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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

760 replies

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 17:33

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 04/08/2025 18:22

I think the word 'expect' if your enemy here. Be as self sufficient as possible and anything extra is a bonus.

Nonnonnon · 04/08/2025 18:22

You aren't entitled to any free childcare. If someone's kind enough to give it, that's great. I'm late fifties and could manage an older dc now but not a baby or toddler with my health conditions. You've no idea what's going on in people's lives.

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2025 18:22

EmTTC2 · 04/08/2025 18:02

Its your choice to have children. It is your responsibility to look after them or arrange alternative childcare. It is not an entitlement that grandparents should automatically have to babysit your children

I don’t get the impression the OP feels entitled, just upset that her pil treat her dc differently or don’t offer as much support. I think, as other pp have said, due to sil’s dc arriving first and they’d possibly have to pull back on how much they offer the OP’s dc. I can empathise, I think I’d be resentful too.

Ellie1015 · 04/08/2025 18:23

They had more time when the first grandchildren were born. Now they have an existing commitment to daughter and dont want to disturb their routine. They also know the amount of work involved in caring for young children and are a few years older.

I got lots of help with my first born. By the time second came a long 5 years later less. As parents now had 4 grandchildren so less able to help. If ther had been a hypothetical younger sibling that had a child they would also have got less help than I did with first child.

It isn't about what's fair. They are human beings it is about what help they are willing and able to give.

Whiningatwine · 04/08/2025 18:23

EmmaD11 · 04/08/2025 18:17

My parents did full childcare for my sister’s DS. My PIL did full childcare for my DH’s siblings DS.

Both continue to provide huge support despite both DGC now being young adults.

DH and I haven’t had so much as an hour’s assistance from them since our bow 4 year old DS was born.

We paid £10,000’s in nursery fees and we’ve had to take a huge drop in household income to allow us to work and do all the school runs and holiday cover. Our siblings didn’t have to sacrifice a single thing.

It used to bother me a lot more in the early days but we’ve come to accept it now. Of course our and our DS’s relationship with our parents is very different to that of our siblings and their DC.

My parents committed to helping me with my dog one day every three months when I broke up with my abusive ex. When first grandchild came along I was dropped like a stone and had to make alternative arrangements.

My parents have doted on the grandchild. As my brother isnt going to have anymore and they thought I wouldn't have kids.

I announced I was pregnant and they were all over me like a rash trying to make up for leaving me in the lurch. They then found out it's twins all of a sudden two babies trumps one toddler. The offers of help have been incredible. But as far as I'm concerned the damage has been done.

Wafflesandcrepes · 04/08/2025 18:23

It’s been my experience with my in-laws even though we came first and even though my parents lived in another country and couldn’t help. As someone else said, the golden child’s children will be the golden grand-children.

It makes me look up to my amazing grandma - now well over 100 - even more. She never showed any favouritism and is one of the only person I know who has a truly united family around her. Her five children had to sign some paperwork recently and the lawyer in charge couldn’t believe it when they all turned up on time, agreed with everything and signed all necessary paperwork with no issues raised. He said he had never seen anything like it.

You reap what you sow…

Original poster
Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 18:24

Thanks all, I guess I am expecting too much and this was useful for me to hear that.
I will try to expect less and compare less (which everyone knows is a thief of joy, but sometimes harder to do).

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/08/2025 18:24

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 17:59

You mean favour daughters? Husband is their child too
Annoyingly he is a perfect son who doesn't want to put any pressure on his parents. This really causes some upset in our house, because we live next to his parents (which was his choice) and he always said the support would be equal but now doesn't ask for it

Show quote history

Sounds to me like your H has sold you a bit of a pig in a poke. "It'll be great moving next door to my folks, we might have less privacy, but we'll have so much help with the kids!" If so, then your problem is most definitely with your H. He has persuaded you to do something most people would prefer not to, unless they love their in laws greatly, on the basis of a promise it was never his to make.

JHound · 04/08/2025 18:24

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 17:57

But how come ? Surely it would be fair to provide the same support? I don't understand the idea of first coke first served here

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Because they have limited time and the spare time they have is going to the grandchildren that were there first.

AvidJadeShaker · 04/08/2025 18:24

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 18:13

Yes, make arrangements to cut the other support and allow equal help to us. And especially given SIL had years of help already
But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest (between driving to SIL and cooking / cleaning for her)

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Do you mean the DGP’s shouldn’t have rest days?

bitterlemonade · 04/08/2025 18:24

You are being very unreasonable to expect it. Families are complicated and they have an existing arrangement. You’re treating them like they owe you!

Young children are demanding and they deserve to be able to rest. Regular childcare is extremely demanding and many grandparents of friends (and my own) don’t offer it as it doesn’t give them any flexibility.

It seems as though they are in a routine that they enjoy as I’m presuming your SILs children are older, which is unfortunate but understandable. They don’t have to provide anything.

EmmaD11 · 04/08/2025 18:24

Lemniscate8 · 04/08/2025 18:20

but they are now more than a decade older, so of course they can't offer the same

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I agree but the disparity is stark. There are more options other than do everything or do nothing.

Ponderingwindow · 04/08/2025 18:25

We had the same problem. ILs definitely prioritized brother’s family. They would even cancel on us for a rare babysitting event if brother or his wife called them.

