Aibu to say no if my boyfriend proposes

[Mumof4girlshectic]

Me and fella have been together 6 years, we are happily in love and to be honest we don't have any problems, I love him to bits and I feel he's the same with me... Honey moon faze seems to be our whole relationship and we have beautiful children together. He knew from the moment we met that marriage was something I wanted and he said the same, we spoke about it a lot in the start of our relationship... Anyway we are in the 6th year, have children, a home but still no proposal and in my head I told myself if he didn't propose in 5 years I'd say no, I feel if it's taken him this long then there's a reason, he just doesn't love me enough or something is stopping him, he knows I'm fine with a long engagement so it's not financial. If he was madly in love with me and we was meant to get married he'd have proposed by now, he's made me wait 6 years, I haven't been naggy I don't mention it at all we only spoke about it a lot at the start... I just feel if it was menna be he'd have done it and if he does it now its because he feels he don't have a choice or something.. So I'd say no. Id tell him it took too long and it's too late now. Is that me being an arsehole. Yes I wanna spend forever with him, but he doesn't seem keen to marry me and has kept me waiting why should I say yes when he finally wants to....

The point is she made it known the marriage was important to her, and he has knowingly left her stewing ever since.

Wouldn't be surprised if he's the avoidant type, hence no conversation about it either.

Reading between the lines, I'd say OP was always the one bringing up the topic. The DP never did, and OP has since took a step back to wait. Then, silence.

I'd be interested to know if he's been married before, etc, erv.

If I was OP.. I'd potentially push for marriage if beneficial to me legally, since there are kids on the scene.

However, had there been no kids involved, I would probably be leaving him now if I were you.

It's interesting because I recognise your thought pattern. I was having similar thoughts after being with a divorced older man for 5 years (both of us no kids). Then, I realised I was resentful. I tried to open the conversation so I could move past the resentment, but it was futile. The damage was done. I left.

I know 2 people that spoke to their partners about it , just sat then down and told them that they loved them and wanted to make it official and both of the men were delighted , one couple went out the next day and chose a ring , the other couple set a time frame or around 3 months for which him to propose and he proposed the following month.
Men aren't mind readers.
Just talk to him.
You don't even need a big wedding

this came to my mind instantly!

OP - what assets are in your name? What is the scenario for you home wise etc should the worst happen? If you’re done waiting for a proposal of marriage and you don’t want to propose to him then there’s no need to get married. You do, however need to get yourselves registered in a civil partnership. You have children and a home together - you need to be very clear about what the consequences are for you in the case of break up or bereavement.

Personally I don’t think you should have had children with this man until you were married if it meant so much to you.
Let me guess though - you had children and gave them his surname despite not being married?
You've said you’re very happy, so what is there to gain from saying no if he (big IF) ever was to propose?
It does seem a bit immature and I’m guessing you’re in your 20’s!
I married my ex 18 months after getting in a relationship with him… split up after 16 years… my friend was with her husband and had 2 children before they married… I’d say they were together 15 years before they got married! And they’ve probably been married 12 years now… my point is I don’t think it matters whether you marry in the first few years or after 10+ years….
If and when he does ask it’s because he’s ready … but I don’t think it means he loves you any less!

You would be doing him a favour by not letting him marry someone who writes "if it was menna be".

Are people just making words up these days?

She is obviously looking for a divine sign.

It sounds like your feelings are hurt that he hasn't asked, you've taken it as a rejection and so you want to return that rejection by saying no, maybe even save face like you weren't upset that he didn't ask because you didn't want to anyway? It is a bit unusual that you didn't raise the conversation before having children but you're here now, so it's worth the conversation with him I think.

Do you want to get married?
Do you want the big day?
is it a sensible thing to do financially?
Can you afford it?
if you want to be married you need to have a conversation about it. If you genuinely feel the moments passed and you wouldn’t benefit from the commitment then if it comes up you should say how you feel. But it would be kinder to have the conversation outside of a proposal not during.

Sounds like you’re giving it lots off head space and almost arguing with yourself about it. Whilst he’s not mentioned it for years, and probably hasn’t given it a second thought.

it you don’t need to protect yourself financially then why bother getting married anyway?

If he wanted to marry you he would have by now. Sorry to be harsh but it's the truth

When people say there is no point to marriage, there absolutely is - financial security if you’ve compromised your earning potential to have children. It’s not just a bit of paper, it’s a legal contract and as women often take the hit when starting a family, I can’t believe some women don’t protect themselves first. People get wrapped up with the idea of a big wedding which yes, is lovely and say they can’t afford it etc but actually it’s a financial contract. You don’t need a fancy day but if your partner dies or leaves, you will need financial protection. Unless it’s all your money in the pot.

So you’ve committed to living with, and had children by, a man you don’t think ‘loves me enough’?

And you don’t think it’s ’menna be’?

This! I'd feel the same too.
I always find it odd when people get married after they've been together years. Either he wanted to marry you or he didn't, not just because you've had kids together and there's no where else for the relationship to go!

Have you teleported from the 1890s? DH and I got married after many years together. The reason we didn’t marry earlier is because I refused to, over multiple proposals. Not because I didn’t love him, but because I didn’t love the patriarchal baggage of marriage. In the end, I married him, because it mattered a lot to him, on the proviso we just did it either way two witnesss.

So you will get revenge on him by refusing a proposal? And then what happens? Is he aware of this 5 year rule? You said you spoke a lot about marriage at the start- then what happened? If it was such a non-negotiable for you, then how come more conversations/decisions were had/made? And how do you know that if he proposes now, it's because he is forced to and not out of love? And if you are that keen, speak to him. You can propose too, isn't it?

You're not an arsehole — but you're setting yourself (and him) up for unnecessary heartbreak by deciding in silence that it's "too late" and actively preparing to reject him for a proposal you actually still want.

why not just have an honest conversation. Let him know how you're feeling, what marriage means to you, and that the delay has started to feel painful or confusing. Give him the chance to explain — you may be surprised.

This relationship you describe sounds beautiful and worth preserving. Don't let unspoken expectations spoil something that still has deep love at its core.

So it is completely different. He wanted to marry you, he asked repeatedly, you said no.

My ex knew I wanted to get married but never asked. When I decided to break up with him (financial not proposal related) at that point after 8 years he proposed. I didn't see it as flattering or exciting. I saw it as a cynical last ditch attempt to give me something he knew had been important to me but hadn't seen any need to do until that point

In all honesty it sounds like life got in the way of the proposal 🤷🏼‍♀️ you are in a loving committed relationship and have kids together….they take priority over a proposal so you would be cutting your nose of to spite your face saying no 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah it’s completely weird. Please don’t be drawn into the whole tiktok mentality of “if he doesn’t propose within 2 years it’s a shut up ring” real life works a little different.
If you truly feel he doesn’t love you enough then leave now.

My husband and I got married on our 10 year anniversary of being together in an amazing trip to Vegas. It was my idea, otherwise we'd no intention of getting married before that. Put your pride aside and have a conversation.

Marriage is more than a wedding. You get specific legal and financial protection from being married so push him on it

You were unwise to have children before marriage. I hope you've taken legal steps to ensure you not financially vulnerable should you split up or should he die?

Once you have a man's child, they usually no longer feel obligated to marry, and don't seem to care about their child's mother's financial vulnerability (depending on their circumstances of course).

It’s obviously been on your mind quite a lot, how come you didn’t propose to him if it was important to you? Perhaps he has wanted to but thought maybe you weren’t massively into the idea?