To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I'm sure people will say that you shouldn't expect grandparents to do ANYTHING for you, regardless of what they do for SIL, because expecting anything from anyone is apparently rude and selfish, but no, YANBU. It's unfair.

Is her situation the same? Married working etc?

If SIL grew up being the golden child then it doesn’t surprise me that she would get more attention from her parents than your h. I’m not saying that it’s fair but when there’s a golden child, the golden child’s kids end up as the golden grandchildren.

Is it possible that they are holding back because they don’t want to step on your mother’s toes? Some people have strange views on childcare.

OP could this be a case of comparison being the thief of joy?

For what it's worth I don't agree with the premise that their daughters kids should get more support than their sons kids. I do understand that there are more factors that might influence their decision. On a practical level if they are now older with your DC they may feel the need to do less.

Where are your parents?

Ils practically raised sil's dc.. Ours never had more than a glass of juice and a biscuit twice a week in our schedules hour visits.
Their loss.
Though they have rewritten history if I ever see them
.. Stories of great times. Except they have got the dgc wrong. Sil's ds.

It depends entirely on the specific scenarios. How old are the children? Are the grandparents retired if so how long for? What is the employment situation of all of the adults?

what is the relationship between the grandparents and parents?

there are a lot of variables in this situation my parents will not be looking after my children but they look after my brothers three times a week. I don’t live as close so it would be impractical

If she was the first to have a baby and receive childcare from them then it might just be bad luck for you that she got in first. They are not unreasonable in not wanting to take on more and where does it stop, if they have three children who have 3 children and one couple has shifts to work around then should they be looking after anything between 2 and 8 children 7 days a week for say 10 hours a day?

Depends. Is SIL married? Does she have more children or children with SEN?

I think it depends on the situation. I was a single parent with a full time job. My parents provided childcare so i could work (healthcare role including early starts, late finishes, weekends and nights)
DB told me once it was unfair that he didn't get the same. But he was married and his wife didn't work. My parents had their DC so they could have a social life, but less often than they had mine.

IMO it wasn't unfair, we had different needs.

I ticked YABU, because YAobviouslyBVU to expect anything from any grandparent. But I don't agree with your YABU option either, in that it has nothing to do with favouring and supporting their own daughter more. it has nothing to do with anything at all, YABU to expect them to do child care for you. What they do for anyone else, and why, is irrelevant

What sort of support are you expecting? Are your situations the same?

It's hard to say if it is reasonable without more information. As a general rule, I would expect all children and grandchildren to be treated equally. However, I wouldn't necessarily expect daughters and daughters in law to be treated equally, so it rather depends on whether your inlaws are framing the "help" as a favour to your daughter or as a favour to benefit the whole family.

For example, they might want to provide childcare in order to give their dd a break to support her mental health and/or to enable her to maintain her financial independence. They may not feel that they owe you the same duty because it's for your own parents to support your wellbeing, but perhaps they would feel that they owed this to your DH if he were in a position to need it.

You are being unreasonable to ‘expect’ anything. Their choice.

My DD is the mother to my first two GDC. We are very close and we spend a lot of time together.. I have them one day a week whilst she works.
I have 2 DILs and as much as I really really like them, they both have there own good mum's who I'm sure will be very involved when/if they have DC.
I will also be much older and have stressed to them that we'll have to see what I can do when other GC arrive.
I truly hope my Dil understand this..

I agree with @LightDrizzle. Usually whoever gets in first has priority.

It’s just the way of it when you’re not the first sibling to have children.
They only have so much energy and time and if they’ve already committed to as much as they can managed it wouldn’t be fair of them to go back on an agreement they’ve already made just in the interest of making it look fair.

But rereading your op I truly hope I will treat all my GC equally... even if I can't offer childcare..

Childcare and responsibility for arranging it disproportionately falls on women. Therefore it's typically more of a help to women if grandparents (and let's be honest, usually the grandma) offer to help out. So in this circumstance I can understand why people would prioritise their own daughter over their daughter in law. I'm not saying any of this is fair or right.

May be the grand parents want to help their own daughter rather than their daughter in law. It’s likely that when the grandparents are fragile, their daughter will step up and help rather than the daughter in law

Are her kids older? May just be a case that she got in their first, now the GPs are committed to a regular schedule and are at capacity. Or maybe they’ve aged or developed health issues since hers were babies/toddlers and don’t feel like they can handle little ones anymore. Or maybe it is favouritism and it is unfair. Hard to say really without more info…

It’s not as black and white as that is it. It’s frequency, was one agreed beforehand, ages, number of children etc.

What other support does SIL have/you have? How much older are they than when Sil’s DC were born? Are you expecting them to be able to take both at once? Have you actually had a discussion or were you just assuming they’d jump at the chance?

Deeply unreasonable. If grandparents are al readily heavily committed to childcare for existing children, owe are just the breaks.

SIL married, well paid job but also qualifies for free hours. No SEN. My parents not in a picture.
But yes, she had kids first, so there is a precedent of how much childcare was given, so I was expecting we get the same amount, but in reality it feels like looking after her kids is always firm in the calendar and for us it's kinda around other activities and I personally feel push back when asking for anything.
So I wonder whether that's how grandparents treat their grandchildren and children - more goes to daughter. And whether it's a normal way of life and I should just lower the expectations.
But honestly it creates bitterness in the relationship, unfortunately. I feel resentful to them.

I think there's a lot of context missing here. Do both you and SIL struggle for childcare? Do you both work, neither work? Do you have the income to pay for childcrae and she doesn't? Without comparisons of the key factors that might determine how much childcare you need, it's difficult to say