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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accommodate DH holiday plans

230 replies

NotWashingTowelsDaily · 06/08/2025 13:56

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

OP posts:
diddl · 06/08/2025 16:19

He’s taking an extra day off work because they want to stay for the Sunday night and travel back on the Monday.

Well he can't!

So before this he had planned to go back to work on the Monday?

SirRaymondClench · 06/08/2025 16:21

I think I must be old fashioned because it used to be that when people got married they went on holiday together but these days couples holiday separately many times a year and don't seem to even consider their OH while doing so.

Holidays are the good times so I don't see the point of even being married at all if you can't do the good bits as a family.

Your H sounds like a selfish cunt OP. YADNBU.

Namechangeforthis88 · 06/08/2025 16:22

Funny how he remembered to tell his work he needed an extra day due to the change of plan. But when it comes to family, he doesn't seem to be acknowledging that it even is a change of plan.

Scottishskifun · 06/08/2025 16:23

Nope you were clear he agreed then has disregarded that in the hope of backing you into a corner so he does as he pleases.

Agree its his problem to resolve and yep it would be a hill I would die on too because its way way more then just an additional day its about respect and him ignoring his partner because he wishes to have a jolly!

minipie · 06/08/2025 16:23

Jesus how selfish and entitled.

He’s really milked the “my job is sooo stressful” hasn’t he?? Guess what lots of people have stressful jobs and manage without little R&R trips through the year.

Stick to your guns.

And get some trips away for you booked in sharpish.

PicaK · 06/08/2025 16:24

Counselling for you both. Now.
Parenting a complex needs child is no joke and he's railing against it subconsciously. I kind of recognise your situation as very much like mine and ex DH towards the end.
Where's the fun time for you both? To spend together.
He's bang out of order but you know that but it's bigger than this one issue.
Salvage your marriage now with a counsellor that can show him how he's blaming you for the restrictions in his life and disrespecting your job and can also challenges you to put your DC second a bit more. Yes dc will suffer if you leave them but you'll destroy your marriage otherwise. (I know that's harsh)
He's being an arse but I'd see it as a symptom not the disease itself iyswim

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 06/08/2025 16:26

Oh OP, he really has done a number on you, hasn't he?

Please don't stay with him. You deserve so much better.

chaosmaker · 06/08/2025 16:29

@NotWashingTowelsDaily so when do you get time off everything and go on holiday? Also why can't he come back on the day you agreed to and miss out on one night? He sounds like a dick.

Original poster
NotWashingTowelsDaily · 06/08/2025 16:31

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I’m reading all of them and just feel so sad really. And struggling to understand what DH is thinking to behave like this. He’s come back in and the atmosphere is horrible. Nobody is benefiting from this and it so unnecessary.

I also feel like a patronising idiot for having had to explain AGAIN that booking holiday without telling your wife your plans is not ok. I mean ffs.

OP posts:
amillionandone · 06/08/2025 16:38

Your husband sounds like a petulant brat rather than a responsible parent and loving husband. How dare he prefer to 'mess around' his wife than slightly inconvenience his friends? Especially when it's his own fault for changing plans without discussing it with you!

He's very lucky you're happy to have him go off on holiday on his own at least twice a year, every year, because that in itself is a lot to ask, particularly when there's a child with special challenges involved.

MageQueen · 06/08/2025 16:39

You said earlier that he wants yo to NOT work and just do it all. So I do wonder if that is the point - he's punishing you by making your life harder for not doign what he wants.

KmcK87 · 06/08/2025 16:44

This guys got it made hasn’t he 🤣 total single married man by the sounds of it.

susiedaisy1912 · 06/08/2025 16:45

make plans to separate op. He will have to have his kids at set times then and you will probably have more ‘you’ time then than you do now.

GAJLY · 06/08/2025 16:45

I'd be asking him to travel home without his mates. I'm sure he can get a train/taxi back?! He doesn't have to stay over before travelling back.

childofthe607080s · 06/08/2025 16:45

Tell him you have a holiday with your mates planned that Monday !

KindnessIsKey123 · 06/08/2025 16:46

I like the solution that someone said to say I can’t possibly cover this day, so we need to sit down together and think of a solution of what to do TOGETHER.
Is it entirely impossible for him to get a flight and come home a day early?

Bestfootforward11 · 06/08/2025 16:48

This is just not on and it’s the cumulative selfishness that is winding me up on your behalf:

  • he relies on you to juggle and be flexible on the day to day
  • while his job might be stressful, there’s no recognition at all that what you are doing is stressful too
  • he goes on 2 holidays a year with mates
  • he expects you to facilitate that at a moments notice
  • youve only been away twice in 2 years and one was when your DF was very unwell
  • when you stayed over that night due to distance, he accused you of making it a ‘jolly’- just awful in the circumstances
  • he strops around like a child now he can’t have his way
  • instead of having a conversation, he throws accusations at you for spoiling things for him…
  • there is no sense of reciprocity
  • there is no sense of respect, appreciation,or care for anyone other than himself.

He sounds like a spoilt teenager to me and you and your child deserve a grown up. I‘m sorry you are having to navigate this.

susiedaisy1912 · 06/08/2025 16:49

KmcK87 · 06/08/2025 16:44

This guys got it made hasn’t he 🤣 total single married man by the sounds of it.

Yep a bachelor who happens to have a family. My exh was like this and when we separated the two things I had to do extra to what I was already doing to keep everything afloat was mow the grass once every few weeks and put the wheelie bin out. That was it. Other than that, mine and the kids lives just carried on exactly as they were.

DangerousAlchemy · 06/08/2025 16:49

NotWashingTowelsDaily · 06/08/2025 14:54

Hi reaction was that I always moan and make it difficult for him when he tries to go on holiday. That it’s because I hate him going away or having any fun. I’m always the same way. And so on.

Show quote history

Urrgh I hate it when men say this (my DH does too, on occasion) when men say 'oh why do you have to nag/moan/spoil my fun' etc when it's a problem THEY have created and you won't change your plans to better suit their needs. OP you need to organise your own weekends away (whether you really want them or not) so he can see what it's like to parent alone on these rare occasions and so you get to have a life/fun outside of family life. Do it now & get some dates in the diary.

cha04 · 06/08/2025 16:51

NotWashingTowelsDaily · 06/08/2025 13:56

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

So basically he likes to be single but have a ‘mother’ waiting for him at home with everything sorted. Absolutely not. Get a divorce you’ll get more childcare from him that way!! Not seen once post from anyone with a decent partner. Says a lot about that state of men.

MikeRafone · 06/08/2025 16:51

He has responsibilities and you are at work - no way can you pull a sticky for his holiday. Especially as this was all agreed in writing before hand - he has moved the goal posts. Its his problem now to solve

and if you keep solving his problem he will keep relying on you as he is now

LacStCharles · 06/08/2025 16:52

I'm sorry @NotWashingTowelsDaily I hope you can work things out and that he starts to treat you with a bit more respect.

cha04 · 06/08/2025 16:52

So basically he likes to be single but have a ‘mother’ waiting for him at home with everything sorted. Absolutely not. Get a divorce you’ll get more childcare from him that way!! Not seen once post from anyone with a decent partner. Says a lot about that state of men.

MikeRafone · 06/08/2025 16:53

I bet if you were to say "oh him off on holiday next Tuesday for 3 days so take care of the kids hun" he'd be fuming... he'd refuse to take time of work and think you were bang out of order

pestowithwalnuts · 06/08/2025 16:53

He's a lucky twat in that he goes away with blokes twice a year
What about you op.,? Do you go away and leave the kids with him ?

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