To not accommodate DH holiday plans

[NotWashingTowelsDaily]

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

Actually - just read that you have meetings that day. So unless they're the kind of meetings that you really can reschedule or opt out of with no inconvenience to your colleagues, you're not being difficult to make a point. You have work commitments. End of, frankly.

Does he want you to lose your job so you stay home? Is he trying to sabotage that so he can fuck off whenever he pleases?

I have thought this myself @outerspacepotato

But it seems more like he's being difficult to prove a point?! You've specifically talked about this exact situation in the past, he's had to rearrange a whole holiday because of his lack of planning (which presumably you had some input into because of the circumstances) and despite all that, he has STILL found a way to demonstrate that he has no intention of looping you in on his travel plans by dropping this on you last minute.

The fact he thinks you're being difficult by sticking to what you agreed is deflecting the reality that he has done this to you in the expectation of guilting you into covering his arse.

If it were me, I'd be wondering if this was a deliberate 'fuck you' for not accommodating the trip in June - a way to inconvenience you in retaliation for the loss of face in having to rearrange the trip.

Stick to your guns - I bet they all booked the trip including the Monday from the start. He's just dropped this on you now assuming you'll cave.

He wants you to "be nice"? Does he think you are 5 years old? "Be nice"??

Do you think he'll just go anyway, regardless of what you say?

Context is everything - if an otherwise caring and respectful partner made an error on a flight booking etc I would be happy to help. But given the history here and his consistent lack of respect for you or your time, you are 100% in the right.

It’s been agreed he goes away but he’s added the extra day on skewing the arrangement.

Yes to reframing this. You’re right, I do swoop in regularly when I see a situation coming. I’m a natural problem solver and used to think this was appreciated and valued in our relationship. I think these comments have helped confirm that I’m probably just being taken for granted.

The system you thought had just been put in place - each check with the other before booking and as soon as the dates are firm - is pretty much essential (IME, anyway) and probably should have been in place as soon as the two of you had children. That obviously includes going through the same process with any changes of dates, not doing that would defeat the whole purpose of the process. People make mistakes and if that's what had happened I would try to accommodate him (and vice versa, if I made the mistake) but if it's not possible then the options are for him to line up outside childcare or for him to adjust his (not necessarily his friends') trip. His acting like YOU are being unreasonable because you can't accommodate the last-minute change doesn't make sense. If he's acting as if he needn't have told you about the change and of course it was OK, that seems either disingenuous and manipulative or incompetent.

What was his actual response when you reminded him of the previous discussion and how this behaviour of his has already caused issues which is why he agreed to stop doing it. Is he accepting any blame here or responsibility for getting the dates wrong and messing you about?

Good on you for pushing back and not solving the problem for him.

You are clearly the default parent and he previously paid lip service to rearranging but hasn’t taken on what has been agreed. Stand firm. You had an agreement and as long as the Monday is your normal working day, then this is his problem to solve. The more you give in and juggle the more he will exploit you. I imagine he earns masses more than you so feels entitled. Book yourself a long weekend away - it’s really the only way he will learn.

That makes it even more important that you prioritize work over him having an extra day.

Don't let him fuck with your job no matter what.

You might want to start lining up some ducks if you think this is possibly the case. Get copies of everything, research home health care, respite care, and look into lawyers. Just to have in case.

Hi reaction was that I always moan and make it difficult for him when he tries to go on holiday. That it’s because I hate him going away or having any fun. I’m always the same way. And so on.

Not much of a family unit is it? It's just him doing what he wants when he wants. You have been too accommodating for too long. You have work meetings, he will have to fix this.
Also, stop excusing him, lots of us have jobs and lives that can be stressful, we don't all bog off on holiday leaving others to pick up the pieces. He just sounds really rubbish.

I think it might be an idea to put the next agreement in writing and have both signatures on it.

Great idea, 'I promise not to be a selfish arse and to remember I'm a grown up and a parent', signed Mr @NotWashingTowelsDaily

Does he not acknowledge that he made it difficult for himself by getting his dates wrong and not organising himself properly? Wild that he's blaming you for his cock-up.

Are there any positives to your marriage? It reads like he does what he wants, when he wants, while you work / organise the household/ do the majority of the childcare. It's not a partnership if he just see you as the housekeeper/ nanny.

Tell him you're having a weekend away yourself next when he gets back

When do you get a holiday and fun without also having to do all the arranging? He gets to swan off when he wants, with one simple caveat; discuss the dates first.

I can’t believe he thinks you’re the problem. Do you love him?

I was going to say YABU until the bit about your DC having special needs and you having no way of resolving that.

Does HE have any suggestions to resolve it?

And Mrs.NotWashingTowelsDaily (for his benefit) has to make it clear she’s not being deliberately awkward to ruin his holiday plans because she’s a curmudgeon!

He's so in the wrong. But I think it will be hard for you not to swoop in and fix this, especially if he persists with being in a mood and making everything shit for everyone. I know I would find I hard and probably cave. I hope you don't though!