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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - no card?

257 replies

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:22

Had my wedding last weekend - several friends didn’t even write us a nice card. I’m gutted and suddenly feel very unaware/naive about those friendships. 4 of these people I would have classed as close friends. Am I reading in to this? I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding without at least giving a card congratulating the couple? Isn’t that basic etiquette, let alone what you would do as the minimum for a friend? One of these friends I’m particularly gutted about as I’ve really been there when times were hard for her. Even bought her Christmas food shop and presents for her child when she had not a single penny. A decade of friendship and not even a card? I don’t even know what to think, or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
Thanksman · 05/08/2025 21:40

I love cards and I would care too OP. 🌸🌸

TheChosenTwo · 05/08/2025 21:41

Im quite anti cards all year round except for birthdays when im seeing the person or they live in my house, weddings and sympathy cards.
Have never been to a wedding without taking a card because I always put cash in it.
I don’t think I’d notice who had and who hadn’t bought me a card though, I hardly think it’s the elephant in the room.
different matter if there had been a big drunken falling out and awkward drama but this is a bit dramatic over a card!

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:45

@AvidJadeShakerbut surely you think about the person when making a decision rather than what you prefer to receive? One friend I gifted cash to as she was doing up her house so I thought that was perhaps best suited, and another I bought a pizza toppings station as she loves to host using her pizza oven. But like a few have said on her most people don’t care for a card so wouldn’t think someone would want one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:46

@TheChosenTwohaven’t gone out of my way to notice. It’s just obvious as they are my closest friends.

OP posts:
myglowupera · 05/08/2025 21:46

@Inpaineveryday Did your friends post about your wedding on social media by any chance? Or text you about it afterwards?

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:47

Thank you for all the replies. I’m going to head to bed now and so won’t be replying further. I’ve been given varied responses and appreciate them 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:48

@myglowuperano and no, thinking about it. Does that make a difference?

OP posts:
CoralOP · 05/08/2025 21:49

I'm bloody baffled, it's absolutely standard to gift a gift at a wedding, how can you turn up to a wedding without a gift or card and not feel embarrassed turning up empty handed.
Fair enough if you don't think cards are a thing anymore but you don't turn up with nothing!

cheesycheesy · 05/08/2025 21:51

I thought it was standard to give a card and gift at a wedding. The audacity of some people.

Thanksman · 05/08/2025 21:54

CoralOP · 05/08/2025 21:49

I'm bloody baffled, it's absolutely standard to gift a gift at a wedding, how can you turn up to a wedding without a gift or card and not feel embarrassed turning up empty handed.
Fair enough if you don't think cards are a thing anymore but you don't turn up with nothing!

Edited

I’m as baffled as you!

Ap42 · 05/08/2025 22:01

I would also be upset by this. Getting married is a huge life event. To not have it marked with a card by your closest friends is hurtful.
I went to a friend's wedding 10 years ago, there were a few of us invited from uni. One of the girls didn't get the bride and groom so much as a card... her reasoning?! She'd spent £200 on her wedding outfit! People can be quite mean and thoughtless.

myglowupera · 05/08/2025 22:02

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:48

@myglowuperano and no, thinking about it. Does that make a difference?

I was just going to say it would be even worse if they did. Eg found time to post on social media but didn’t find time to write a card.
It’s really rude that they didn’t send you a card.

Lemniscate8 · 05/08/2025 22:06

cards are fast becoming obsolete- and quite right too - total waste of money, energy and resources.

You definitly dont give cards to people you are seeing face to face, these days, maybe send one to someone if you want to get in touch and dont ever see them in real life.

I think I send a maximun of 2 or 3 a year, one is to an elderly relative who still likes to get birthday cards, although no one else in the family ever sends or receives them since last century. I sent one to another elderly relative who moved into a nursing home hundreds of miles from me, - I think thats it this year.

Would never in a million years occur to me to bring a card to a wedding. AS I said, that "etiquette" died out last century

Sassybooklover · 05/08/2025 22:08

People can't be bothered with cards these days. It's something that a lot of people just don't do. I stopped sending out Christmas cards, mainly due to the extortionate cost of stamps, which end up costing more than the cards! However, I do still send birthday cards, and wouldn't dream of attending a wedding without giving a card and/or gift (regardless if a gift was asked for or not). To me it's basic manners, but not everyone would necessarily agree with that. Personally, I wouldn't allow the situation to destroy friendships, but you are justified in feeling disappointed.

