My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

I feel for you. My parents , father specifically had no interest. Expected us to make all contact and then fell out when it wasn’t kept up. He has no friends. It’s been about 10 years since I last saw him and I am sad because my husbands family are so close and we even go away with them. I treat them like my own instead and unfortunately you can’t miss what you don’t have and it’s easier without the constant pressure. He was also abusive (emotionally to me) physically to mum so not a loss but I do feel envious from those who have the good ones.

This sounds really tough, OP.

I kindly recommend some therapy to help work through this.

Congrats on your PhD!

Give it time. They might not yet have started to miss you. They might be just enjoying the freedom for a while.

I love my eldest daughter to bits, but she can be a bit of a mood hoover when she's feeling miserable. She kind of sulks and sighs, its hard work. I seek peace in my middle age, and don't want to be dragged into her daily dramas over small things.

It might be worth double checking if there's anything like that going on. But if not, go out there, live your life, have fun, and leave your parents behind in their self-determined boringness.

My DC is like this. Moved out and we had very little communication or contact. Yet when we did meet up, it was great with no problems. They just decided that true independence means no family. They lost their phone so we no longer have a number for them either.

You must surely realise this isn't normal? And the difference here seems to be you are all happy with this arrangement - OP clearly wants her parents' love and support which she isn't getting.

It’s sad to read this… I’m very close to my only child.
And to my mum, as well. Sorry you are missing out…

Just reading your last update, my MIL lived like your mum.
It had a big impact on DH. He often feels lonely & rejected.

A: Of course I know this isn't normal.
B: Of course I'm devastated and bewildered by it.
C: I adore my DC wholeheartedly. I don't know what I can magically do to change the situation though.
D: Some people just assume that independence is a break from the childhood home — as OPs parents seem to feel.

I'm sorry I misunderstood what you have written as being something you as parents were happy with. My apologies. That must be extremely difficult for you.

The OP doesn't sound anything like that.

Some of the posts on this are so odd. The projection is huge.

Rubbish. A parent’s relationship with their child is their responsibility - not the child’s.

And if the parents don’t like the adult that grew from the child they brought up? It’s their fault. You reap what you sow.

Sorry your feelings are hurt but 28 years is a long time to look after someone and subsidise their life. You were exceptionally lucky that they were okay with this, many people would have to forego a masters simply because their parents insisted they stand on their own two feet and by your own admission they didn’t do that and no way could you have afforded that if you had to pay market rate rent / mortgage. They’re probably just enjoying the freedom they have in their own home, intimacy, quiet etc. Give it a little time, they’ll probably come around a bit more. Keep up the contact, they don’t sound awful to me but I can understand why it stings a bit.

I agree with you. I don’t miss my eldest and she’s been left for 4 years. I love her but it’s hard living with another adult, I feel for the OP but I think 28 is a long time to have to clean up after someone and be careful about when you’re intimate etc. Pf course OP will think she didn’t need cleaning up after etc because everyone thinks they were a model child until they have their own kids and see how hard it is 😂 I think it’s sad that children have to stay at home so long now. I’m not a bad person but I look forward to the day my 19 year old leaves, I’ve decided to forgive myself for feeling this way. If he were her until he was 28 I think I would cry.

Or maybe.. your parents were bullies who used Milly as a scapegoat when they should have been trying to help her instead of complaining that she wasn’t like the rest of you.

Meanwhile, they conditioned all of you not to like her.

In addition. It’s very rare for one person in a family to be autistic. Usually at least one parent also is.

They just aren't like you @itsallabitmuchx, they've raised you and feel that their job is done. Not all parents are the same, and I imagine that is how they were raised. They don't understand why you want as much as you do from life as they are happy with what they have themselves and the rest of their family presumably live very similar lives.

It must have been a burden for them to still have you living at home with them whilst you did your PhD when they may have had no idea why you wanted it or what you wanted it for. Perhaps it is simply resentment that you want more, that you aren't happy with the life that they are happy with themselves.

My post is not intended as a criticism of you, but more based on how they may see you? I have four children and the youngest had less attention simply because I had limited time and my experience with the others had taught me that they preferred to be left to get on with their everyday lives whenever this was safe and possible. My youngest child is probably the most competent, organised and independent of the four.
I was actually very pleased when they all finally left home and am not embarrassed to say this, it's good to have our home to ourselves.

@itsallabitmuchx also had parents that shouldn't have had kids and didn't seem to like us. They had 2 for no reason I can see. You just build relationships with people that want to have them with you. Pining for something that isn't there is damaging to you. Maybe getting therapy for it would help.

I'm really confused - you clearly have a low opinion of your mother 'my mum is lazy, apathetic, negative, miserable and resentful of the world' why did you stay so long?

Your mum and dad sound similar to mine. I am an only child also. My father died a few years ago, I got on with him but never close. Mother did not contact me once she got a new man, didn't come to see even when I had DS. She's always just been there in the background. She doesn't really know me at all. It's seems once my parents got divorced they divorced me also, somewhat unintentionally but I was 18 and once the house sold they stopped parenting.

She was using them for somewhere to stay whilst she did what she wanted to do, clearly she didn't actually want to be there. Not quite sure what she thought she was bringing to the relationship, it has to be a two-way thing surely? I'm sure her mother knew that she was being used and not at all surprised to hear that she was happy when the OP left.

Another unnecessarily vile response to the OP who's clearly hurting and wanting a bit of parental love. What's the matter with you?

Here's some news for people like you - and there have been several on this thread. Emotionally immature and absent parents leave a gaping void in the centre of their children, who never stop feeling it. Part of them forever stays as little kids needing the unconditional love and support which those who received it don't even understand, because they so take it for granted. Children of emotionally immature/absent parents lack a centredness and have to work tremendously hard to try and develop the kind of self belief and self confidence other people take for granted. They often have self esteem issues. They are frequently people pleasers because they they feel this is the only way they'll get any love.

Count yourself lucky if you don't understand this, but please try not to be a dick.

We don't know the reality of the OP's childhood, though she clearly must have been supported through her education as she tells us she's recently completed a PhD. She is now an adult and they expected her to be making her own way in the world by now. It doesn't sound as if they themselves had the academic background that she clearly has - if they did I am sure they would have a better understanding of her - but they don't and they probably can't understand why she wants all these academic qualifications, there are many parents are like this. They are the result of their own backgrounds and she outside the realm of their experience.
Adult relationships have to be a two way street and she clearly has little liking for her mother. @Hodnett32 quoted: 'my mum is lazy, apathetic, negative, miserable and resentful of the world' why did you stay so long?

My mum was the same as soon as I moved out at 16
She likes to make out we are close to other people but we speak once every few years at best and I’ve seen her 3 times in 20 years. She’s me my youngest child (18) once.
OP I know it’s hurtful but please try and redirect your energy and form close bonds with friends and people in your life. It will save you a lot of negative energy and anger to chalk it up as their problem and move on

Adult relationships have to be a two way street and she clearly has little liking for her mother. quoted: 'my mum is lazy, apathetic, negative, miserable and resentful of the world' why did you stay so long?

Maybe her mum is those things? We are allowed to have opinions of our parents. Quite often with children who have been emotionally neglected they try and try to like their parents to gain their approval until one day they see more clearly. She may have stayed so long because she was trying in vain to deserve the kind of relationship she needed from her parents.

We don't know the OP's parents, but you can bet the OP knows them better than we do. People think my mother is an energetic, will-do-anything-for-anyone type, whereas I know she's a negative, cowardly, emotionally immature bully. My siblings and I know her better than her friends do. You may think I'm projecting and yes I am to an extent, but I'm also empathising.