To not accommodate DH holiday plans

[NotWashingTowelsDaily]

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

Same. My ex was like this (DH is thankfully the complete opposite and keeps everything afloat more than I do!).

My ex would make plans without bothering checking dates or last minute, I would comment as the OP has done, he would kick off saying I was selfish and never wanted to have fun🙄Funnily enough when I (very rarely) made last minute plans with my friends to go away and leave him to it, I was also selfish!!!

You couldn't make it up.

right im sorry but your DH spunds like a bellend!!! Visiting a sick parent is hardly a jolly ffs. You honestly need couples counselling i think as it dounds like he doesn't respect you at all. I would go apesh*t if my DH talked to me like this. I visited my dying DF for 4 months every other weekend driving up the M1 for 3 hours each way until he died. My kids were 9 & 13 I think at that time. I think I'd have divorced my DH if he EVER commented on these trips I did to help support my Mum and spend time with my Dad. Oh and I did see my 2 best friends one of the nights usually (to talk/cry/vent) as they live in the same town we all grew up in and he still wouldn't comment as he's a decent human being and loves me.

Ontop of what has already been said he shouldn't assume that you would be able to flex your work plans whenever needed. Quite apart from the fact that you shouldn't have to do this, it is possible that on any particular day you can't change your work hours due to something happening at work that can't be 'flexed'.

Sorry if you’ve had to deal with something like this too. It does make things more difficult to manage with a special DC.

Interesting that this could be him rebelling or breaking out of perceived restrictions somehow.

Tell him tough luck, get your arse home Sunday night or else. Don't budge on this one. Two holidays a year. Been there done that. They like taking liberties.

Regardless of the bigger picture, with regards to the August holiday why can he not just come back on the Sunday evening? I may have missed any posts whereby you said if this was an option or not. Surely most places you check out of in the morning so he’s not missing much.
it does sound like you’ve got stuck in a rut where you are taken for granted and his downtime is prioritised over yours.

@NotWashingTowelsDaily YANBU at all.

You made a plan together and agreed to him going away with his mates until Sunday. The fact he chose to ignore the agreed plan and come back Monday is NOT your fault or problem - its HIS problem.

If he wants to return Monday then he needs to sort alternative childcare, otherwise he has to return Sunday as agreed. He can only be angry at himself.

I'm afraid Id be telling him that if he's not back Sunday night as agreed then he is not coming back at all.

I'd have hit the roof. But as PP have said - absolutely don't solve the problem for him. He has created this problem, he needs to solve it. His current attitude is attempting to create a child-parent dynamic with you where you're the mean parent and he's the carefree child. You can break that by being the adult - it's not about being mean or anyone deserving a break (or letting down his friends), it's the natural consequence of him booking the holiday for a day too long. End of.

On a longer term note, couples counselling sounds like a really good idea - if you can get respite care for the kids or someone to come in short term, which I know is hard with complex needs. It can be good for men like this to get some tough love from the counsellor. Alternatively get yourself some counselling so you can set good boundaries and not get sucked into his nonsense. Good luck OP.

Do you think he's "trying to get one over you"? So he reluctantly changed the dates because he has no logical argument about booking dates as though he's still single and doesn't have a family to consider, but he's still pushing back a little to show you who's boss? Either way it sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. That must hurt too.

But he has told his mates he will be coming back on the Sunday night as he is needed at home right?

That was the plan, he needs to stick with it.

I suspect he was always coming back on the Monday and knew he was pushing his luck so didn’t tell you immediately.

”He can’t mess his mates again”.

But he thinks it’s ok to mess his wife every time??
Fuck that. It’s clear where his priorities are.
I hope you laughed very hard when he said that. Tell him he can choose between never messing you again and show you and your children the respect you deserve or sign divorce papers. He has no respect for you right now.

If he saw the two of you as a partnership of equals, he would discuss holiday plans with you before booking anything.

As it is, he's a prick.

But his friends can all travel back on the Monday. It's only your DH that needs to be home on Sunday evening.

I would phone his mates and ask when they were planning to come back. Or phone the accomodation and ask till when it was booked. It sounds like your husband might have been lying all this time and is now forcing you into a corner. Lying is not ok. Forcing you into a corner is not ok.
Call him out in his behaviour. Tell his friends what a dickish move he’s doing on you. I bet his friends are nicer to their partners.

No, he did this on purpose to get you back.

Totally deliberate.

He can't mess his mates about but he can mess you about, repeatedly? Absolutely not, YANBU but he is.

Does he ever use his annual leave to spend with you? What do you use your annual leave for? This is all so unbalanced and his expectations of you are so unreasonable.

This. He's not behaving like a man with responsibilities.

What would he say if you told him he has to arrange childcare?

He is a monumental arsehole and a selfish twat. How does he get to have so many holidays? Where are your holidays? And when does the family have a holiday?
I hope you won't be doing any preparation or washing for his jolly.

Do it!! And at short notice too. It seems he's just been giving you lip service. It appears he needs to actually experience it to see how flexible you're been for him.

He doesn't even appreciate it and is booking more. Why doesn't he care that he gets all these breaks but you don't. He's showing you what he thinks of you. There's a real lack of respect here and he's not trying to railroad you into appeasing him by having a tantrum of his own making.

@NotWashingTowelsDaily Ask him breezily to let you know what plans he’s made for childcare on the Monday.
And then write on family calendar ‘Monday, dh sorting childcare.’

This is genuinely one of the worst things I've ever read on here, and I've been around since the days of Penis Beaker et al.

I've never made this offer on here before, but I've been a bit of a singer in my time, and I have some voice skills. If some lessons in quality, authoritative shouting online would help OP, I'm very happy to give you an online session. 💕

Nope, my husband stopped ‘lads yahoo holidays’ once married and we had kids. Never asked him to, he just did it on his own..I certainly wouldn’t be amused at him doing it and screwing dates so I had to pick the slack etc. He sounds a little selfish and entitled and well, a bit of a knob really! Huge red flag for me and I’ll be watching carefully for other red flags before making an exit plan..

It sounds like you have an overgrown man child who is throwing a tantrum because he isn’t getting his own way 🤷🏼‍♀️

You have already spoke to him about dropping last minute travel plans on you and he chose to ignore that chat and do it again (albeit one day but still!!!) Turn the tables on him and see how he reacts, how he would shuffle things. You absolutely need to take more time for yourself as he is definitely taking your flexibility for granted!

Sorry you are in this position @NotWashingTowelsDaily.

My take is that over the years he’s simply got used to taking “me time” as and when he wants and has lost all thanks and perspective about the pressure it puts you under.

It has become normal for him to behave like this.

Now you’ve pulled him up on this, rationally he probably realises he’s messed up (again) but he doesn’t want to admit that.

So attack is now the best form of defence. YOU ante being different. YOU are ruining his holiday, YOU are making him look bad in front of his friends.

However the truth is that he’s had years of support from you that has gone not just unreciprocated and unthanked, but given the last conversation in June he’s demonstrated that even knowing this he’s still happy not just to take but also to blame.

This is a problem of his making and one for him to solve.

Slamming around and sulking isn’t going to fix the problem. But he knows that - he doesn’t want to fix it. His behaviour is trying to bully you into fixing it by subjecting you to his foul mood.

It’s appalling behaviour on his part.

He had fair warning and he still PUT HIMSELF in this situation, so he can get himself out of it by returning a day early.