To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

By using this logic the daughter isn’t entitled either

All I mean is there’s a difference between the sil getting childcare to work and the op if she was asking for childcare to go for a spa day. And the op hasn’t explained.

we don’t know if the sil has two or three or four or one or eleven kids and we don’t know how many the op is asking for to be minded. Nor do we know what age the kids are. I might keep a 3 and a 5 year old with no bother, but two 1 year olds and a three year old I’d find much more difficult.

we also don’t know what age the parents are and how long they’ve been doing childcare for.

and really, all of that is for the ops husband to ask and discuss with his family. Not the op. Because families are strange and families that aren’t yours are really strange and you never understand the relationships fully even when you think you do.

What she's getting is an afterthought and pushback, so no she doesn't have to feel grateful for that, whether it's owed or not.

What a nasty post, don't be so ridiculous and stop projecting. It's so nasty it's even funny 😂

of course it's unfair to treat your grand-children unfairly! Literally the definition of unfair - or treating your daughter and son unfairly, which is the same.

Look. After. Your. Own. Children
She is. She is also being a good mother and a good wife to be unpleasantly surprised by in-laws favouriting other grand-children and daughter over son.

It's always a bit sad when your children don't have a relationship with their grand-parents because the grand-parents only care about their cousin.

On the plus side, in-laws can jog on if they ever need help or suddenly wake up that they're missing out on an entire set of grand-children. MIL owes nothing, fine, but no-one owes her anything either.

Wait until the daughter is not interested in helping elderly parents and everyone expect son and his wife to step in. We'll see who the real "chancers' are

I believe my Mum did more for my kids than my brother's children because she said she felt more allowed to do it. I think it was a Mother/daughter thing. She definitely doesn't like my brother or his wife any less, she just felt she had more freedom.
If I'm honest, I also don't have as much money as my brother so I asked for help a lot more, or she could see I needed it more often.
Please don't take it personally - it's really not. xx

@CyanDreamer but there is nothing to say the GPs don’t have a relationship with OP’s DC, she mentions family holidays, going to events together.

I would much rather GPs had this sort of relationship with grandchildren than expecting them to provide childcare. I would want GPs to have retirement where they could be spontaneous not tied to my working patterns, school hours, our holidays.

I think a lot of people take advantage of GPs providing childcare, and GPs don’t feel able to say no to some of their children. This might be the case here, they don’t feel able to tell SIL they want to change days.

If one set of GPs were already providing 3 days a week childcare I wouldn’t be expecting them to take on more DC if I then had a child. I also wouldn’t expect them to change what they are doing.

I wonder how many posters here will be offering as much childcare when it comes to their time to be GPs

I mean, given that the help OP’s SiL is receiving from her parents includes them both driving a considerable distance to her house, looking after her children, cleaning her house and cooking - which leaves both ILs too tired to see their family next door on their days off -, I assumed it was a joint effort rather than MiL alone?

Disagree completely.

Correct. Free childcare is a favour, no one is entitled to it.

Which generation is entitled? Because there are parents and GP alike telling their stories here so OP’s feelings are not restricted to one generation.
What I do think is different across generations is that younger ones are more encouraged to voice their feelings rather than the put-up-shut-up approach boomers and even gen x seem to be used to. After all, people can feel how they feel and you can choose to ignore them. Sentiments of jealousy and hurt don’t have to be concealed to make others feel better.

I agree that ideally there would be parity, but I can’t help thinking OP’s attitude might be partly why there isn’t.

Do you'd had care and attention for 7 years ?

I have voted YABU. Basically because you are expecting anything.

When you childs GP were asked for childcare by you SIL they HAD NO SIMILAR COMMITMENTS. Do you understand the difference between then and now? They were able to say yes to whatever they deemed acceptable under those circumstances.

Now you have had a child you have asked for help with childcare. Do you expect them to lower their commitment to your SIL because you chose to have a family. Your SIL hasnt changed anything from the prior arrangement. The GP havent changed anything. You are the person who has changed things and you are the person making expectations.

