My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

I can completely see this-mine are 19, 17 and 15 and still all at home; I love all of them & love spending time with them now they are older, games/ chats/ cooking / days out etc, but my god, I miss privacy/ alone time. Of course as they grow up, they stay up until the same times (whereas when they were little, I could at least grab an hour in the evening at least). The eldest I find particularly challenging as a fully grown adult, he of course can make his own decisions-but often these are at the detriment to how I want to live my life (cleanliness/eating habits/ contribution to housework/ washing etc)

Although I will miss them all terribly when they all fly the nest, I can't help but look forward to that chaptwr as well.

My parents would be like this. If I didn’t call them, I’d never hear from them. But would also somehow be controlling and judgy about my life from afar. Go and have fun without the oppression of your parents. Sure they will be there if you need them.

Sorry OP, that’s really hurtful. Try to reframe away from needing them, hard but probably helpful long term

My parents are quite like OP’s parents (just the odd 👍 on WhatsApps about their grandchildren for example) and I hope I will be far more like you! I just don’t understand the lack of interest.

My mum doesn’t care either but my dad is brilliant. I have struggled with it at times but then I gave up and only speak to her with small talk.

A parent's job involves more than bringing you into the world and bringing you up. It's the bare minimum.

A person is allowed to form opinions about the type of people their parents are.

The OP is clear she wants some kind of relationship with her parents, but it seems they don't want to know. How can that be anything other than hurtful?

I grew up in a world where children left home at eighteen and, as often as not, went to live on the other side of the world, so I was psychologically prepared for that to happen. So I think my dd was a bit like you, thinking I was terribly unfeeling

It’s hard when your adult dc move out to judge the amount of space to give them but usually it’s the other way around in my experience. I didn’t want to intrude but missed (still do miss) them. Calls were precious but again careful not to overstep, genuinely interested in what they are up to and love an invitation to spend time with them.
I wonder if they are trying to let you make your own way but making you feel slightly abandoned by being too cautious.

I’m sorry that you aren’t getting what you need from them.

@itsallabitmuchx Am sorry this upsets you and I totally get that. But you lived with your parents when doing your PhD so surely this is one of their ways of showing love or care.
While I get your need for them you also need to consider other explainers rather than they don't care about me. Read your op here:

very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?).

May be they don't understand you and your life as much as you don't understand them? May be they are depressed (you say their depressing ways which sounds like you look down on their lives) rather than choosing "depressing ways of living"
May be they are life-exhausted, burnt out?
May be they are like me who finds in person chats ok but at a distance, I tend to avoid so people think don't care (texting, phone calls I just find difficult as means of maintaining a relationship).
If you want a positive relationship with them you may have to accept that you will do the yardwork; the calls, the visits etc. And do them gladly without an expectation of reciprocation. But you also have to learn to find positives in them so that they feel valued and don't see the smirk on your face or hear the contempt in your voice feel you look down on them

28 is not 'old' to be moving out, I think the average age for leaving home is mid thirties now and understandably with the price of renting let alone buying your own home! I think the OP is probably regretting ever posting on here, for some strange reason people seem to be projecting their own shitty parents' reactions into the situation and saying get over it, I'm not sure how being so cold towards the OP who is clearly bothered by her parent's lack of interest in her life is a justified response. I have an only child and intend to remain very involved and loving regardless of her age or circumstances, this sounds painful for the OP. Hopefully this is a temporary blip from the parents and they'll realise what they're missing and start making some more effort and being proud of your achievements, you sound perfectly well adjusted despite the parents attitude so well done to you!

My parents were like this - especially my mum - when I moved out at 16! Totally uninterested. They went on a big holiday to the other side of the world whilst I was struggling to afford to eat. Unfortunately my parents being of the generation who were children during world war 2 (pre-boomers so the Silent generation) had a typical viewpoint that your kids are adults at 14 and parenting stops completely at 16. My mum still vehemently stands by this.
If you look closely at social culture back in the 40s & 50s, children were broadly considered pseudo-adults at 13/14. That was pretty normal. However, 13/14yr olds were considerably more mature, responsible and articulate than my generation ever were at that age, let alone the current generation!
Hopefully this goes some way to explaining it if your parents are of that age group, OP? (Born 1940s/early 50s)

You don't speak for me or any of my friends, and I'm in my seventies.

Obviously we weren't on the phone all the time as it's possible to be now, but my widowed father was very supportive of everything I did, whether it was staying with him or working abroad, and was always pleased to see me.

We were very independent but I would say had a good and loving relationship with parents, albeit not as demonstrative as nowadays, and certainly visited more than twice a year.

YANBU. Sadly you can't change them, just build your own life with people in it who care about you.

Congratulations on your PhD.

It's hard for you because of your very extended childhood (leaving home for the first time at 28), which is making your adjustment to independence more fraught than it may have been had you left at an earlier age.

As for your parents, they are probably hugely relieved that they finally have their house and their world to themselves. They would now see putting a decent distance between themselves and you as an important step for all parties concerned.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s really hard having crap parents, especially when other people talk happily about their family relationships. It’s as if most of your friends have won the lottery and assume that’s just normal, while you are scrabbling for change. It makes life harder and it feels unfair. Or like you don’t deserve their happiness, which of course you do.

Please look after yourself and work on coming to terms with this. Plus, if you have children one day, work to break the chain. I love The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read for that, it helped me come to terms with some of the crapness I had experienced and do things differently for my children.

I’m 28 and this isn’t my experience. My sister and I were let out in the morning to play wout all the other kids on our street and when the lamp posts turned on my mum called us in for a bath. We even had to have our sandwich at lunchtime on the step didn’t even go in the house then 🤣

This is really sad that they show no interest in your life at all. I suppose they feel they did their bit by supporting you through your studies. I can't imagine not wanting to be a part of my adult DC lives.

