To not accommodate DH holiday plans

[NotWashingTowelsDaily]

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

I know I’ll get torn to bits for this but I don’t think married couples / families should have one person going away without the family unless everyone is happy with that AND as much time and money is spent on the other person going alone AND going as a family. He’s incredibly lucky that you’re okay with it twice a year.

Yes, his reaction is one of a thwarted child (you're so mean, you don't want me to have any fun).

Being massively charitable to him, I wonder whether he's harbouring resentment about how restricted your lives are because of your child? Obviously he can't easily say that, so instead he's turning it around onto you and making it your fault for being inflexible.

I think you both need to do some soul-searching about how your lives go from here, because this seems to be a bit of a watershed moment.

Does this last ninute ange mean they are driving? So he could take his own car, leave on sunday and not mess his mates around.

I'm so sorry to break this to you, NotWashingTowelsDaily but your relationship is non existent. Your DH does not love nor respect you, you are being treated like a servant. I would suggest therapy, but as per usual the ones that would really benefit from counselling the most, believe they don't need it. Your DH def does need it.

Your DH, works long hours, stressful job, does not prioritise you, does not priorise your children, does not priortise family holidays, then blowsnup at you for spoiling HIS fun!? He prioritises himself! And let's be honest, his mates? he is most probably having an affair with all these holidays. Am sure the mates wives would not tolerate what you have.

I've been there and it took me far too long to realise. My ex DH worked long hours, didn't do the holiday thing, but did a lot of work trips. My job became untenable as I always had to take time off when kids were sick etc. We were both commuting so he nagged about that, on top of many other passive aggressive 'worries', until I couldn't take it anymore and stopped working to raise the kids. Which I 100% do not regret. But over the years he kept emailing me (yes, really) companies that were hiring my former job type/industry, all the while treating me like a skivvy and giving me no space or time for a job. All the false and broken promises in the world, finally broke me. In 18+yrs I could count on one hand the number of NIGHTS I'd had away from him and the kids.

I thought I was a natural problem solver and did everything so we could have family time. But my counsellor helped me see I'd been under coercive control and became an enabler. I lost myself and shut down. Please act now, for your sake as well as your children. Only then will you see his true colours.

My ex was the same, our lives revolved around his social life! Actually felt less stressed when I left him! Luckily married to a decent man now who would never behave like that.

This is not true. He won't have to have the kids at all. He might choose to, he might not, but she still won't be able to rely on him. I get to play that fun game with my ex. The difference is I don't expect to rely on him at all, and it is 100% easier purely because I know where i stand and am able to work around that.

I’d tell him you have no issue with him taking an extra day with the boys, but he has to organise childcare to cover this day and it’s not something you can help him with.

TBH he sounds very selfish overall

@NotWashingTowelsDaily DH has had struggles in the past and I’ve tried hard to support him. I’ve put a hell of a lot into this relationship. He can be, and often is, a fun and happy guy when he’s not under pressure.

Oh this makes me so sad. You have been taken advantage of and taken for granted so long that your standards are on the floor. At a bare minimum you should be able to count on your DH as a team mate and equal partner and here you are patiently accepting the odd bone he throws you when he deigns to be in a good enough mood to share some happiness with you and it sounds like these are only very small and occasional bones at that.

Please look very hard at your life now - you deserve so much more than this. Honestly PPs are right that without his stress and disrespect you life could be better. Open your mind to the possibility and viability of life without him.

You have every right to be angry. He's being very disrespectful.

It says a lot about how he thinks of you as the only parent with responsibility for the DC that he even considered this.

I dont know and this has made me so angry for you!! you are definitely not in the wrong here. hes being disrespectful and clearly doesn't care

He can come back a day early on his own. If he's afraid to travel without his mates, that's tough.

He’s an AH. YANBU. Good for you on standing your ground.

lol,

yeah he can’t ask you to take a day off to cover for his holidays…because, he doesn’t want to mess the lads around????

😳

No. no day off. No moving your work commitments. He has to not take that extra day because it is planned too late…and you can’t do it. As he agreed on last discussion, you have a strong leg to stand on and that is why he left…coz it isn’t going to be peaceful.

Maintain your no.

I wish they’d left the laughing emoticon!

Your DH is a dick.

Yes completely concur with you sincere soul

He sounds like a spoilt brat. He messed up. Your work is more important than an extra day for him.

I think given you’ve only been away twice alone, one of which doesn’t count due to being someone ill, and he had the nerve to call it a jolly, you should remind him this is his second trip in 2 months and he is thinking of another. I’d also remind him that you are only able to flex work because of your great boss and because you plan ahead and so no, you can’t dick people around because they want ti add a day. What a selfish idiot! Fuming on your behalf. Do not get pushed into agreeing @NotWashingTowelsDaily

Big hugs to you, OP.

How are things now? How will your h deal with his extra day of holiday?

You said in an earlier post that you had put a lot into this relationship. Has your h done the same?

Handhold/hugs for you @NotWashingTowelsDaily

The people pointing out that he has consciously or unconsciously blamed you for the restrictions in your family life have, I think, got it right and that perhaps counselling might help him unpick this error in his thinking.

Hope you get some resolution of his mis treatment of you one way or another.

And this is why you don’t just reply to the first message without reading at least the OPs subsequent messages.

Things have moved on.

Third option? Can this twit arrange the necessary childcare for you to be available to work on Monday. He obviously hasn't learned the lesson at all. Imagine if you had a job which was completely inflexible about random days off? What would he do then?

This....

Like hell would I be completely rearranging stuff AGAIN!

I'd also tell him I'd expect him to sort his mistake without being a bear with sore head...

I suspect if you do, he'll just expect you to do it continually..

"Ah you took another day off in Sept at shirt notice when I decided I was coming back on Monday last time '...

He sounds like a selfish arse OP.

Poor love cant miss out on one whole day can he?