believe the writer means "meant to"--the whole original post was written as if an AI thingy had been asked to write in the manner of somebody not very well educated and possibly on the lam from a 1972 copy of Jackie magazine. That was the last time I saw young women talking about their "fellas" anyway!

thatsalad · 06/08/2025 23:34

Having kids with someone who you are not married to is idiotic

LevelUpDown · 06/08/2025 23:34

Just a hunch, but did your kids take his surname? Another reason why he might not bother

you’ve made this easy for him, you’ve given him the wife stuff without the financial and legal protections .

PGmicstand · 06/08/2025 23:36

OP, if you wanted to marry him, things are good, etc. then if he asks say yes.

A friend of mine was engaged - they were quite happy in that situation. He kept saying he'd get around to asking her. She was keen to marry him, but didn't feel she should ask him. Years went by, then a decade, then two.
Then he got ill, quickly, and seriously. They did get married, and he died a week later. She has very mixed feelings about the whole thing.
Legally, she can at least now inherit what he wished for her to have had - things that would otherwise have gone to his estranged family.

Moonlightbean123 · 06/08/2025 23:38

SoftLass · 06/08/2025 15:06

This exact scenario happened to a friend of mine. He proposed after 2 kids and about 10 years and despite having been desperate to get married, she said no because he'd taken too long. So she's still in an incredibly vulnerable financial position (went part time when kids were born), I couldn't believe it when she told me. It seems idiotic to me. Marriage is a practical, hard-headed decision when you are the vulnerable party. Protect yourself!

It seems idiotic to me.

Whereas I understand the point you make its not idiotic to not marry someone if you dont want to, I wouldn't be able to face a wedding if my heart wasn't in it. Maybe dont judge... especially someone who is meant to be your friend.

Illegally18 · 06/08/2025 23:40

And there's the kids!

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 06/08/2025 23:41

@Mumof4girlshectic seems a bit back to front! maybe he thinks we already have the kids and the house so there is no point getting married!

4forksache · 06/08/2025 23:47

Does he have more assets than you? Maybe he’s protecting them.

Franjipanl8r · 07/08/2025 00:01

If you died, what would happen to your children’s home and could your partner afford to pay inheritance tax if you leave it to him in your will?

These are the kind of serious questions you should be discussing with your partner if you aren’t married. Who proposes and when is just silliness for childless younger couples.

A lot of us who have children before marriage, marry because it provides the entire family unit with stability.

Thalia31 · 07/08/2025 00:05

Mumof4girlshectic · 06/08/2025 15:00

Me and fella have been together 6 years, we are happily in love and to be honest we don't have any problems, I love him to bits and I feel he's the same with me... Honey moon faze seems to be our whole relationship and we have beautiful children together. He knew from the moment we met that marriage was something I wanted and he said the same, we spoke about it a lot in the start of our relationship... Anyway we are in the 6th year, have children, a home but still no proposal and in my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no, I feel if it's taken him this long then there's a reason, he just doesn't love me enough or something is stopping him, he knows I'm fine with a long engagement so it's not financial. If he was madly in love with me and we was meant to get married he'd have proposed by now, he's made me wait 6 years, I haven't been naggy I don't mention it at all we only spoke about it a lot at the start... I just feel if it was menna be he'd have done it and if he does it now its because he feels he don't have a choice or something.. So I'd say no. Id tell him it took too long and it's too late now. Is that me being an arsehole. Yes I wanna spend forever with him, but he doesn't seem keen to marry me and has kept me waiting why should I say yes when he finally wants to....

Foolishness

MyQuirkyTraybake · 07/08/2025 00:10

It's a bit late to decide you don't want marriage. I'd do it for the kids and security...

Pussygaloregalapagos · 07/08/2025 00:13

Marriage is a legal contract not a romantic act. One should not be. Confused with the other.

VioletandDill · 07/08/2025 00:20

Does he know about the deadline you set or would the heartbreak be a surprise? He'd be gutted.

If you want to get married, propose. I did. We're married now and it's great. If I didn't he probably wouldn't got ages because neither of us get round to anything.

Newstove · 07/08/2025 00:25

I think it's defensive thinking by the OP - 'I wouldn't say yes if he asked, so he'll be sorry he waited so long' as he's not going to ask.

There doesn't seem to be any reason for him to marry her, she hasn't even told him in years that she wants to get married, so he doesn't even need to do it for a quiet life.

It does sound more like she wants a proposal than the legal protections of marriage, as they have kids together.

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