I suppose my question was more about the phrasing. I know some pretty dreadful mums, and I'm sorry yours was one of them. But the actual wording just made me wonder if it came filtered through the perspective of a much younger person.

What was your childhood like? Have they always been distant and disinterested in you? I'd find it odd that normal loving parents, would decide that now you're an adult to suddenly become disinterested in you. However, if they've always behaved like this, then yes, I can see that just because you're an adult they feel their job is now finished. Were you a wanted baby? Or a mishap? Your requests from them aren't unusual and you're definitely not being 'needy'. Most parents (regardless of they have 1 child or 5) are interested in their children's lives, even once they become adults and have families of their own. Your parents attitude is bizarre are most definitely not normal. You can't make your parents be the parents you want them to be. Sadly, that's not going to happen, no matter how many times you invite them over. You can probably now see clearly what your parents are like, and how they are going to be going forward. I'd step back. Stop inviting them over. Stop calling them. They've made their position clear, they aren't interested in your life, where you're living, who your friends are or even if you have a partner. You also know what to do in the future when they're elderly and suddenly need you! You can show the same interest in them, as they have you. If it means you don't hear from your parents from one year to the next, then so be it, it's their choice. Yes, it's hurtful and yes you have every right to feel rejected. You can't control their behaviour but you can control your own reactions to it. Going forward, if you eventually did have children, get married, they'd show the same interest in their grandchildren as they have you.

First post nails it.

My mother took the view that once we (her children) had left home, it was up to us to maintain the level of contact that we each wanted, not up to her to enforce something we didn't want or need as adults living our own independent lives.

My mum & dad were of this generation (born 1938 & 1940) and were absolutely NOTHING like this. My mum always said 'My girls will have every opportunity that I didn't have'- she was so clever but didn't get to go to university, married (happily her whole life thankfully) at 17, child by 18. She was a phenomenal person & her legacy lives on in a line of strong, supported women.

My aunts & uncles & all my cousins have had similar lives (I'm the youngest cousin at 53).

Some parents, no matter the era, are pretty shit. I'm sorry yours were.

Thank you for all the comments here.

Some extra info to clarify:

Growing up they did the basics, but I always felt like I was a problem. I was a really 'good' child - tried so hard at school never in trouble, generally quite people pleasing and always appeared happy and smiley (from what I have been told by other adults who knew me then!). I was something they had to provide for and they didn't have the money (my dad, a factory worker earning min. wage and my mum, has never worked - no qualifications even at GCSE, no desire to get an entry level job).

For those suggesting I may look down on my parents, it's because I do feel a lot of resentment towards how they treated me as a teenager. I had to practically beg my mum to pick me up from school when needed, and I had to ask for weeks for £10 to get a new top (I had barely anything growing up and was embarrassed by this). I acknowledged my dad was so hardworking (and continued to be at 65) but my mum is lazy, apathetic, negative, miserable and resentful of the world. She doesn't understand why I would ever pay for a gym membership (waste of money) - when I go 5 times a week, why I would ever travel 20 minutes to a (slightly nicer) cinema when there is one 10 minutes away. Her life has been watching TV all day, making dinner for when my dad comes home, and letting life pass her by.

I knew early on that if I were to make something of myself (..better wording would be to have a more 'meaningful' life) I would have to work so hard and I did. I got on a PhD as young as I could, and made a lot of sacrifices in order to do this (living with my parents who I knew didn't really want me there and viewed me as a burden - I literally didn't have a choice - I earned £1000 a month and had to pay for everything else (food, other DD's, petrol, car, etc) and use credit cards etc.

I know who they are and the fact they wont change and I know I need to get over this and accept it for what it is. The issue is that.. I cant. Despite everything I really want a relationship with them and I feel very lonely (a deep sense of rejection and disconnect). My Mum has 4 sisters with whom are very close. They are all co-dependent and live similar lives and so my mum connects with them so her needs are met in that sense, and I am left feeling forgotten about and uncared for.

I have friends, all of who's parents actually care about them. They go for coffee together, have catch up's on the phone or may go shopping together.

Also, YES, my mum did actually say those words. re. being needy. The EXACT words. This is how she speaks to me. She literally hates me.

I've done my absolutely best to do well in life and I feel so rejected and unhappy.

My parents are the opposite! I'm the youngest of three and lets just say my brothers had very different upbringings. By the time it came to me they just didn't care. Had no interest in what I was doing, who my friends were etc. Absolutely no affection either, I can't remember a single hug from either parent. I've long since flown the nest and they're upset I moved so far away and rarely visit/ speak to them. As far as I'm concerned the bond was never there so why try and build it now? We see them once a year as a sort of check and for them to see the grandkids. The lasting effect is I am rubbish at chatting about myself to this day. I automatically assume noone will be interested in me or what's going on my life. I have plenty of very close friends (whom I lovingly refer to as my urban family) and I'm learning to overcome but I'm sure I come across as a closed book sometimes. Sometimes you have to realise who is actually there for you and who really matters. For me it's my husband, children, in-laws, and my urban family. Sadly not the ones who raised me.

I agree. It's very odd how many empathy free people seem to comment here. Such weird takes on relationships and what it fundamentally is to be human.

OP your feelings are perfectly understandable, I would feel the same. It's hurtful that they don't seem to want a relationship with you as an independent adult and aren't prepared to put any effort into knowing you. Their mindset is unusual (though seemingly not that unusual from the comments...) and goes against the basic innate human need for connection. It reflects on them though, and not you.