There is another Grandchild to consider here. One who has grown up with a level of relationship with GP that you are trying to reduce. Is that fair?

At the end of the day the GP cant split themselves in half. You need to be reasonable, explain you hoped for some help and whatever they can give is 100% appreciated. You also hope for them to have a similar relationship with their GC that they have with the older GC. Maybe this could be in other ways that help you out too.

Dont go demanding they achieve the impossible of like for like.

When my parents offered to provide 2 days a week care for my child (first grandchild) I said to them don't offer me something that you can't offer my siblings. We ended up with having 1 day a week of them looking after my child (more so they wanted that regular contact and a routine now they are in retirement). Also, I would expect if my siblings later have kids, I'm prepared to increase nursery days so my parents can look after their kids as I've already benefited a period of time of reduced cost.

Of course if my siblings end up having kids much later and my parents health don't allow the same level of care then that's a different scenario. I am prepared to help my siblings out where I can as well.

Personally I think it's best to establish outright that everyone should budget/be prepared to not get any regular care for their kids before having them. And if parents are in good health and are happy to help, discuss how many days are available and try and share this out between all the grandkids to maintain connection with all of them. I'm sure the siblings will be ok if one needs more help due to health reasons or the like. What people are not ok with are blatant favouritism. A lot of siblings learn to live with not being the golden child in the family, but when this is projected to the next generation it is harder to accept seeing their own kids being treated lesser than.

I don't think we should be having kids with the expectation of external help at all, really.

Of course it will seem unfair if you are not given the same consideration, but surely there is more to this than 'they get it so we should too'?

I take it DH's parents are retired, hence they have the time to look after SIL's kid(s), but how are they doing with it? Do they already have their hands full? Are they physically pushed and dreading having to take on more? Are they even getting a retirement, or are they now full time Grandparents?

If they can't take on more kids, do you want them to half the amount of time SIL gets and share the time with you? Would that be a huge financial strain on SIL? Can you afford childcare and her not? Would it be difficult on their kid(s) to change the arrangement?

In my experience, there is a lot more at play than just 'fairness' in these matters.

Neither is the daughter then

I only have 2 DGC from my DD but if any of my 2 DS's or foster sons give me DGC they would be treated equally with DD's DC. I love too far away to offer weekly care but I paid towards nursery fees for both DGC to enable my DD to go back to work and I went down when DGS's got chicken pox and when my DD had to go into hospital for a minor operation. I'd do more if they lived closer.

Exactly

Are you stuck on repeat or something? I already answered that.

No need for rudness

I've no particular interest in being rude. Just puzzled as to why you made the same point twice.

You being puzzled is not how your post came across

If one set of GPs were already providing 3 days a week childcare I wouldn’t be expecting them to take on more DC if I then had a child. I also wouldn’t expect them to change what they are doing.

I would.

At the very least swap it for 2 days for one, 1 day for the other.
It's not like it's a sudden decision and you tell the daughter: btw, from tomorrow, we don't babysit 3 days a week anymore.

By the time you learn your son's wife is pregnant, then she gives birth, then the baby is old enough to need a babysitter.. normal parents would tell their daughter: we need to share our time, you need to make alternative arrangements for half that time.

Kids are not stupid, they know very well and very quickly that their cousins are the favourites and grand-parents prefer to spend more time with them. It's not an "entitled DIL" resentment , it's a whole toxic dynamic.

I will never understand people who have favourites among their children or their grand-children.

This.
Quite a lot of entitlement going on behind your question.
Also, people's situations are different eg other grandparents may be further away or not wanting to look after dgc at all.
Be grateful for them being prepared to look after your kids at all!

@CyanDreamer the eldest grandchild is going to school, doing school run might actually be harder to organise than nursery/childminder for baby

Also OP says they have been on family holidays with GPs, they also live next door so that might be seen as just as nice as having childcare with GPs