My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

I left my parents house at 16 having had a great childhood, but just wanting independence.
My brother stayed until he was 30, and by this time my mum and brother’s relationship had really declined, but gradually improved again after he left. He basically outstayed his welcome.

I work hard to make sure my kids are brought up to be independent, as I definitely do not want to be living with adult children. They are probably just relieved about finally having some space again and wanting you to fend for yourself.

Why does she have to like her mother, the obsession with children liking their parents when those parents are lacking is really odd.

Yet she still expects to get something back?

@itsallabitmuchx hasn't posted again and yet you're still going on.

No wonder she hasn't tbh.

If you are reading OP take care of yourself.

It is the job of a parent to love and emotionally support their child. The OP's parents appeared to emotionally neglect their only child. This causes huge damage.

Why is this ok with people?

As I said earlier, if you have no concept of what emotional neglect from an emotionally immature parent looks like and the effects it has, bloody lucky you. However DO NOT try and make those who have suffered it feel guilty that they don't like their parents.

I wonder, as your lives are so different now, that she just doesn’t feel like you belong in the family in a sense that your achievements are beyond what they can imagine? People, even parents , can be fearful of that.

So live your own life and go out and do and become everything you wish. You have only yourself to please - your parents are not requiring anything from you.

You need to start to be the main influence in your own life. Don't let your mother rob any joy from your achievements.

Seek out similar people who share similar interests.
Isthere a film club? a book club? a cooking club? a garden club? a consrvation club? local to your new home?

Be kind to your parents. You don't need to be mean or behave in a way that you would despise.
You visit them, and your Aunts, when it suits. Bring a home made cake and share a cup of tea. They like simple.

After a few years of you launching yourself into the World I bet they begin anew adult relationship with you.

I work hard to make sure my kids are brought up to be independent, as I definitely do not want to be living with adult children. They are probably just relieved about finally having some space again and wanting you to fend for yourself.

But is that factoring the cost of living is only going to go up and depending on where you live it is now common in cities especially for grown up children unable to afford to leave home? Would you let them stay if they were in this position and working full time?

Some of us actually like our children’s company, as strange as it is for you to comprehend.

Some of us like our parents and appreciate them.

Wow. The more I’m on mumsnet the more I realise that it seems the majority of people on here have very bizarre relationships with their parents.

OP I agree with you - I think this is weird and would upset me too. I’m 34 and an only child (not that I think this matters - I know plenty of people with siblings who are the same) and my parents definitely have an interest in my life, know who my friends are, know all about my work and (vaguely) what I get up to on the weekend. Not every detail of course, but they know because they care about me. I see them about once a week (we also live about 20 mins away). I find this completely normal and would say my friends have similar relationships with their parents.

I think it's weird. My family (parents and siblings) are like this. Disinterested. They don't say "how are you" when you've not seen them in six months.

I have never done anything individually with dm. Not seen a film, gone for a meal. She never once asked me how my day had been as a dc. Just "oh you're back",

I used to think it was because they were from Yorkshire and that's what people were like there. But I'm not so sure now 🤣.

i couldn't fathom being like like with dd. We're always asking about her life, friends, work. We do nice things together all the time.

I'm sorry op, I hope they are just enjoying a bit of space and will come round soon.

I enjoy my children's company, but much more so now that I don't have to share living space with two other adults with their own lives, habits, timetables, levels of mess tolerance and everything else. I can enjoy going round to my DD's place for a meal, and not wonder how long she is going to leave the dirty pots and pans covering every surface in my kitchen, for example.

Most of my friends in their 50s/early 60s who have adult DC at home cannot wait for them to leave, and those whose DC have left after an extended period at home say their relationships are much better for not being in the same house and stuck in adult parent/teenage child mode.

But it sounds like the OP's relationship with her parents has other problems in addition to having possibly outstayed her welcome.

Indeed. This thread had me thinking of “My Brilliant Friend” where the mum is nasty and cold to the daughter because she’s mingling with educated people and it brings up a lot of resentment and shame.

Oh Angela.

Good for you. Is that even though it’s quite clear your parents don’t really like you? Or are disinterested?

Another spectacularly knobbish comment

@WestwardHo1 , You seem to have read a different OP to the one I read. Did you miss the bit where it said "my parents are just... shit."?

Mine aren't interested in me as a person either, I find it very sad. Even as a child, they weren't interested in what I liked or disliked unless it was something they had specifically 'pre-approved'. They wouldn't have a clue these days about what type of books I enjoy, my favourite film, music I like. The only thing they ever ask me is how work is (and how DH's work is) and since I only work two days a week in a fairly menial position, the conversation is usually very short. I can't ever imagine treating my own children like that, I know all about their likes and dislikes, what they enjoy doing, what they don't enjoy. Because I actually ask them questions.

My DM visited our new house three months (!) after we bought it, five minutes down the road, and presumably under duress as it was DD1s birthday. She sat in silence on the sofa and didn't make a single comment about the fact she was sitting in a new house. In contrast, my friends DM popped round, and spent ages in the garden with me, explaining about the different types of plants and how to care for them, asking what plans we had for the flooring, saying how nice the kitchen was. Basically, acting like a mother should. The contrast was incredibly depressing.

No I read the OP just like you did, and what I'm taking from the OP saying "my parents are just shit" is that they are two people who are shit parents. She is allowed an opinion of her own parents and I am 100% certain she knows them better than you do.

If your parents are anything like mine, this is your 'punishment' for 'abandoning them'...

🙄

If you read Deborah Orr's (amazing) memoir 'Motherwell', she had the same issue - she had to be the one to call, to visit, because she had 'done wrong' by daring to move away and get an independent life and an education...