To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I think it should be equitable, rather than equal. And no, no one can expect anything from grandparents in the way of childcare. But it is shit when grandparents favour the kids of one child over the kids of another. I’ve seen it time and again and I can’t imagine doing that to my own kids/grandkids in the future x

So are you suggesting she should use her free hours so GP can look after your children instead?

No, I am just explaining the situation because people were asking if there is a big difference in circumstances

But I wonder why your response is so abrupt? Any chance you are one of these daughters getting all the support?

I think it’s totally normal to do more for your own children than for your in laws (male or female). If your husband asks for help do they seem reluctant? I’d expect grandparents to love all their grandchildren equally but when babysitting (for example) surely that’s a favour to their child.

But how come ? Surely it would be fair to provide the same support? I don't understand the idea of first coke first served here

you are not entitled to feel resentful, and they are entitled to push back as much as they like - it sounds from your post though, that they do in fact offer childcare to your children. Is that right? How much? And how much more do you ask for that they "push back" about? I think you probably need to be grateful for any support you get - They don't have to give you any, and it sounds like they have prior commitments so I expect they are very busy. How old are all the children?

"surely that’s a favour to their child", but OP's children are their child's children, unless I'm misunderstanding you?

If your MIL is already committed to childcare for her DD when does she get child free days off ? If your DCs born first it may have been that you would benefit. Your MIL has a closer relationship with the DD she has raised than with you . However your DH should ask not you. Also it us not your MIL fault that your own parents are not in the picture . Again no one should expect childcare from an older parent .

You mean favour daughters? Husband is their child too
Annoyingly he is a perfect son who doesn't want to put any pressure on his parents. This really causes some upset in our house, because we live next to his parents (which was his choice) and he always said the support would be equal but now doesn't ask for it

I am not finding these responses abupt? just straightforward! How much help are you getting from them? You have not said

Honestly i can trump your resentment in a humerus manner my ex mil had grandchildren from ONE of her children she didn't bother she kept no toys for when they came over nothing never offered nothing.....her other child's DOG however had toys and treats at her house she offered to look after him so they could go out to dinner the best of it was she didn't really "like" dogs and always wanted grandchildren

That's what favoritism looks like

Anyway I would rather struggle than send my child to be around a resentful/unwelcoming/ grandparent

YAB completely U. It depends on a huge number of variables

How old were the ILs when dealing with a 1yo grandchild. If they are 5 years older now, don't be surprised if they say no.

Does your SIL rely on them, with no alternative. Then they are already committed.

Do they live closer to one family than the other.

They are quite within their rights to say they have had enough of childcare and don't want to do any more. Children are exhausting at the best of times, never mind when they are 60+

What are they supposed to do though if they have their hands full with their daughters kids?

Would you like them to go to childcare 50/50 so that they can have your children?

Your complaint is a common one unfortunately

If you’ll calm down for a second the intense fear of getting a smaller slice of cake than the other toddlers at the party, surely it’s not hard to understand that if grandparents are doing FT childcare for three existing children, they’re not just going to keep adding more depending on how many more of their children reproduce?

Because they have an established routine and an established relationship, and an easier, older child, and you are getting support, you have said so, but you don't sound very grateful, you said yourself, you feel resentful, so in their position, I would stop helping altogether if that was the response I was getting

No, I'm not. My child was put in nursery and I paid for childcare like many others. I was actually trying to get some context.

Its your choice to have children. It is your responsibility to look after them or arrange alternative childcare. It is not an entitlement that grandparents should automatically have to babysit your children

But if they have already committed their available time to DGC, they would have to reduce that in order to provide childcare to DGC that come along later. That could cause problems for SIL.

Sorry but I think it’s a first come, first served situation and you will have to suck it up.

On the face of it, it’s unfair but in order for your in-laws to provide equal support to you, that means doubling their commitments in terms of childcare and maybe they just don’t want to do that anymore! Also, people get older and are less able/willing to manage small children. I didn’t even live in the same country as my mother when our first born came along but when we visited she was quite hands-on with him, three years later when his brother was born she had aged quickly and for instance was no longer able to lift our second easily out of a cot so no way was she able to provide equal levels of interaction or care with him.

Well they would probably help if he asked but if he actively doesn’t want to why on earth are you asking @Notyourproblem ?

Well, quite right, he should not be putting any pressure on his parents. Can you hear yourself! You are getting support. You are "resentful" that there is "pushback" when you ask for more support, and you want your husband to put "pressure" on an already busy, elderly couple to do more for you!

You are being very unreasonable indeed. You are in a very lucky position, getting any childcare from grandparents at all

No OP is asking not her husband (their son),

But we're still lacking some context here - how often do GP have SIL kids? How often do they have yours? Do you and SIL both work FT, PT or what? Where is the disparity?

My brother and his wife had kids first so I have to slot my baby seeing her Nana around her existing childcare commitments to my nephews. If anything as the daughter my relationship to my mother is more flexible but because of the more formal relationship to her daughter in law her access to those grandchildren is more rigid so if anyone is going to compromise it's going to be me. Everyone's family will be different but exactly equal support may not be possible.

You're not wrong to be annoyed. You're not entitled to their help, but it is shitty when parents favour one child over another, and by extension grandchildren.