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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - no card?

257 replies

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:22

Had my wedding last weekend - several friends didn’t even write us a nice card. I’m gutted and suddenly feel very unaware/naive about those friendships. 4 of these people I would have classed as close friends. Am I reading in to this? I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding without at least giving a card congratulating the couple? Isn’t that basic etiquette, let alone what you would do as the minimum for a friend? One of these friends I’m particularly gutted about as I’ve really been there when times were hard for her. Even bought her Christmas food shop and presents for her child when she had not a single penny. A decade of friendship and not even a card? I don’t even know what to think, or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:11

@lostmyearringsagaini have been starting to think that the fact we didn’t mention gifts in our invite might be why! And that’s ok as we didn’t want gifts. We have all we need and we saved for our honeymoon as part of our overall costs

OP posts:
CoralOP · 05/08/2025 21:11

Yes cards are being fazed out but it's disgusting to go to a wedding without a gift or card!
You don't show up empty handed even if the couple has said gifts aren't necessary. A card is an absolute minimum effort.

SheSpeaks · 05/08/2025 21:12

I have never given a card to anyone at a wedding.

I did not know there was any expectation I should bring a card and I’m not sure how bringing a card to such an event would even work.

Liliwen · 05/08/2025 21:13

SheSpeaks · 05/08/2025 21:12

I have never given a card to anyone at a wedding.

I did not know there was any expectation I should bring a card and I’m not sure how bringing a card to such an event would even work.

It works quite easily, you just bring it along with you.

have you given gifts at weddings you’ve been to? Or just turned up empty handed?

AvidJadeShaker · 05/08/2025 21:13

It wouldn’t bother me, my friends turning up to share my big day is worth more than a million cards.

PestoHoliday · 05/08/2025 21:17

10 years ago cards were still pretty common but in the last 5 or 6 years they've become something only older people do in my experience. I don't think I've had a card from someone under 30 in quite a while. My niece said only the relatives ver 45 gave her cards at her wedding.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:18

The veiled digs of ‘I would just be happy they came’ 🙄 I think we all know it’s not about the physical card. It’s the sentiment or thought it implies for the person in their life. It costs 99p for a card and is a minimal effort you should be able to expect from people supposedly closest to you and who you’ve certainly, and consistently done more for.

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regista · 05/08/2025 21:18

If I rolled up to any wedding, I would have a card/gift. The normal rule for me is to at least cover my cost, so I'd assume £50 for my meal, more if a free bar and likely buy a gift or voucher to around the value I have worked out. This would be for a wedding with no gift list and even where the couple said no gifts...For a friend whose wedding I couldn't attend, I met up after for coffee, got her a card and a little gift - a picture frame, so that she could have one of her wedding photos in it. It's just manners.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 05/08/2025 21:18

If no gifts/cash gift are required then honestly I’d just feel awkward bringing… a card? For what? They’ll be congratulating you in person.

Maybe they thought the same.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:19

@PestoHolidaythank you for this. We are all early 30s

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:21

@Bingbopboomboomboombopbaami take this point. We didn’t do a gift registry as I find it awkward listing things we’d have been happy with. Especially when you don’t need anything! We didn’t outright say no gifts we just didn’t mention anything at all. One person asked if we had a registry a while ago and I said no (not one of the people who didn’t give a card).

OP posts:
lostmyearringsagain · 05/08/2025 21:22

It’s entitled, assumptive of your friendship and generosity, and poor etiquette.

AvidJadeShaker · 05/08/2025 21:22

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:18

The veiled digs of ‘I would just be happy they came’ 🙄 I think we all know it’s not about the physical card. It’s the sentiment or thought it implies for the person in their life. It costs 99p for a card and is a minimal effort you should be able to expect from people supposedly closest to you and who you’ve certainly, and consistently done more for.

Is a 99p card really that important to you?
If it is why don’t you send 99p cards to your friends on their birthdays.

mumda · 05/08/2025 21:22

Does your married life's happiness stems from people writing you cards?

You should be getting on with enjoying being married.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:25

@AvidJadeShakeri think you can answer your own question. I’m following/commenting on the pattern of behaviours in my friendship group in general. Birthdays haven’t been done for years… special occasions we have. Just not my special occasion it seems and I can’t figure out why. I’m only human and can’t help but notice the difference. Jeez we went to a christening of one of their children a few months ago and they all took cards (as did I!)

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PestoHoliday · 05/08/2025 21:25

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:19

@PestoHolidaythank you for this. We are all early 30s

I hope you see this as a shift in social trends as opposed to them not caring. People can still love and value you without following the social mores that have changed.

I buy a few cards but I'm an old fart of mid 50s. My 19 year old DD hasn't sent one at all. That doesn't mean she doesn't love and value her friends.

SheSpeaks · 05/08/2025 21:26

Liliwen · 05/08/2025 21:13

It works quite easily, you just bring it along with you.

have you given gifts at weddings you’ve been to? Or just turned up empty handed?

Show quote history

I haven’t really brought gifts along with me in my hands on the day, no. But I’ve not been to many and clearly don’t know how they work.

what I mean is how do you hand it over? Isn’t everyone kind of busy, it’s not like they’ve usually got a handbag or something to put it in!

My DC have never been to a wedding, they would have no idea they were supposed to bring a card or a gift either.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:27

@mumda 🤣 absolutely nothing to do with the happiness of my marriage and you know it. I’m entitled to respond emotionally to something I observe 🙂

OP posts:
AvidJadeShaker · 05/08/2025 21:28

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:25

@AvidJadeShakeri think you can answer your own question. I’m following/commenting on the pattern of behaviours in my friendship group in general. Birthdays haven’t been done for years… special occasions we have. Just not my special occasion it seems and I can’t figure out why. I’m only human and can’t help but notice the difference. Jeez we went to a christening of one of their children a few months ago and they all took cards (as did I!)

Perhaps they don’t want to do cards anymore the same way lots of people don’t at Christmas, times change.

Viviennemary · 05/08/2025 21:30

Were they invited to your wedding. Of course they should have brought a gift and card.,

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:31

@AvidJadeShakerthat’s why I’ve begun this thread. To garner insight I might not have considered

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 21:32

@Viviennemaryyes all invited for the full day and attended

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RedRiverShore5 · 05/08/2025 21:34

I don't really send Christmas cards but I would take a wedding card and a gift.

MissHollysDolly · 05/08/2025 21:37

If I go to a wedding with no gift list it’s a card and champagne. Unless it’s a destination wedding in which case it’s a card and champagne delivered to their house afterwards. Congratulations on your big day.

AvidJadeShaker · 05/08/2025 21:37

Read up on the love language of gift giving, it sounds like you put more emphasis on cards than them. They still love you and wanted to share your big day.