My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

Is it possible they are just relieved to finally have their tiny house to themselves, and for their adult offspring to have fledged the nest about 10 years later than they might have expected?

Give it a while longer and they might start missing you a bit more.

Edited to add: it sound like you don't really like them very much, though, so the distance might suit both sides?

I am so baffled by parents like these. I am desperate to see my adult children. DS is moving away soon and I am determined to make as many trips as he can tolerate.
I understand them wanting more space. I do too. But that doesnt justify this level of disinterest.

Not all parents love their kids, or want them around when they stop being small and cute and pet-like (some don't even really want you when you're small and cute!). You're no longer a cute little doll who gets them attention for being a mummy or daddy, so you're of no use anymore (unless they can profit off you).

You probably out stayed your welcome, by at least 10 years, and your parents weren't able to even profit off you. I'd consider that your parents fault in attitude, not yours. I feel many parents wash their hands of responsibility for the human beings they forced into the world way too easily.

My mother is slightly more involved with me now that I've moved out than yours are with you, but only inasmuch as she wants someone to rant to / talk about herself to and enjoyed having me live with her for that reason. She never asks me about me, never did though.

I got married recently, mum invited to the wedding of course . Last minute, literally the week before, she started panicking about it and berating me about how we had nothing arranged properly. We had everything arranged, she just hadn't asked about it or given me any chance to talk about it to let her know that everything was arranged/what we had arranged. She didn't care about anything going on for me at all until the day was pretty much upon us. This did not surprise me, I know my mother too well.

You're not being unreasonable to find it upsetting, not at all, but in the kindest way... You're gonna have to get over it, because this is how it is.

What were they like when you were a kid? Were they interested then? Plus what was their relationship with their parents like?

Kindly, you are of a generation where parents controlled every aspect of their kids lives for the first time in UK history, there was little or no going out to play. Even if you did there was often a parent stood watching. Your generation has had little independence. So maybe youre feeling it a bit more than someone like me in their 50s did when they moved out for the first time.

How were they when you lived with them though? Were they interested in you then? I do think it's reasonable for parents to be quite happy that a 28 year old has left home! They're probably too busy having sex in the living room to talk to you.
give them some time to actually miss you.
And fill up your own life!

This.

My mum doesn't know the ins and outs of my life either, and shows no interest in the minutiae of who I'm friends with, and what my likes and dislikes are. Why would she? I'm 43, she's 75.

You need to start living your life OP, and give them some space to get on with theirs. I'm sure they'll be interested again if you get married or similar, but the relationship you seem to want with them is more like what you should have with friends, or a partner.

We only have your side of the story @itsallabitmuchx l wonder what your parents side would be?

What was your relationship like when you lived at home? Did you spend much time with them or did they do their thing and you yours? Have they shown interest in your personal life in the past or always been this way?

It could be that they've always been 'hands off' emotionally and shown little interest personally but perhaps you noticed it less because you were all in the same house and where some civilised interactions are usually required to live harmoniously.

If this is a change from how they were when you lived with them, then it could just be an adjustment period where they're maybe enjoying the novelty of an empty nest perhaps?

If they've always been this way, they're unlikely to ever change. And as hurtful as that might be, the best thing is to try and centre people in your life who do want to be around you and are interested in you and de-centre them.

If they weren't always this way, then could just be a temporary blip and you'll hopefully forge a new 'normal' that you're both happy with in the future.

My 80 -year-old mum shows deep interest in my life, my accomplishments, my likes and those of her grandchildren too. In return, I show interest in hers.
That's part of being a family, IMHO.

Op living at home for so long is part of the housing crisis. Many people are.

Ouch that’s hurtful! What were they like growing up? Were they interested and involved parents or actually have they been like this all along? It would be unusual to suddenly change behaviour just because you’ve moved out.

You’re allowed to acknowledge that you’re hurt by it, and you can allow yourself to have that conversation with them or put some boundaries in place to protect yourself. You could just let them get on with it and see if they contact you. Either they won’t, or they will start doing so.

