My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

You've finally moved out of their "tiny" house, at the age of 28. They have accepted who you are (a snobby superior needy and entitled adult child) and are glad of the space.

I've voted YABU because you are 28 and only six months living on your own. They may be relieved than they have some space now and they may not have the necessity of being with you or be informed of every step you do.
You can show your face every now and them and tell them stuff without being asked.
The description you made about them and the comparation you do with the wedding are not applicable in this case in my opinion.

That's really hurtful OP. You'll get a lot of responses making excuses for them, a lot of "Is it possible that...?" but that doesn't change the fact that they are hurting you and it feels really shit, especially when you compare to your friends' parents. They are being shit parents.

No they may not know how they are "supposed" to behave but they should bloody well find out. You have a PhD you have worked so hard for and they should be as proud as punch.

I really feel for you. Unless there is a massive back story you're not telling us, it's not you: it's them.

Believe me, there are mums out there who are expert at cutting remarks. Mine told me she didn’t want to talk to me as I had nothing interesting to say. Nearly 50 years on it still hurts.
I adore my adult children, I’m interested in everything they do, and would be round like a shot if invited over. I do wait to be invited though !

Alternative perspective:

my young adult daughter has been back living with me this year.

she has told me on a regular basis that I do the washing up wrong, I stack the dishwasher wrong and that when she’s upset I talk to her in the wrong way.

she’s lived with me for a year with no rent because she failed her final year and had to resit. She’s bitched at length about that as well.

honestly when she moves out I want at least six months break from her.

I do love her. Very much. Otherwise I would not have had her back. But the bitching and whinging have been hard to take.

Sadly, some parents just aren't that bonded with their own children. All they feel is a vague fondness, secure in the knowledge that they fed and clothed you, and that's all that was necessary.

My MIL lost interest in her children, and grand children, once they stopped being cutesy babies/toddlers. She was perfectly content to go months and months not seeing them. Never asked any questions, ever.

Even when she knew DH was really homesick in his first year at university, she never once visited him. Despite regularly travelling past his campus to visit her twin sister (who she did care about).

I feel so sorry for these parents. That their emotional lives are so tepid and that they're so indifferent to their own children. It must feel like only living half a life?

The love I feel for our DDs is almost primeval in its intensity, at times. I don't know how to not love them absolutely.

I’m sorry OP. That’s very sad. As an only child I can empathise, as I don’t have much family beyond my parents but they’ve always been there for me.

Oh my god I can't understand the hurtful comments here towards you at all

It's a very mean way to be treated. I come from a dysfunctional family so I know families are tricky but four invites and then told you are needy.

Pull back.. they will need you as they age and I would think carefully how much you do . I would do a bit because you were accommodated for 3 years as an adult so that was kind of them. But I wouldn't give too much of myself

Isn'tt that a moot point as I'm not aware that there has ever been a thread on AIBU where both sides are prsent to give their viewpoint

That's sad. You're not unreasonable to feel as you do.

It sounds a bit extreme, but maybe they are just happy to have their own house and be on their own.

Hopefully over time your relationship will improve.

Were they happy you moved out, or did they take it as a slight? They sound annoyed with you, and don't want to engage, have you visited them since you moved out? Did you say how grateful you were while living with them virtually rent free, it sounds like they helped you out a lot, affection works both ways.

Why do they need to ask questions surely you tell them what you are doing etc.
I think lots people visit their parents and not the other way around.

They’ve had a child at home in a tiny house for 28 years - maybe they’re just enjoying the peace!

Yes why don't you go to see them and take them out for lunch rather than expect them to come to you.

You can’t make your parents be some thing they aren’t.

I learned this at a very young age and so don’t have expectations that they can’t meet (and have gone no contact with 1 parent since then). You’ll suffer less disappointment if you come to peace with no expectations. Sadly we can’t all have the nice parents that others get to have, and that’s life.

One thing my mum used to do was go on the attack when she felt vulnerable or upset about something. When I went to uni she would always be in a strop when she visited and manufacture a row, god knows why. It was so predictable. She now never calls or messages me unless it’s in response to a message I have sent first or photos or my kids. She’s in communication with her friends so she’s more than capable. Some parents are complicated difficult twats.

Maybe your parents are actually upset you have left the family nest and this is their way of punishing you passively aggressively by pretending to be disinterested

I don't think it's a generational thing and I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm twenty years older than you, ping-ponged in and out of my parents' house up to my mid-twenties and then settled about 1.5 hours from them but they have always been interested in my life. We have always visited each other regularly, met up to do things etc. Their behaviour sounds very hurtful. I would not contact them for a couple of months then see about arranging something low-key.

They don’t sound like people I’d want in my life, I wouldn’t be begging for attention I would be finding better people to surround myself with.

I’m no contact with my parents but my PIL are the best family I could’ve asked for, I don’t miss my biological family and their toxicity.

Harsh and cold of your parents. It’s so painful, I guess part of that is going through the process of accepting them for who they are which you are doing. Well done for that. In tandem, look for people who are not like that now, make sure you don’t fall into the trap of ending up with friends and partners who repeat this familiar behaviour. Comfort and validate yourself and don’t listen to the pricks on this thread saying you’re the problem, you are not.

From your own words OP it doesn’t really sound like you had a close relationship with them even when you were all under the same “tiny” roof so I’m not entirely sure why you expected that to change after you moved out? I agree with @Octavia64 earlier post, if your relationship hasn’t been wonderful then perhaps they have wanted/needed the breathing space.

If you would like a closer relationship with them, that’s a conversation you need to initiate with them.

i think this casual ‘why would she’ is one of the saddest comments on this thread. The answer is because she’s your mum, and she loves you??? My mum is interested in me, my mil is, and a 30-40 year age gap is irrelevant in relationships like that?

you overstayed by a decade, now they want some space

if they don’t start behaving better in a couple of years then they didn’t care properly, however right now you’ve only just moved out

Why wouldn’t they though? She’s their only child. And does that mean it is now ok for them to take no interest in her life?

I would probably distance myself a bit OP as they are unlikely to give you what you are seeking.