To not accommodate DH holiday plans

[NotWashingTowelsDaily]

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

He’s a man child, whilst he’s gone back his bags

Point to the family calendar and tell him you cannot re schedule your work commitments as he has failed to write it down.

Then ask him to help arrange childcare for that day.

I have held on to my job through thick and thin, and I’m extremely lucky and grateful to my boss who is brilliant. She makes sure I have as much flex as I need and knows I don’t take the piss. Work keeps me sane frankly. I think that’s what has made me so cross and upset, it’s the absolute disregard for my job, my independence and the trust I’ve built with my boss to keep it all hanging together.

My worry, especially if you think he might be trying to sabotage your job, is that he will go and simply not come back on Sunday leaving you literally holding the baby on Monday morning. I think you need to make it crystal clear to him that if he pulls a stunt like that then you will be leaving the house extra early on random days in future to leave him in the lurch so he knows what it feels like.

I agree with everyone else. But, also, how often do you get to go away and leave him with the kids? I suspect I know the answer to this, but trying not to assume.

He doesn’t think your job or your love for it, are important. He is being massively disrespectful to you over this.

Apologies if I’m wrong but I suspect he’s moody and sulky if you don’t do as he asks? Do you have to pussyfoot around him so you don’t “provoke” his moods?

Even my DH, who is wonderful and does more than half the housework etc. has a blind spot for favours, relationship and the stuff women have to do to make the world turn. I would ask a friend for a childcare favour and he would see Krissy helping me. What he wouldn't see is that I balanced that with lifts, favours and help. So if he needed childcare, "ask Krissy". Well DH you haven't done anything to balance your favours. You're using my goodwill up with everyone for nothing.

Same with work. They are understanding to you because you are a great employee who works hard and tries to mitigate the flexibility. He does fuck all so should get fuck all. He's using up your goodwill on his shit planning and need to do whatever he wants whenever he likes.

He expects you to wave a magic wand and everything to fall into place around him. I think you've been unreasonable in the past for letting him get away with this caper and allowing his fixed, long, demanding etc work to be a lever to let all this happen.
You have a flexible but still demanding, probably long hours, job which is probably made more demanding because if you need to break off to juggle childcare, husbandcare etc then you can't get a good run at things.
He sorts out the extra day one way or another. Whether that is sticking to his original days that he agreed with you, or sourcing some sort of childcare so you can still meet your work commitments, is for him to work out and sort.
If I were a betting woman, I would be betting that he sticks his head in the sand and doesn't do a thing, leaving you stuck on that Monday. In which case, I would be packing the rest of his stuff and sending it to his mates. He clearly holds them in higher regard, so he can go to them.

Do you think you might be in an abusive relationship, OP? Thinking that your partner might be trying to sabotage your job is really not normal (not that you're not normal to think it given his behaviour, more that most people don't behave in ways that result in their partners wondering if this is what's going on!). He also sounds controlling.

Fucking outrageous behaviour on his part.

Twice in the last 2 years. One of those was an overnight stay after visiting my seriously ill DF in hospital as it was too far to go and get back in a day. I remember DH asking why I was staying overnight and turning it into ‘a jolly’.

Wow. Just wow.

Why do you stay with him? Do you feel trapped because of the family situation?

Okay, this is sounding worse and worse. I think you need to carefully consider your future with this pathetic excuse for a man.

You're there to facilitate his life, not have a life of your own.

You have to demonstrate with your actions how wrong he has it.

Including by asking him why he's taking out his anger on you, when he's the one who's got himself into this situation AFTER you already helped him out once.

Please listen to yourself. Please.

I was going to talk about it being inequitable, but this is utterly horrible.

This man is a dick who doesn’t respect you. It’s unlikely that this is isolated. Why are you tolerating any of this?

Speaks volumes that he’d rather upset you than his mates.

He doesn't respect you. He doesn't appreciate you. Going off your most recent update, he doesnt even like you.

How do you feel about him?

Be firm. 'I am not your personal emergency cover, and my job is as important as yours.' If you back down now, it will be forever. He will sulk, but he will have to get over it.

Can I ask, OP, do you get to take holidays with your friends while he stays home with the kids? Do you have a family holiday or is it just your DH off with his mates?

I have a friend whose OH takes at least 4 separate trips away every year with his mates but they haven’t had a holiday as a family for 5 years.

I’d be telling him that you cannot rearrange your work commitments to accommodate a last minute change to his holiday.

How is he still walking around?!?! How fucking rude and disrespectful!!!

Actually, visiting your DF is not on par with a lads holiday so don't even include that in your count!

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Sabotage is probably too strong a word on reflection. But I do think he finds my job an inconvenience, as opposed to me just being at home sorting family and house, and he struggles to see it as a priority.

@MrsTerryPratchett the thing about balancing and reciprocating favours is spot on.

I…I just….I just don’t know what to say to this. A fucking “jolly”?? I mean, where do you even start with someone who says something like this?

He has zero respect for you and just sees you as an adjunct to making his life easier.

That's so unfair of him, OP. He gets to walk out the door and you get to carry the slack.

I wouldn't sort out childcare. You're at work, and he knew that all along so it's HIS issue to solve and not yours.