Page 31 | To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

Notyourproblem · 2025-08-04T16:33:24+00:00

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter? I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money) YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more. YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support. For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

Juststop2025 · 06/08/2025 23:28

KeepDancing1 · 06/08/2025 13:34

I mean, given that the help OP’s SiL is receiving from her parents includes them both driving a considerable distance to her house, looking after her children, cleaning her house and cooking - which leaves both ILs too tired to see their family next door on their days off -, I assumed it was a joint effort rather than MiL alone?

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Yes I dare say he was involved, but as everyone on the planet knows, and all of human history proves, the grandmother will be doing the lion's share of the babysitting.

But yes, I suppose it is just possible that they might be the exception that prove the rule.

Mumofmarauders · 07/08/2025 02:57

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 17:57

But how come ? Surely it would be fair to provide the same support? I don't understand the idea of first coke first served here

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I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think grandparents ideally, if they have more than one child likely to be having kids at the sort of time, should ensure they don’t commit to a level of childcare for one family they couldn’t replicate happily for both/all. And I say that as the sibling who got much more help in the pre-school years (although in our case we live ten minutes away from my folks and my sister was five counties away, so it was simply a question of what was practicable).

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 02:59

Mumofmarauders · 07/08/2025 02:57

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think grandparents ideally, if they have more than one child likely to be having kids at the sort of time, should ensure they don’t commit to a level of childcare for one family they couldn’t replicate happily for both/all. And I say that as the sibling who got much more help in the pre-school years (although in our case we live ten minutes away from my folks and my sister was five counties away, so it was simply a question of what was practicable).

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Lol. Or people can just do whatever they want with their own precious amount of irreplaceable time, make decisions that suit them, and not bend themselves into a pretzel to offer free labour to suit the wants of entitled CFs 😂😅

Letskeepcalm · 07/08/2025 07:04

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 02:59

Lol. Or people can just do whatever they want with their own precious amount of irreplaceable time, make decisions that suit them, and not bend themselves into a pretzel to offer free labour to suit the wants of entitled CFs 😂😅

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👌

Original poster

Notyourproblem · 07/08/2025 07:39

Update: it's not a real update (nothing has happened) but I wanted to share my thoughts after reading all the comments.

I will expect less and be happy with what is offered. Some posters gave good reasons on why there will be differences and I agree with some (only because they apply more to the family specifics).

And there were lots of assumptions made about the family and relationship. Generally we are a friendly family. So I am being unreasonable in bringing in negative dynamic, so I will avoid that.

And, as pointed out by some, DH should be the one making arrangements and leave me out of it, this will also be better for all.

OP posts:

sophiapen · 07/08/2025 09:19

I know how you feel even though our situations are not exactly the same! I don't think you are being unreasonable as I think grandchildren should be able to spend time with both sets of grandparents , especially since you all live so close together! The situation would have been different if SIL was next door and you were living hundred of miles away.
My PIL recently posted pictures of their outing with SIL's oldest child. They occasionally help when her children are ill or take the oldest one for a day or overnight stay. MIL used to help them more ( once a week looking after her grandkid )but said she doesn't want to commit to such thing going forward and offers occasional help. Last year we got help twice and this year we got help for an hour for one child but we don't really ask them for help and they don't check with us if we need any help or not. Maybe they assume we would just ask when we need it , which is fine but I can see SIL's kids have formed a deeper bond with PIL in comparison to my kids. Even my mum said they don't help much and she was surprised considering they don't live very far.

january1244 · 07/08/2025 11:22

@Notyourproblemhow does your husband feel about it? Does he feel a bit hurt, or is he alright with the situation?

IHadaMarvelousTimeRuiningEverything · 07/08/2025 11:37

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 02:59

Lol. Or people can just do whatever they want with their own precious amount of irreplaceable time, make decisions that suit them, and not bend themselves into a pretzel to offer free labour to suit the wants of entitled CFs 😂😅

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As someone that has received next to no help from PIL's whilst my SIL has had her parents practically raise her kid for her, this is now the mentality I have when my PIL's request to see us on our already busy weekends. I work 5 days a week and have young children.. so I certainly won't be bending myself into a pretzel to accommodate demands to see me on my only two days off.....

Crazyworldmum · 08/08/2025 07:56

To be honest I think it happens , and French not because of whose child comes first but because they don’t what to comment more hours after they realise how hard it is so the foray grandkids will probably get more

YelloDaisy · 08/08/2025 08:18

Well you could develop some hobbies so DH is doing more - I suspect that if he is regularly tied up at home DGM might magically find some time. I don’t know kids ages but the first DGC does get a lot of attention compared to following one’s. And the DGPs have then developed a relationship before others come along.