To not accommodate DH holiday plans

[NotWashingTowelsDaily]

Long time MNer, name changed. I’ve just had a big argument resulting in DH slamming around and walking out. Trying to get perspective.

DH goes on holiday with a small group twice a year. He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute. He has a stressful job and set work hours. My job is more flexible but I do most of the child related stuff and juggling of both. Last time he did this sudden holiday announcement (June) I objected as it was massively inconvenient and after a tense ‘discussion’ we had a long talk about talking plans through together, shared responsibilities etc. He took this on board (I thought). He asked mates to move the holiday and they all re booked for end of August. Returning Sunday night. Dates agreed, written in home calendar and work diary. All good.

Except I’ve just been chatting about some meetings I’ve got on the Monday and he’s casually dropped that he’s taking an extra day off and won’t be back until Monday night. He can’t ‘mess his mates around again’ and I’ll have to cancel work commitments or take the day off. I have told him firmly that no, I’m not doing this. Full disclosure I’ll admit I’m cross (I haven’t shouted) and feel totally disrespected. He is absolutely fuming that I can’t be nice and I will ruin the holiday. Hence slamming on table and angry exit.

YABU - you could ask for emergency or parental leave, call in sick or something, no big deal. You usually make it work and it will spoil his holiday and really mess his mates around again if you don’t.

YANBU - His mistake, he should take it on the chin and either admit to his mates he’s messed up and change dates again or he doesn’t go.

Totally agree with the PP who said the point you have to make to him isn’t that he can’t go, it’s that he has to find a way to make it work that doesn’t involve you skipping your work. He can ring around babysitters, find an all-day camp that he can sign the kids up for, try a babysitting agency, ring the DC’s friends parents and beg them to cover with a promise he’ll take their kids for a day later in the summer to give them a week off, ask a relative, etc, etc. There are lots of possible solutions to this in between bin missing the holiday and you missing work. Instead of sulking, he needs to get into gear and find one.

I'd be worried about this too. I think you need a contingency plan - which you don't tell him about, obviously. I also think you need to book in a break of your own, and in future you take the same amount of time away, leaving him solo parenting, as he does leaving you, for each and every 'holiday'

How many times have you been on holiday this year and left him to juggle work with the kids?

He sounds utterly selfish and like a sulky teenager in his responses.

JFC! He is a selfish and utterly insensitive arsehole.

He's nto exactly a prince among men, is he? There are so many issues here, which others have pointed out.

But I just wanted to add that the fact that you have the flexible job and can therefore flex to meet emergencies as well as day to day life is brilliant.. but that sort of flexible job isn't supposed to also be so that he canabdicate all responsibility and just fuck off on holiday. I'm trying to imagine the chat with yorur boss "Sorry, i have to elave early because DH went on holiday without telling me." I mean, it's embarassing more than anything else.

Also, he knew it would be a problem. That's why he didn't tell you.

So he goes on holiday twice a year with his mates? That’s when I stopped having any time for him. But wait, not only that but he doesn’t speak to you about what’s actually convenient for you, with your job and childcare.

He’s a prize CF. There’s absolutely no way you are being unreasonable @NotWashingTowelsDaily . @

I have felt trapped in the past and then we rally round and crack on with things. All ok for a bit. I had thought we had a better understanding and a sense of being a partnership with the June conversation. But then this happens.

@NotWashingTowelsDaily OP, please hang onto jour job for your dear life.
It’s very difficult to find ones that fit in around the kids with additional kids.

As for your not so “D” H it’s truly shocking what he said when you were away to see to your ill father. Jolly,my arse. He should have been given both barrels for that.

Keep your job as if your H will FO one day when you’re already SAHM then you’re screwed.

You need to go into attack mode and tell him if he screws your job then you’re done and he can do 50/50. Empty threat but these types only do what are they suppose to when you have them by short and curlies.

He’s an adult and father and should behave like one.

Good luck 💐

You have a far bigger problem than this boys trip

Quite destabilising isn’t it.

He’s taking the mick big time - stand your ground.
It sounds like he’s having far too many holidays with his mates - what a nerve!!!

Don’t give in - he’s being selfish and ridiculous.

It's not what you asked in your OP, but I've got fixated upon the sheer brass neck of him taking so many holidays and leaving you to deal with the fallout. For every holiday he gets, you should get one. How is anything else remotely fair? Have you ever asked him that outright? What does he say in response?

If it was me, id be saying to him that you intend to take the same amount of holiday time for yourself as he does. And that you will be booking places to go away to by yourself.

If he dares to argue about that then ask him to explain why he has holidays but doesn't want you to.

To everyone who has said I should take more holidays - absolutely. And I’ve been putting it off, partly because all DC’s needs and all the planning that goes into appointments, traveling about, different settings, food etc which DD relies on.

That’s on me though, I should prioritise my personal time more than I do.

I think that most of us are now of the opinion that holidays are the least of your problems, OP.

And yes he got both barrels for the jolly hospital stay remark. I won’t ever forget that.

He sounds selfish and vile

Twice in the last 2 years. One of those was an overnight stay after visiting my seriously ill DF in hospital as it was too far to go and get back in a day. I remember DH asking why I was staying overnight and turning it into ‘a jolly’.

Bloody hell he's nasty!

So is he returning on the Sunday or not?

Because if he is & he has the Monday off what's the problem?

I disagree with your thread tile, you are in fact fully facilitating his holiday plans, up to sunday evening as agreed, he has too late added an extra day, so he can un add it and come home sunday night, he still gets his holiday, it's what not even a full 24 hours early ? I am obviously missing information about how this messes his friends about. There has to be no change to their plans, or is there? I am also missing how messing his friends about would rank higher as a bad thing , than messing your employer about and the people who you have work meetings with on Monday.

He’s taking an extra day off work because they want to stay for the Sunday night and travel back on the Monday.

He has form for booking with his mates then telling me with minimal notice, which means I have to flex to cover my job and DC’s needs at last minute.

This is deeply unattractive. You have to bend over backwards to accommodate his needs.

Quite!

He's being a selfish dick. This is the hill I would die on!

Nailed it

Oh, that’s vile. Beyond the pale.

It sounds as if he values his own time much more than he values yours, and he takes you for granted and expects you to solve any problems that he creates. All deeply unattractive and concerning.

Is he careless at work too? Or does he manage not to cock up dates there?

You need to get some holidays in your diary and bugger off a bit more!