CoralOP · 05/08/2025 22:09

Lemniscate8 · 05/08/2025 22:06

cards are fast becoming obsolete- and quite right too - total waste of money, energy and resources.

You definitly dont give cards to people you are seeing face to face, these days, maybe send one to someone if you want to get in touch and dont ever see them in real life.

I think I send a maximun of 2 or 3 a year, one is to an elderly relative who still likes to get birthday cards, although no one else in the family ever sends or receives them since last century. I sent one to another elderly relative who moved into a nursing home hundreds of miles from me, - I think thats it this year.

Would never in a million years occur to me to bring a card to a wedding. AS I said, that "etiquette" died out last century

But are you giving a gift? Fair enough not to take a card but you can't think it's OK to give nothing?

sweetpeaorchestra · 05/08/2025 22:10

I thought of it as a bonus if we got card/present from people at our wedding, not an expectation. It’s expensive going to weddings sometimes ! And just them being there is the main thing

CoralOP · 05/08/2025 22:13

sweetpeaorchestra · 05/08/2025 22:10

I thought of it as a bonus if we got card/present from people at our wedding, not an expectation. It’s expensive going to weddings sometimes ! And just them being there is the main thing

I'm genuinely curious, would you go to someone's wedding and not give them a gift or card?

Sahara123 · 05/08/2025 22:20

I rarely send cards to anyone these days, such a waste of resources. And the price of stamps is crazy . But then I’ve literally never written a “ heartfelt “ message in one to anyone, it’s just not my style. I’m not bothered about receiving them either, to me they feel like more of an obligation than anything.
Ive never given a wedding card, although I must say I’ve never been to a wedding that didn’t have a present list, so at least I’ve done that !

lollypop42 · 05/08/2025 22:21

i’d be upset too, that’s horrible

Radiatorsa · 05/08/2025 22:24

So basic to give a card and I think a small gift even when told nothing necessary.
Perhaps OP you give too much.
Match their energy.
Giving too much creates an imbalance that isn't healthy in any relationship.

Flamingoknees · 05/08/2025 22:26

You've had a lot of really odd answers OP. I can't believe people rock up to a wedding without a gift, never mind a card!! Very thoughtless.

MalcolmMoo · 05/08/2025 22:38

My friend just got married and we caught up the other day and so so so many people didn’t bring a card or a gift. I was so shocked as to me it’s basic wedding etiquette.

The grooms own brother gave no card or gift. One of the groomsmen gave no cats or gift. Several day guests who were close friends. I was so shocked by it.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 05/08/2025 22:38

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:21

@Bingbopboomboomboombopbaami take this point. We didn’t do a gift registry as I find it awkward listing things we’d have been happy with. Especially when you don’t need anything! We didn’t outright say no gifts we just didn’t mention anything at all. One person asked if we had a registry a while ago and I said no (not one of the people who didn’t give a card).

Okay, this changes things a little - so because you hadn’t mention gifts at all everyone just showed up… empty handed?

If no one had mentioned gifts then I would have presumed a card + cash gift.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 22:44

@Bingbopboomboomboombopbaamno not everyone. Just 5 people (5 of the 9 friends I invited). Everyone else who attended did bring a card or gift.
the only people who didn’t were people I invited funnily enough - hence the questioning going on in my mind!

OP posts:
saphiregemstone · 05/08/2025 22:44

@InpaineverydayCards are a funny one for me. Had you not made it clear you didn’t want a gift I might have given a physical gift and written who it was from on the wrapping paper, and wouldn’t have added a card.
If the gift were money then I would have used a card to put the money inside.

But to be honest if you said you didn’t want gifts I might very well not have sent a card either. Not because I don’t care, but just because I might have interpreted this as what was intended by no gifts and sort of lumped the two together.

That said I do do cards very occasionally when I want to transmit a personal heartfelt message, and so would write a card for my spouse or children’s significant birthdays or celebrations, but they are not yearly or for Christmas.