I think you need to decide if you want to have a relationship with them as it is, knowing that that’s how it is, that you will be the one making contact, or just stop altogether, knowing that they probably won’t. I don’t mean going no contact, I just mean matching their energy.

You have to make your peace somehow and it’s knowing that they aren’t being the parents you wish you had. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s making a decision on if you want things to run as they are, or you stop. Either way is hurtful but you are taking control.

My parents are exactly like this OP. They are so proud of the fact they raised me to be independent. But really it’s just they have always been disinterested.

This, how poorly and derogatory you think of them is probably quite apparent to them. I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?)
Do you think they should feel grateful you've decided to accept them?

Depends on the family. OP's comments about her parents' personalities in her last paragraph don't exactly smack of a close bond.

OP is also not saying that her parents aren't interested in weddings and grandchildren, because those things aren't on the horizon yet, so she doesn't know.

The relationship OP seems to want sounds like one you'd have with your mates or partner, not parents.

I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

If anyone I knew spoke like this to their children I would assume they'd been taken away and swapped for pod people. Did your mum REALLY say this, OP?

They very generously supported you up to PHD level of education.

That’s so sad. Totally understand how it’s upsetting you. It is unusual to not even have visited where you live. Do they do much in life, do they go out or do they pretty much stay home a lot. Are they older or just stuck in their ways?

I do remember my own mum saying how her mum never called her, she always expected my mum to call her and to visit. She was only in her 60’s at this point so I don’t know why. We moved to a new house when I was 8, my nan was in it only once! She lived 10 min walk away.

There’s not much you can do, you’ve reached out and asked them round etc. Maybe for your own sake you would be better to just try and get on with your life. Accept this is what it’s gonny be like or it will just upset you more.

Neither mine nor DHs mums were interested in us. DHs mum wanted DH to do things for her but she didn’t know what he did for work or what he was interested/liked. Same when he was growing up, zero interest in what he was doing in school. Same with mine.
I have a teenager with ASD and I am desperately trying to make her more independent and have a life, because I love it when she comes back and tells me about it.

No I don’t think it’s normal to be not interested in your children even if they are grown.

From my understanding of the experience of submitting a PhD, it’s emotionally challenging and exhausting. I wonder what your experience was and if your parents found the experience impacted on them.

If it was emotionally challenging for you, and you were living at home, they would have been affected- worried and hopeful for you. Therefore they are having some RnR since you have successfully achieved being awarded the PhD. They are relieved all is well and they can have some down time now.

If my DS invited me for dinner, I would be there before the words were out of his mouth!
Can you build more interests with them? Even around TV. My mum loves gardening, I do not, but I try my best to take an interest.
Also, yes, they may want a bit of space for a while. Give them a chance to miss you.

Lady you are nearly 30. Be grateful they're not creepy interfering types.

Absolutely bizarre. Im sorry you have parents like this. I'll never understand how people can have no interest in their children.

I would stop reaching out altogether and keep their behaviour in mind for the oncoming decades.

Yes, they might be relieved to finally have you out, but that’s no excuse. I’m also looking forward to when my daughter moves out, but that doesn’t mean I want to stop seeing her or talking to her at all. I can’t wait to help her set up her dream place.

OP I really feel for you, this must be upsetting and hard. Your parents have made it clear they are not interested though, so I would put all your efforts now into finding or spending much more time with YOUR people. Spending your time with those who ARE interested and do want to see you, who will instigate conversation and make you feel loved and cared for. You will be much happier and may care less about your parents lack of interest.
Try to focus your mental energy on the people who make you feel good. Just because they are your parents it doesn't mean you have to see them and be in touch all the time, if it's making you feel shit.
Don't put pressure on yourself to be the one always making contact, and actually at least it means when you do see them it can be on your terms.

Of course YANBU but if they've always been like this then they aren't going to change at this stage.

It must be so painful, I'm so sorry.

Sounds very upsetting, OP, no wonder you feel hurt. 💐