To not accommodate DH holiday plans

[NotWashingTowelsDaily]

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

Is he designated driver? If not then why cant he come home a day earlier than his mates?

YANBU - he clearly hasn't learnt, and if you're flexible this time, there definitely will be another and another.

For one day, is there no childcare option that he could arrange (not you of course!)?

He's obviously learned nothing and/or doesn't care. If you keep accommodating, he will keep expecting it. You've kindly flexed to cover the agreed dates. After that, it's his problem to sort.

I think he believes I’m being difficult to make a point. He’s so used to me juggling things he’s incredulous that I wont just make it happen. I’m so fed up with it. This will really stress him out now of course, which will be horrible for all of us.

YANBU at all and I'm not surprised you feel disrespected. The third option is, as pp suggested, that he comes home a day early or finds childcare himself.

He has set hours and yours are more flexible but that doesn't mean he's entitled to expect you to change at the last minute. He agreed dates but added one on - when was he planning on telling you? In truth he doesn't think your job or your time are as important as not messing his mates around, shouting at you because you said No isn't on. In future it would be a flat refusal until he gets over his entitlement

This one is on him op

He doesn't want to mess his mates around but is totally happy for you to mess your work around.

Great priorities.

This is what happens when you accommodate people, and they then take advantage.

He, your husband, is taking advantage of your good nature, to your detriment.

He doesn't care if it inconveniences you.

How much annual leave does he get that he can take time twice a year for non family holidays?

When are you having a trip away!!

Childcare not an option as DC complex needs. Usually rely on family if we really need it but this is once in a blue moon, emergency only and not short notice due to travel distance. This is one reason we had the previous talk, as we’re not a family that can easily pull in extra help unfortunately.

When he is calm enough to talk to ask him if he thinks it is better for him, you and your family if he messes you around, or he messes his mates around?

And then book time away, change the dates 3 times, and leave him to cope.

This. Happy to make your life more difficult with childcare and work. Not happy to make his mates more with a holiday.

He doesn’t respect you or your time at ALL.

So, when he booked the additional day off with work he just forgot to tell you?

Sounds more like he enjoys making things difficult for you

Maybe 'the boys' can put him up for a while!

He's unreasonable and selfish expecting you to cancel work on extremely short notice so he can spend an extra day on vacation.

Given that your kid has complex medical needs, he's really pulling an asshole move.

Does he want you to lose your job so you stay home? Is he trying to sabotage that so he can fuck off whenever he pleases?

His mates are more important to him than childcare, he has no respect for you and thinks as he is male, that’s not his responsibility.

Stick to your guns this time OP. His temper tantrums are designed to make you give in. Again.

You are being difficult to make a point.

Because at some point, that point needs to be made. He made plans, you made plans, he should stick to those plans.

This just makes his attitude worse Op, your work is more flexible to cover your DCs disability, not so he can go on lads outings. @coxesorangepippin is right, you've been too accommodating and now your DH just expects it, he doesn't see it as a favour anymore.

Well you are, but it’s a point that needs to be made.

Are you staff that provides sex as well? And you have your own income so you don’t cost him anything, either.

He’s winning.

I said exactly this! As he’s also taking a long weekend mid August. And planning another trip.

He does find work stressful and commits to long hours so I do totally get the need to have down time. Especially with family life being complicated too.

If I announced I was going away by myself I’d get a formal interview and there’d be a bloody full risk assessment!

Can't mess his mates around but can mess you around.

You are not being unreasonable

I’d reframe this - you are not saying he has to reorganise his holiday. You’re just saying you can’t solve the childcare and other logistically problems it has created. Which, given it has changed from what you agreed, is more than reasonable.

I think we as women often swoop in and solve problems - even when they’re not ones we e created. Your DH has created the problem and - as an equal parent and partner - it’s his problem to solve.

You are being difficult to make a point, and so you should be - because the point in question has been discussed and he hasn't taken it in.

If I was in your situation, I would accommodate DP's plans if I could - ie, if I was able to flex my work without causing any inconvenience or unnecessary liaising with colleagues. That's because DP doesn't take the piss and assume I can flex my work, even though my work is quite flexible. If he needs me to be off work he will ask in advance before making any plans (and frankly he doesn't actually ever do this because he organises what he needs to do around the time he knows he has available).

But if someone's taking the piss even after you've had a proper discussion about it then sometimes yes, you need to be difficult to make the point.