AIBU - no card?

[Inpaineveryday]

Had my wedding last weekend - several friends didn’t even write us a nice card. I’m gutted and suddenly feel very unaware/naive about those friendships. 4 of these people I would have classed as close friends. Am I reading in to this? I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding without at least giving a card congratulating the couple? Isn’t that basic etiquette, let alone what you would do as the minimum for a friend? One of these friends I’m particularly gutted about as I’ve really been there when times were hard for her. Even bought her Christmas food shop and presents for her child when she had not a single penny. A decade of friendship and not even a card? I don’t even know what to think, or am I just being sensitive?

Except you said it had ‘opened your eyes a bit’ and you were thinking you might need to ‘stop and think if it’s something’. People just haven’t done cards because they don’t believe in them for forgot them or god knows why. You don’t need to open your eyes or read into anything. If you have solid friendships then that’s what matters, not a few words in a card. Because to be honest, the mention of the fact you gifted generously makes it sound like actually, it is about the gift and the cash and the card is a red herring. And if it IS about the gift, then say that, because it’s okay to express that. But to reassess a fantastic friendship over a card seems a bit odd to me, personally

@thepariscrimefilesno it was 40 mins drive from
the area. One did pay for a hotel room elsewhere though in the end as our venue didn’t have enough. We had given them a room at first (paid for by us) but they said they didn’t need it as would share a taxi back home so we offered to someone else. Plans changed closer to the wedding though

It is an odd one. Card writing seems to by dying out a bit.

I always send my card/gift in advance of the wedding as I have heard of cards being stolen at weddings. At my brother's wedding the venue on the day told them that they could not have a post box thing for cards at the private venue. Myself and the best man ended up looking after multiple cards all evening.

There is also the etiquette in some places that guests can send a card/gift up to the first anniversary.

Hi OP, I would feel upset too and at the very least a card.
Did you receive gifts from them?

I think that's really rude, I'm a card person and I love picking out personal cards for people. I know a lot of people don't do cards these days but I think for a special occasion especially when you aren't giving a gift the least you could do is a card with a lovely handwritten message. I'd be quietly disappointed in those friends.

@OnePerkyReaderi would agree with you in Thai scenario but nothing like this is similar. However you could be right that it was simply forgotten and maybe the next time I see them one may be brought along.

Unfair and assumptious comment

Totally agree absolutely basic and I would feel upset about this too. Congratulations 💐🥂💐

Oh my word. The replies! I am very much a card person so totally get your being upset. It’s the least a friend should do. Maybe they aren’t card people but it doesn’t hurt any less. Congratulations on your marriage!

@Praying4Peaceno gifts but genuinely fine with that. We didn’t ask for any! I think this maybe heightens the disappointment in the lack of a card for me maybe?

I only give a card if it's a monetary gift in it. I would feel silly just giving a card, like how presumptious of me thinking anyone wants to read a card I have written (except close family). I hope I haven't offended anyone by this but it has never crossed my mind that someone would want a card.

I'd be surprised by this too, BUT....I suppose it depends on WHY you think they didn't give you a card. They don't care about you? They aren't really your friends? They were trying to have a personal dig at you?
If you can conclude that there was no particularly sinister motive, and these people are otherwise good friends, perhaps it's not something to dwell on for too long.

There's been a few posts recently with people being upset about not getting a card. I think it's safe to say that people just don't do cards anymore. Frankly, it's a Victorian thing that was started as a status flex (who can send the most witty elaborate card..), and was capitalised by the postal service and card shops.

Now people are more aware of being wasteful with paper, the ridiculous costs, and have better ways to communicate. It's not a slight. Culture has changed, as it always does.

I think I understand how you feel. When I got married I got no card or gift from one of my best friends. I never expected a lavish gift or anything but I had given her a very personal gift for her wedding a few years previously and it made me sad that my marriage wasn’t even acknowledged by her.

…in hindsight maybe she just really hated my gift and wondered why I didn’t get something off her list?!

Maybe your friends are like me? (See above). Please don't make any assumptions about how they feel about you just because they didn't give you a card. You've made me aware that some people do appreciate this gesture so I have taken note for the future. Thank you.

Do you think maybe the lack of well wishes was overcome by them attending your wedding and presumably congratulating and wishing you well there?

I got married a couple of weeks ago and got cards from my friends. We never send Christmas or birthday cards, just for one off occasions. I was pleasantly surprised tbh.

@OnePerkyReadergosh some people are so sceptical. I only mentioned I gifted at their wedding to highlight that when I attended theirs I acknowledged it with a card and gift, so to receive no acknowledgment on my own day in the form of a card took me by surprise! Couldn’t give two hoots about a gift. I’ve celebrated these girls on every occasion in their lives. And I’m not saying they haven’t celebrated me as such, as a card doesn’t do that I know, their attendance does. I brushed thoughts about this off at first but for some reason it’s niggling at me still, so I thought I’d see if my feelings would be shared/natural, or if I am being irrational in the disappointment/surprise.

@Hiptothisjiveyes this did occur to me too!

Agree with this 💯

I would never turn up to a wedding or special event without a card and gift (of what was affordable to us at the time). I thought it was basic etiquette?

Thst sounds quite logical to me. DH's family give each other Christmas cards in person which is completely weird to me. Christmas cards are for people I'm not seeing at Christmas. If I'm seeing them I can say Happy Christmas to them without needing a card.

So sending someone a card if I'm not going to their wedding makes more sense than if I am where I can give my congratulations in person.

@arcticpandasyeah like many in this thread have expressed we don’t do birthday and Christmas cards for each other typically. But special occasions like later graduating their degree after dropping out of the first years before, buying their first home, getting engaged, married, we’ve all been known to do. In fact, I recall two in particular giving cards at other friends of ours weddings. But there’s been no big events like these in a few years to be fair.

I always give cards for everything, but I very rarely receive cards these days. I think most people have stopped doing cards. I can understand with Christmas cards because it’s a bit empty and pointless, but for something like a Wedding they are a nice keep sake from the day and they used to be an opportunity for people to say something nice to the couple. I think it’s sad if that’s a trend that is disappearing.

I don’t think it necessarily reflects on your friendship.

@DappledThingsgood point!