ILs had their own rationalization for why brothers family was more important. They didn’t owe us anything, but favoritism still stings.

Lemniscate8 · 04/08/2025 18:25

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2025 18:22

I don’t get the impression the OP feels entitled, just upset that her pil treat her dc differently or don’t offer as much support. I think, as other pp have said, due to sil’s dc arriving first and they’d possibly have to pull back on how much they offer the OP’s dc. I can empathise, I think I’d be resentful too.

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She does use the word "expect" and wants her husband to "pressure" them, and feels aggrieved that they allow themselves "rest days" - don't think you can get any more entitled, really

WellIquitelikesprouts · 04/08/2025 18:25

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 17:52

SIL married, well paid job but also qualifies for free hours. No SEN. My parents not in a picture.
But yes, she had kids first, so there is a precedent of how much childcare was given, so I was expecting we get the same amount, but in reality it feels like looking after her kids is always firm in the calendar and for us it's kinda around other activities and I personally feel push back when asking for anything.
So I wonder whether that's how grandparents treat their grandchildren and children - more goes to daughter. And whether it's a normal way of life and I should just lower the expectations.
But honestly it creates bitterness in the relationship, unfortunately. I feel resentful to them.

OP, is it possible that the real resentment is towards your own parents who are not in the picture at all? It is often the case that mothers especially feel most connected to their daughter's children and most concerned for their daughter's wellbeing during pregnancy and in the early years. For whatever reason this is missing from your life, which is sad.

Lulu1919 · 04/08/2025 18:26

Nothing to do,with Daughters or daughters in law
I have two
D 1 had a two year old...ha e her once a week when my D is at work ..I work and asked to reduce my hours to accommodate this.
D 2 pregnant ..when she goes back to work ..so about 15 months from now I shall ask work again if I can reduce my hours ...but if they say No ....then what can I do ?
I can't afford to not work
I can't suddenly say to D1 it's your sisters turn for my help ..unfair

I want to help both
I love my Granny Day and to have two would be wonderful

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 18:26

They can look after whoever they want, you don’t have children if you aren’t going to look after them and don’t want to pay for someone else to. Sounds like you are jealous.

SilkCottonTree · 04/08/2025 18:26

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 18:13

Yes, make arrangements to cut the other support and allow equal help to us. And especially given SIL had years of help already
But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest (between driving to SIL and cooking / cleaning for her)

Show quote history

Are you saying they should give up their rest days to give you the same amount of childcare?!

It's not fair, I agree that the older grandchildren get more care from them, but I think this is very common. Most grandparents wouldn't drop existing arrangements of childcare to look after much younger children.

If you had had your children at the same time as your SIL then it would be grossly unfair, but you must appreciate your in-laws are not getting any younger, and probably the thought of starting their childcare duties all over again with very young children is probably not appealing. Much easier to carry on with their older grandchildren who are probably out of nappies, and much better company than a toddler or younger.

Epidote · 04/08/2025 18:26

Yes, you are being unreasonable.
They are adults like you and your husband, they choose who they like more, how they help more, who they are close to more and what to do. You will find GP that try not to make any favorite but some clearly have and although is shit you can't do nothing about it.
Well, you can. Create a better closer relationship with them and wait for them to reciprocate or create a drama complain about it.
I don't know when the rule of GP must be 50/50 comes from but at my 50 years old I can tell you that they are not the majority. And also you are correct usually the Daughter offspring is closer to them.
My advice is always expect nothing in this situations and then you will have nice surprises.
As I said is crap, but life is not fair.

50lbstolose · 04/08/2025 18:26

Maybe your kids are annoying and hard work and they don't want to have them

CopperWhite · 04/08/2025 18:27

You sound very entitled with unreasonably high expectations. My dcs paternal grandparents had grandchildren before them and it would never have occurred to me to assume that I was entitled to however many hours of childcare that had previously been given to my SILs.

Your bitterness and resentment is misguided and misplaced.

JHound · 04/08/2025 18:27

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 18:13

Yes, make arrangements to cut the other support and allow equal help to us. And especially given SIL had years of help already
But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest (between driving to SIL and cooking / cleaning for her)

Show quote history

So you want an elderly couple to give up their days of rest to provide you with free childcare?

When should they be able to rest then according to you?

You sound truly awful and you are being completely selfish.

Tatemoderndrawyourown · 04/08/2025 18:27

Maybe your SIL is just obviously grateful?

aCatCalledFawkes · 04/08/2025 18:28

I think this is for your partner to pick up with his parents. When my daughter was a lot younger my exPIL did more than my parents but she was an only grandchild. Now my parents do lots for her but she's 18yrs and can drive to them.
I do think its sad that they won't be able too do so much with my niece who is 12mtns and my brothers daughter. It's definitely not because they love her less but more because they are getting very old, my Mum couldn't confidently carry a baby up stairs due to bad knees or run around with her. Obviously my sister, daughter and I have said we will step when they need help but I can't reduce my hours or anything like that.

HollyhockDays · 04/08/2025 18:28

I think a mother would be more willing to “take over” or be critical of a daughter’s kids / parenting. She’s maybe worried about stepping on your toes. You do sound a bit feisty!!