Aibu to say no if my boyfriend proposes

[Mumof4girlshectic]

Me and fella have been together 6 years, we are happily in love and to be honest we don't have any problems, I love him to bits and I feel he's the same with me... Honey moon faze seems to be our whole relationship and we have beautiful children together. He knew from the moment we met that marriage was something I wanted and he said the same, we spoke about it a lot in the start of our relationship... Anyway we are in the 6th year, have children, a home but still no proposal and in my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no, I feel if it's taken him this long then there's a reason, he just doesn't love me enough or something is stopping him, he knows I'm fine with a long engagement so it's not financial. If he was madly in love with me and we was meant to get married he'd have proposed by now, he's made me wait 6 years, I haven't been naggy I don't mention it at all we only spoke about it a lot at the start... I just feel if it was menna be he'd have done it and if he does it now its because he feels he don't have a choice or something.. So I'd say no. Id tell him it took too long and it's too late now. Is that me being an arsehole. Yes I wanna spend forever with him, but he doesn't seem keen to marry me and has kept me waiting why should I say yes when he finally wants to....

It seems this five year cutoff you have in your head is arbitrary. Your assumption that it reflects his feelings to you isn't based in fact.

Honestly I think this is weird. You have children together that is a FAR bigger commitment than marriage 🤷‍♀️. I also think putting time frames on relationships is odd, so much can happen, but each to their own. If you don't want to marry him now that's up to you, but be prepared that it could put a massive dent in what you say is a happy relationship. Maybe sit down and have a grown up conversation with him, there may well be a very legitimate reason why he hasn't proposed that has absolutely nothing to do with how much he loves you.

What’s the point in getting married? Really what are you getting out of this? In a similar situation myself and now don’t really see the point?

This is wild.
Don’t expect the relationship to survive the humiliation of you rejecting him in this way, having told him clearly it’s something that’s important to you.

you could have asked him..

Not have kids if that was a deal breaker

JFC

This is fucking ridiculous. If you want to get married have a discussion with him about it. You're in a grown up relationship with a house and kids, why do you need to wait to be asked. Maybe he doesn't think you are bothered.
Proposal expectations from women are awful as far as I'm concerned.

Talk to him, he obviously needs a kick up the bum ……and FGS get married you’ll have more financial security if he runs off with someone else.

You need to talk to him. He isn’t a mind reader and if your 5 year time limit has only been in your head then how can you hold it against him for not meeting your expectations. Think about what you want and what matters to you. Do you have a good relationship and good life together? How important is marriage to you? What kind of wedding would you want? Are you willing to end your relationship with the father of your child if he says he doesn’t want to get married or does your life together mean more?

There are very good financial and legal reasons to get married, quite apart from the public commitment, the wedding, the romantic notion etc. The fact that he's taken slightly longer than the arbitrary time limit you thought of is neither here nor there. Seeing as you wanted to get married YABU to think of saying no.

I'd make the decision that was best for me financially. I hope you're doing that at the moment and if you're not you need to be. Otherwise you are incredibly vulnerable and therefore so are your kids. Make sure you are working full time, contributing to your pension and any assets are owned equally.

If you don’t think he loves you, why would you stay with him forever?

Not to the other parent though.

op, if marriage was important, why have children first?

Goodness me, cutting your nose off to spite your face much?! You're in a supposedly happy relationship but you've given him some unknowable timeline that the poor guy is just supposed to telepathically pick up on. Your username tells us that you've had an exceptionally busy 6 years together and maybe he is just trying to wait until the focus can be on just the two of you to propose. But if you are as spiteful, uncommunicative and controlling as you come across in this post, maybe it's that....

OP, it's much better from a practical standpoint to be married since you are life partners and have DC, but also, I do understand how you feel. I'd feel the same way, and probably many women would. But he probably just doesn't see it the way you do. Probably thinks that having your shared life and the children are the ultimate commitment. And he might just assume that you feel the same and thinks you'll get round to it someday.

I think you have to let him know how you feel. Yes, it would be lovely if he came over all romantic and did the big proposal, absolutely, but life ain't like that!

Also, maybe spend some time focusing on what you do have with him, than what you don't?

If you want marriage you need to have a discussion. It sounds like you have everything apart from this one small cloud, but I wouldn't let that cloud ruin your happiness. I think you should express to him that you'd hoped for a romantic proposal and a wedding by now. Wouldn't it be nice if they could read our minds! I think this is just one of many examples of a man being a bit dense.

Have you spoken much about marriage since the start of your relationship 6 years ago? Having kids and buying a house together are very big commitments, so he may not realise how important getting married still is to you (or was until last year)!

She's not spiteful or controlling, she's just hurt that he hasn't proposed. Have a heart!

If you have children together you need to be married to protect you both - financially, tax wise, health wise, and in terms of inheritance when one of you dies.

There doesn’t have to be a dream wedding with a white dress and a huge cost, but you NEED the legal protection. It costs around a £100 and can be done with two weeks notice, it takes 20 or so minutes. You don’t need a proposal or a huge romantic gesture, just an adult conversation.

This is a fair point. But I’ll be damned if I have to ask DP to marry me 😂 I’d rather stay unmarried!

Yes that’s immature but as the higher earner, the one with a property, and whatnot, I don’t really ‘need’ marriage. Would be nice though. Would say yes if he asks 🙃

Absolutely not, now that would be wierd

OP, do you own your own property? Earn as much or more than him and have the start of a reasonable pension that will continue to build as you have a good job?

If so, crack on, play mind games and don’t marry.

If you have compromised your earnings for children, earn less than him, live in a house that he is buying in his name etc, talk to him seriously about marriage and set a date.

Maybe he isn’t ready for what a marriage entails
No need to be pissed off and say No, just be he’s taking his time

I think the 1950s are calling you back....

This

Why haven’t you proposed to him? If marriage is that important to you, you should have insisted on it before getting pregnant. Y would be V unreasonable to turn him down now just on some ridiculous five year deadline you’ve made up. If you want to marry him just tell him for goodness sake.

Grow up.