My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

Neither do mine. I have detached myself now. I even visited once on my birthday and deliberately didn't mention it. They didn't even say happy birthday!

I'm so sorry, that sounds really hurtful.

Yes there are 2 sides to a story, but to say that to a child, even an adult one is so painful.

I don't have the best relationship with my parents either. I'm in the process of divorce and they aren't offering any support. I don't mean like childcare or meals, I know them well enough not to expect that, but some emotional support would have been nice.

They haven't been up to visit in months, but seem to expect me to pack up everything with the kids and visit them, even though my Dad doesn't show much interest in the kids, expects them to sit quietly and watch TV with him, sports that they have no interest in etc so they get bored and fidgety.

My Mum maintains she is always thinking of us, but can go a month without texting me if I don't ring/text them.

No matter what age you are, being rejected by your parents hurts, I'm 44 and it still hurts

OP, I am probably your parents' age and they are probably just replicating their own experience when young. The idea of a close relationship with parents was completely alien, and most of us begrudged the parental pressure for a weekly phone call/letter. We saw them a couple of times a year - that was normal.

I know times have changed, but your parents may be worried about seeming too clingy. Or, the fact you lived at home for far longer than they might have expected, may just mean that they feel everyone needs a bit of a breather. Concentrate on your new house, and your friends, and the parental thing will resolve itself eventually.

Some of these comments are appalling.

MN is a strange place. Almost as if it's being used to influence new societal norms. The current one being to hollow out the family unit from the core.

We aren't wild animals that kick our offspring out into the world and forget they exist. We (well, most of us) are human beings who want close bonds with family.

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling this rejection. It may take a little time for the novelty to wear off for your parents. Try to focus on the positive aspects of your new home life xx

I think you probably massively overstayed your welcome. 28 is pretty old to be leaving home. I'm betting if we asked your parents, you were possibly not the easiest adult child to live with.

I've been there, done that. It takes a while to decompress and restabilise relationships which have been troublesome/difficult.

It s hurtful, OP - my parents show the same disinterest. Mine are also embarrassed by my PhD (pretentious qualification) and job (also pretentious).

I left when i was 18, to uni and then moved abroad.

Meanwhile, they dote on my DB (who lived eith them til he was past 30) and his family. Seeing how their behaviour with them vs with us (including their DGC) is day and night is painful - but hoping for change is not constructive, so it s best to take whatever can be enjoyed, and leave the nastier stuff at the door.

i make multiple mental notes re how i need to parent DDs that way once they reach adulthood based on these interactions.

I agree - but these posts always invite a number of older parents who clearly don't give much of a shit about their own offspring and project all over these threads.

My parents have never been interested in me either and it does hurt. I was kicked out of home at 18 - my siblings weren't - and had to fend for myself. I've still got letters I wrote to my mum at that time asking why she never rang me and seemed to have totally forgotten about me. It was really hard, not least from a financial perspective. Now I am 50, it still hurts tbh. Some parents are just a bit shit.

I honestly hope you don't have any children- you are an awful person.

Some fairly harsh comments on here. Sympathy as I am in the dead Mum disinterested Dad club - if I don't phone him I could go months without contact and now his health is worsening all visits are organised by me. This sucks when you see people out and about doing fun things with their relations and yours don't even acknowledge birthdays.

Parents can't win on here 😂

I think you can see both sides from your OP. You view your parents and their lifestyle with disdain but expect them to show interest in you. I have a much closer relationship with my Mum but she started pushing me to move out at 18 and I had left by 20, she isn't a hands on Grandparent. Whereas you lived at home until much later. Do you show an interest in your parents lives? Maybe ask your Mum to do something as a shared interest or hobby? I think once you reach adulthood you need to form a real friendship with your parents to continue a closd bond rather than expecting your parents to treat you as the main character. Try to find a common interest with them.

I'm an only child OP and have empathy for you. It can be lonely even with supportive parents.

Though I do remember my partner's brother didn't leave home until he was 29 and they were so relieved. And barely see their adult children now because they can't be bothered (we always have to go to them)

I would focus on building your own life and making it as full as possible. Ask yourself have they always been like this? Was it just proximity of being at home with them? They sound like they have quite a small world and perhaps just have their little routine. Sadly some parents are just apathetic.

