My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

What a very hostile and pointless observation.

I can't really vote either way, but did they seem not interested in you when you were younger?

When DD1 went to university, I found how much to contact her quite tricky. One the one hand I wanted her to spread her wings, be independent, find her social group, get familiar with the course and the environment there. On the other hand I wanted to show ongoing support, interest in what she is doing, let her know what is happening at home and for her not to feel lonely or unsupported. I'm not sure I get that balance right, or not all the time anyway. You are well past that stage and the ultimate goal of parenting, if your kids are capable of it, is for them to be independent of you and make their own way in the world and so your parents are tipping far more to the independence side though perhaps this is too much for you at the moment.

You say your parents don't do much but do you ever try to connect with them and show interest in them as individuals? Even just down to talking about a TV programme you may have both watched. Perhaps you can find ways to bond with them, even if ostensibly they are really different. Do you think there may be other reasons why they don't connect- they are unhappy in their own relationship or work perhaps, or stressed about that?

You sound like a terrible snob OP. Perhaps they just feel disconnected from you because of your judgemental attitude..

I think if they had seriously expected an 18 year old to have flown the coop in this day and age, it's THEIR expectations that are out of sync with modern day life.

I do agree though that OP has probably outstayed her welcome and the hands-off approach will hopefully only be temporary.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

Some tough talk now.

I agree with PPs - you outstayed your welcome and got kind of stuck in dependent student mode til nearly 30.

When men do this, they are criticised here.

Most people have flown the nest by now and left their parents to become themselves. They must have been so relieved to be finally given that time.

I think you will both continue to evolve and they'll find absence makes the heart grow fonder and you'll evolve into the adult version of you that was put on hold for a decade.

It's possible though that it won't ... And you'll realise they were just not the interested nurturing parents all along and it has only now become apparent. Which is a shame, but what you need to do now is grow up.

Work, develop non academic interests and hobbies, step away from the studies, form friendships, relationships, get experiences outside the outgrown nest.

Become a person who isn't still playing the needy child, and develop the adult/adult version of your relationship with them.

It's hard, but it's essential.

I’m so sorry this sounds very very sad. I think you need counselling. When I accepted my dad was never going to change and the relationship I wanted with him was never coming my life got better and actually our relationship improved. It’s hard when parents aren’t what you need.

Why? She writes beautifully.

Who hurt you?

Such a shitty comment. Do you get a kick from beating someone when they're down. What a horrid person you are. No doubt you have a horrid life.

OP I was going to congratulate you for your PhD but now I feel even more moved to do so. Well done!! What an achievement.

There are the usual try-hard contrary comments on here. Of course it’s normal to be interested in your adult children. My kids are early 20s and I don’t have a single friend who isn’t really interested in their adult child’s life. Not in a micromanaging way, but a genuine loving and interested way.

Wanting your kids to move out of your home is fine, I feel the same way at times too. but when they eventually move out, I will be really interested in their lives. I know I will want to hear about their childhood friends, how they are coping in their new jobs, what their flatmates are like etc. I am really close to my kids and I’m sure they will pop over to see me and I will visit them. We will keep in touch via WhatsApp and hope to always be a close part of their lives.

I don’t recognise this kind of parenting I read about here. Where it’s fine for your kids to move out and then to become like virtual strangers. I’m glad that’s not my experience!

Anyway OP, you can’t choose your parents. I am not close to my parents. I don’t tell them anything about my life, I see them out of duty but we have dull conversations about the weather and politics. I don’t think your parents will change. I am in my 50s and mine never did. Well, it’s their loss and I now have the opposite relationship with my children, which is kind of healing actually. My parents have missed out on a rich relationship with their adult kids. I won’t make the same mistake, and I am sure you won’t either. It is hurtful and I am sorry x

Ah love, this PP is right, as soon as you can look into counselling. Build your own life & find people who support you & make you happy. If you were my daughter I'd love you to pieces (I have 3 sons I adore). You've done so well: now fly ❤️

Posters saying "you've overstayed by a decade" are being absurd. You seriously expect your children to move out at 18! Mine are welcome to stay as long as they like. It will always be their home.

Do you feel better now? Happy and content people don’t post like this.

That's tough @itsallabitmuchx and no wonder you feel how you feel. Unfortunately, I doubt very much they are going to change now. It's quite disheartening to hear about how other families are and that you feel so lonely. I would have to find a way to forge out your own life without even thinking about them but it must cut to your very soul to have grown up like this and now as a fully functioning adult they still have zero interest. You don't understand it and neither do I.

