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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - no card?

257 replies

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:22

Had my wedding last weekend - several friends didn’t even write us a nice card. I’m gutted and suddenly feel very unaware/naive about those friendships. 4 of these people I would have classed as close friends. Am I reading in to this? I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding without at least giving a card congratulating the couple? Isn’t that basic etiquette, let alone what you would do as the minimum for a friend? One of these friends I’m particularly gutted about as I’ve really been there when times were hard for her. Even bought her Christmas food shop and presents for her child when she had not a single penny. A decade of friendship and not even a card? I don’t even know what to think, or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
lotsofpatience · 05/08/2025 19:23

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TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/08/2025 19:25

I don't write cards to anyone, for anything, except the occasional sympathy card.

I don't think people do much in the way of sending cards nowadays.

If you'd enabled voting I think you'd have seen mostly YABU.

hmmnotreallysure · 05/08/2025 19:28

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👆 no need to be so rude!!!!!!

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:30

@lotsofpatiencecare to elaborate? How does that suggest I need to ‘grow up’? I’m trying to genuinely work out if it’s the norm. I genuinely thought that on a special occasion a card is what everyone would do. I’ve never attended a wedding and not written a card. Hence why I’m looking for perspective - just seems like manners to me?

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 05/08/2025 19:31

Did they arrange wedding presents for you from your wedding list? That's frequently done online these days and I believe usually arrives with a greeting note attached.

That's what happened at a big family wedding I was recently at. I did take a card, but not very many seemed to. I don't think it is expected now in the same way it used to be so wouldn't bother me.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:31

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOnethank you for your reply

OP posts:
Theeternalrocksbeneath · 05/08/2025 19:32

You don’t need to “grow up” at all OP.

I wouldn’t dream of attending a wedding without a gift, let alone a card. Quite apart from the fact that’s simple manners, if I’m attending the wedding of someone I care about, I want to give a card and gift!

I don’t blame you at all for being hurt. It’s rude and thoughtless to turn up empty handed. I know times are tough for a lot of people but a card costs pennies.

I hope you had a wonderful wedding day!

RH1234 · 05/08/2025 19:32

We don’t do cards, apart from for DDs friends (4 year olds - mainly to decipher the presents at parties).

We both feel is a environmental choice

hmmnotreallysure · 05/08/2025 19:32

I think this is rude op. I would be upset too.
I didn't even get a card from mil when dh and i got married which I was miffed about.
I wouldn't turn up to a wedding without a card and gift or money and if I was really skint then I'd bring a bottle of something as a gift but I'd still definitely get a card.

Dartmoorcheffy · 05/08/2025 19:33

I love to receive cards but its a dying thing. I haven't been given a birthday card for 5 years. People just don't do cards anymore.

DappledThings · 05/08/2025 19:33

I didn't notice if anyone didn't write me a card. We wrote down a lost of everyone who kindly gave us a present to send thank you cards but we didn't check that against the guest list to get all wound up about not getting a card.

Chill out. Cards don't mean the anything at all to lots of people.

Womblingmerrily · 05/08/2025 19:33

I think cards are becoming less commonly used now. I certainly have never written one when attending a wedding, but I have given a gift - without a card.

Surely you are happy to receive cards sent by people and understand that for others cards are not part of the way they congratulate/celebrate.

Is it not okay that people do things differently?

KitsyWitsy · 05/08/2025 19:34

When I get married, I also expect cards from everyone! I'm not a massive card senderer either but I do for weddings and sympathy! Wedding ones I put money in and my best wishes. I don't blame you for being hurt but a lot of people are thoughtless twats these days.

Wolfpa · 05/08/2025 19:34

Cards are a massive waste of trees I haven’t given any in over a decade.

did you have a gift list? Was anything purchased off it for you?

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:37

@Topseyt123we didn’t do a gift list or one of those poems you may see that ask for cash towards honeymoon. We’ve been living together for a while and genuinely don’t need anything, and we saved for our honeymoon alongside the wedding. We genuinely didn’t want anyone to feel obligated in terms of a gift. Just surprised about no well wishes/congratulations by a card! However maybe the lack of mentioning anything in our invite may be a reason why some people didn’t write a card. It’s actually all the people I would say that are closest to me! None of them were from my husband’s side

OP posts:
JustFeedMeCake · 05/08/2025 19:37

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Are you always so rude?!

PinkyFlamingo · 05/08/2025 19:38

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Thats so rude!

PinkyFlamingo · 05/08/2025 19:39

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/08/2025 19:25

I don't write cards to anyone, for anything, except the occasional sympathy card.

I don't think people do much in the way of sending cards nowadays.

If you'd enabled voting I think you'd have seen mostly YABU.

You really wouldn't even put money in a card as a wedding gift if you were invited to a wedding?

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:40

@Theeternalrocksbeneaththanks for this. This was what I had thought most people would think. I also wanted to get perspective on whether or not these people are actually the friends I thought. I don’t want to be naive and walked all over, as I’ve bent over backwards in a number of ways for some of these friends. It’s really taken me by surprise and I shook it off at first but it’s played on my mind. When I next see them it just feels a bit like an elephant in the room

OP posts:
Gollldddstar · 05/08/2025 19:41

I think your feelings are SO valid and I expect many people have felt similar after their wedding or a special occasion like the birth of their child etc. Even if your default is not to do cards month to month for birthdays etc. I think most people consider it basic etiquette to get a card for a special occasion like a loved one’s wedding and expect the same for themselves.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:41

@RH1234 yeah interestingly we never do birthday cards for each other but when I’ve attended their weddings as it’s a special occasion I have done alongside a gift/cash towards something signpost who it’s from.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:42

@hmmnotreallysurethis is the approach I would take too. Do I just make a mental note and move on?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 05/08/2025 19:42

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:40

@Theeternalrocksbeneaththanks for this. This was what I had thought most people would think. I also wanted to get perspective on whether or not these people are actually the friends I thought. I don’t want to be naive and walked all over, as I’ve bent over backwards in a number of ways for some of these friends. It’s really taken me by surprise and I shook it off at first but it’s played on my mind. When I next see them it just feels a bit like an elephant in the room

I think you're making a massive deal of nothing. There may be other things where you think your relationship with them is unequal and it's making you question things. But a card in and of itself is completely meaningless as a measure of how they value you.

Whattodo76 · 05/08/2025 19:43

I think its really rude to not even bother taking a card when someone invited me to their wedding.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:43

@DappledThingsi didn’t cross-check against a list 🤣 it was blatantly noticeable to me as two are my longest friends.

OP posts:
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