To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

My own Mum gives by SIL a million times more help than me!

You have not really given any context, age of children, amount of support being given, but actually, I don't really think we need any further details.

you are being given far more than you are entitled to, and you are resentful and demanding rather than grateful, and I think your attitude needs to change. Many of us have no grandparents in the picture at all

But didn't you expect to get the equal amount? Perhaps you slot around their timetable but the same time is allowed to your children?
And surely babies don't come from nowhere, things could be planned ahead (like upping nursery hours)

Maybe they don’t feel up to looking after younger children. My daughters have had babies in the last year, I am offering 1 day a week for each baby, I’m very happy to be able to do this. However if in 3 years time they decide to have another I may not feel I could offer this as I might just not feel able to do so.

Has your DH spoken to his parents about this?

Why?

Op you are starting to sound very jealous of your sister inlaws.

Yep we had this with my SIL with my in-laws and it really annoyed me for ages as when they saw us inlaws would go on about how exhausted they were from looking after her kids! She got a load from her inlaws as well!

We really benefited from having first granchild on my side though so I can't complain that much.

I do think the daughter often gets more childcare than the daughter in law and it isn't really fair. Also the first few grandkids usually get more as grandparents have more energy.

Actually both sides have said they are too old for anything regular now which is completely fair enough.

And why shouldn't she?

With my in-laws this definitely is the case. DHs sister had her first a year before I had our first.

In fairness we live abroad and SIL lives an hour away from PIL so she's obviously going to get more support. They usually help her out once a week with school pickup or similar. But they have babysat for us on a few occasions when visiting mainly because they want to see the kids. It doesn't bother me but what does bother me is we get no priority and there was one occasion when we did ask for babysitter and they said no as had already agreed to babysit for SIL. Fair enough. Then about a year later we asked and they said yes and put our date in the calendar (we were going to a wedding) a couple months later SIL asked for the same night and they agreed and said it was fine watching all the kids. That did grate me that they didn't say no to her but did to us and would have again if we'd asked second. But hey ho.

What annoys me is they have very regular contact with their other grandchildren over the phone, facetime etc but never think to call ours and when I do try to call it has to be arranged. Sad really they only talk three times a year on the phone if that.

In contrast my parents have my brothers children more than mine as they live closer. No big deal really.

At a guess because that poster’s brother and his wife had children before she did?

My sister got loads of support from mum and dad when she had her child.
I had very little.
However it was fair, she was by herself with one child and no other support at all.
Mum.and dad helping out enabled her to work and advance her career.
Also she had the first child by quite a few years and my parents were getting older.

I had a dh and his side of the family to support me.
You can't always do like for like with childcare. Theres too many different factors.

Maybe they just don’t like you and feel your expectations of childcare so push back ? I’m not sure why you would have children if you needed someone to look after them ?

So based on your comment here, you do expect SIL to use some of her nursery hours so they can look after yours?

Definitely a case of comparison being the thief of joy.

I mean technically first come first served isn't fair but I think when there's existing arrangements here it's not realistic to expect these to be changed for your needs.

Because jealousy leads to anger = hate = fall outs and drama and gets us nowhere.

Yes, make arrangements to cut the other support and allow equal help to us. And especially given SIL had years of help already
But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest (between driving to SIL and cooking / cleaning for her)

Because she has always favoured my brother over my sister and I. We had children first and she made it very clear, no childcare which I was fine with and absolutely her decision but then my Brother had kids and she did it for them. My relationship with my Mum will never be the same now and we are very low contact. I am going to make sure whatever I commit to first grandchild I can do for the rest, all being well.

I think it depends. Ideally it would be fair but it doesn't always work that way. My mum helped me with my kids one day a week when they were preschool. 10 years on my brother had a baby but mum isn't as healthy as she used to be and looking after a baby / toddler is too much for her. She can quite easily host my 2 older kids who don't need much looking after sometimes. But she is conscious of the difference and was upfront with my brother and tries to see a lot of them still.

Maybe the thought of doing the newborn / toddler stage again is too much for her?

I was going to say this.
Plus you have kids you look after them dont expect others to do your job.

Nobody has a family "expecting" child care from grandparents, surely! And no, if they have comittments already, they are not going to be in a position to just double that because the number of granchildren has increased!

We actually had the first dgc and dh was their first dc.. When sil gave birth they dumped our ds... She also had a ds...
From sil's first arrival ils never had a holiday that didn't include at least 1 of sil's dc...

You probably should get the same support but

if there is already an arrangement in place, I would expect to have to fit in.

it is generally easier to organise things with a DD than a DDiL as they will probably be closer.

yes the childcare is for both you and DH but families often see it as helping out the mum.

But you live next door- it would bother me more if I could always see it.

I’m sorry OP you sound like really hard work, you begrudge them having a rest. Perhaps it’s you that’s the issue?

YANBU
My in- laws did this - a tually moved to the other side of the country to help SIL. I won’t bother going into all the details but SIL had a lot more support and money available but PIL went to help her. It hurt then and still hurts now. It has definitely affected their relationship with my dc who saw and understood the blatant favouritism. They were under no obligation to help us but it was not nice to see them help SIL (who didn’t ask for help either btw) and effectively ignore us.

So you should just knuckle under whilst one branch of the family is given favourable treatment over the other? Accept the unfairness with a smile to avoid drama? Accept the grandparents building a deeper bond with one set of grandchildren?