Btw, you mention a sister ("food, other dds") etc. Is she treated the same?

Same. They drive me up the wall at times, but this is their home and they are always welcome. I will do my best to get them to move out soon though. ;-)

OP how’s your relationship with your dad? He sounds the most likely to be able to offer you some emotional comfort but I wonder if your mother gate-keeps him to some degree?

My advice to you would be to build the family you wish you had away from your parents. Try and cultivate a network of friends and hopefully loved ones - boyfriend/husband and one day your own children and then you can break the generation legacy yourself. If you are really lucky you might be able to find a warm and kind MIL who might take you under her wing and give you the nurturing you missed out on.

Exactly this.

It strikes me the relationship on both sides isn't brilliant.

I'm sorry op it's truly shit. I'm sorry you're getting some mean comments too. I just don't think others can comprehend.
I think you need to agree what level of contact you want with them. I won't lie it will always hurt. So sometimes the kindest thing you can do is put yourself first and limit or cut contact. Have no expectations on them at all. Find your support network that love you.

I would also suggest some counselling because often with disinterested/toxic/emotionally immature parents we can become magnets for other toxic relationships where we don't have that healthy normal to compare. We can recreate the chasing we did for affection/approval in other relationships. So please protect yourself and invest in becoming the healthiest best version of you. It's their loss.

I assumed dds referred to direct debits.

When I read your post, @itsallabitmuchx , I wondered what else had been going on for you over the last several years.

The fact that you have been living with them until your late 20s suggests there may have been some difficulties in your life and that your parents may have had cause to worry about you more than usual.

The reason why I ask about this is that, if your parents have had cause to worry about you over a very long time (eg possible loneliness, a 'failure to launch', etc) this might have caused a kind of self-protective aloofness in response to prolonged anxiety.

My older son had terrible, traumatic difficulties (and eventually died) and I am very aware that whenever I think about my surviving son (who is an adult and living a long way from home) I feel crippled with anxiety. My contacts with him, such as phone calls, etc, triggers this anxiety and I consequently feel quite ambivalent about these contacts. The point is, it's not because I don't care, its because caring has become painful.

I do make contact and visit, etc, but not as often as I feel I should, and not joyfully, as I feel I should.

Could your parents feel a love for you that is associated with any kind of trauma or prolonged anxiety? Could they be struggling with a love that is raw? Could they be creating a semi-dysfunctional distance as a way of protecting themselves (and perhaps, in their mind, you)?

EDITED TO ADD: I cross-posted with your update. Lots of what I said may be irrelevant - unless perhaps one or both of your parents have been shaped by a trauma that precedes their raising of you?

This sounds awful but your update makes it hard to sympathise with you as you are so condescending about your mum, her life and her lack of education, it’s difficult to read for me and not start questioning how do you come across to your parents.

On the other hand it sounds like you have a lot of trauma from growing up in poverty and you maybe would benefit from some therapy. Your parents don’t sound the ideal loving parents we all want, but they have subsidised you for the last 8 years while you’ve pursued you higher education and that does show they care. Without their support you may not have accomplished all you have.

Sometimes we just have to accept people for who they are. They won’t change but you need to decide if you can accept the relationship as is, or if it would be better for you to stop seeing them as their indifference is obviously very hurtful to you.

You've grown up and away from them, with your PHD compared with their 'mind numbing tv' and possibly make them uncomfortable and looked down on in their own home. It's not uncommon. Sometimes it's because the adult DC really does feel superior to their parents with their smaller less intellectual lives and interests. Sometimes it's the parents projecting because they're insecure. Either way, it doesn't make for a very comfortable experience. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion they don't love you or care about you. They may simply no longer know how to relate to you. Perhaps it could help to meet them where they are? So go home to them for visits? Watch the TV and chat about that with them?

Quite a few grammatical errors for someone who looks down on her mother. My father left school at 14 with no qualifications but I never looked down on him.

This is so sad. But everything you've written is so familiar to me too.

You need to accept that your parents are who they are - why would they change and think to show interest in your life? They never have. They must be very limited and their comfort lies in being around people who are the same as them. It's a very non-challenging way to live. You're different. You think differently and you want more from life - but you won't get more from them. They either don't want it or simply can't be any different.

Build your own tribe of people who are like-minded. Do not torment yourself with wishing your parents were completely different personalities. It's an impossible situation.