I love my mum and she loves me, but we don't need any more than a catch up phone call every few months. It would be stifling for both sides if we knew every detail of each other's life, and we'd both need a good long break from each other if we'd shared in a tiny house as adults. This isn't a personality failing, though OP seems to regard her parents as boring saddos, which perhaps they've picked up on. My mum is far from a boring saddo.

I am generally often on the side of parents housing their young for far longer than they intended to, but come on, 4 dinner invites ignored?

I'm exhausted by my adult children and can't wait for them to fly the nest and move out - i'm not going to lie, and none of them are doing a PHD (which is stressful I know), and they all work full time. The constant coming and going, not knowing who is in, who is out, who is eating, whose clothes are whose, the dramas. It's different in my day, I couldn't wait to leave home but now younger people can't afford to move out.

I will however keep supporting them, keep in touch, pop round, always have an open door, babysit, make them meals, help them anyway I can...............but I do crave my own space and my freedom back, and the constant thinking I have to do, I don't switch off and can't relax.

I do love my kids, i'm just tired - and I know I am going to get backlash for this but it is how i feel

A couple choose each other and that connection can result in children. I adore DS but due to the cost of living he is still at home though he is spending a lot of time at his newish GF house and it has been great it’s a very different dynamic and we are a couple again.

Obviously what your parents are doing is extreme though and I can understand why you are hurt.

Are your parents well educated? I had two colleagues both academics, neither set of parents were impressed. One had a Dad who had worked in a factory all his life and thought my colleague had got up himself and the other was the son of a Farmer who viewed academia as self indulgent and not a real job, never get ting your hands dirty. He left his farm when he died to his other son worth a few million.

You have my sympathy, OP, mine are largely the same. They're there in an emergency/if there's a problem or if I make the effort but there is generally very little effort in return. On a day to day basis I can go weeks without speaking to them, because they'd never instigate contact.

It wasn't a lot different when I was a child - I think they found children tiring and hard work, and maybe they'd rather have been doing something else. I often felt that I was something of an inconvenience.

It hurts to see my friends with their families, and wishing we could be like that. But we're not and it's how it is I suppose. I keep meaning to have some therapy to deal with it properly.

This is ridiculous. I'm 53 & had the most wonderful, attentive, kind mother. When I moved out (age 22) she was round often, called, we went out for lunch/ shopping, & I visited regularly. I was the youngest of 5 as well, & she treated us all the same. She was also the most amazing grandmother. My father was similar, although less chatty, very hands on.

Just because you had hands- off, possibly cold, parents doesn't mean everyone had! The OP is justifiably upset, stop being a dick.

very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?
is a mean thing to say about the people who have brought you into this world, brought you up, and housed you to the age of 28.

That's fine. I have a DD with a disability and I can't wait for her to able to afford to move out. It will mean my job is done.
But you and I both intend to pop around and stay interested! So not the same.

Oh give over. If you have a hands-off relationship with your mum and that works for both of you that’s fine, but it’s totally normal for parents and children to be close and have an interest in each other’s lives, including as adults.

But that's absolutely fine! It's completely understandable to want your own space from your adult kids. You've done loads - you're a good mum! Just cutting them off without a word and showing zero interest in their lives is something else entirely.

I'm really nice, and my DC are too.
My parents did their best for me and my siblings, and I am grateful to them.
I don't look down my nose at tem.

You don’t sound very nice.
I suspect that may be at least a part of it. You speak very unkindly about parents who have bank rolled your studies and kept a roof over your head well into adulthood, despite their cramped living conditions.

I suspect they’re enjoying finally having their own lives and space back, and are relieved you aren’t still there judging them and their lifestyle.

I watched a video yesterday that asked a group of mums, would they kill for their kid? For me, the obviously answer for me is if my kids were underthreat then 100% I would. No doubt. But the number of mum's who said no, it's illegal, they wouldn't.

What i am trying to say is, not all parents are the same. They have different boundaries. It sounds like they have decided you no longer need them abd they have a boundary in place. I completely understand how upsetting that would be for you. Their priorities very much differ from your own. I would create your own chosen family through friends and live your life. They may, with time, make an effort. But maybe the honeymoon period of having tbe home to themselves is still in full force.