To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

How was the poster abrupt? She was only asking a question!

If you're usually so frosty then maybe that's why Pil don't have your DC more so they don't have to see you.

Read your posts back @Notyourproblem , I’m not surprised that your in-laws are reluctant to upset their daughter by cutting her childcare as you come across as very entitled and unpleasant . Perhaps they are now getting older and feel less able than when they started looking after the grandchildren and they feel obliged to maintain their current commitment but don’t want to add to it .

It’s very common for grandparents to favour their daughters’ children
Not right of course
Any conversation should be between your DH and his parents

She said she “expects” it and and has said they should give up their rest days to provide her with free childcare.

That sounds entitled.

This is on your DH. If he wants childcare, HE needs to ask and have that conversation, not you. Most real life MILs would not want to be too pushy, I know my mum and her friends worry more about offending their daughters in law than anything.

But equally, the first grandchildren DO tend to have the most attention. They were there first, the GPS will have a really strong bond with them etc.

You are, to an extent, trying to interfere with existing arrangements which was never going to go down well. They can't say to the grandchildren sorry, we can't hang out as much as there's a new baby now.

It is unfair, but I can see how it can happen.

Your PILs will have a different relationship with their daughter than they do with you, and are likely to feel more comfortable looking after her children, because they don’t feel they’ll be “told off” for doing things differently to you - I’m not saying you would do this!!! but you only have to read all the MIL threads here to see that a grandmother might be nervous about upsetting a DIL by not doing things “right”.

If things were the other way around, ie you’d had children first and then SIL wanted half of your childcare to stop to accommodate her new children, then you might feel aggrieved that your PILs were reneging on promises/commitments, especially if you then had to find alternative childcare.

And depending on how old SILs children are, your PIL might have discovered that actually looking after very young children is very tiring at their age, and if they are now a few years older than when they first looked after SIL’s, they may feel it’s now too much for them.

How old are they ? Is there any chance they are struggling to do childcare and are reluctant to take any more on but don't what to actually say that. My parents look after my ds once a week. They are starting to struggle because they are old and will get stopping in a few weeks

Integer possibility - do the GP feel their daughter needs more help due to mental health or something else ?

If there is literally no reason I think it's unfair yes

What unfairness? They already have a commitment and cannot add to that as they reserve themselves some rest days.

Why do you feel OP should be entitled to their rest?

I think grandchildren should be treated equally but a daughter in law is not the same as daughter. I was much closer to my paternal grandparent and I actually saw them more often. However, I recognise from an early age that was differences in the dynamic between my aunt children and my dad's children. My grandmother had to be more careful. Additionally, my grandmother and mother disliked each other.

You either expect them to renage on their existing childcare arrangements and drop their daughter in it, or double the amount of time they're providing childcare, resenting them having rest days?

Yeah, that's unreasonable and entitled.

It's pretty obvious they already had their hands full with their pre-existing commitments before you decided to start a family. You should have forseen they didn't have the capacity to help.

If you and SIL were both asking at the same time, with no pre-existing arrangements I would expect time offered to be to roughly equal assuming no extenuating circumstances. But that's not the case here. You can't expect them to drop existing commitments because you decided to have a baby.

Interesting point,the one for the therapy room probably. But I have never considered it. Thanks (no sarcasm)

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

however, I am basically in your SIL’s shoes. I am the only child (and only daughter, I have two brothers) who has had children for the last 10 years. My children are aged between 10 and 2. My parents have always, and still do, done the majority of our childcare. My brothers are now starting to have kids but my parents won’t be helping them in the same way, they like their routines and my kids are part of that routine, they are reluctant to change it. I’m sure my brothers will probably feel the same way as you and I wouldn’t blame them. It isn’t that they won’t love the kids the same, it’s just mine have been such a huge part of their life for so long it would be a massive change for them in their late 60s to start it all over again x

Anything for my kids is fitted around the other grandchildren and their care and yes it pisses us off. And this is just for visits as we live too far away for any actual help, but hearing about my MIl not being able to visit my children on their birthdays or Christmas because ‘what about the others’ she cares for for free several times a week is VERY annoying. My children have never had a family Christmas because of it. So I get the frustration but also would be grateful for any help as we get none at all even in emergencies.

You deal with the grandchild you have at the time. You don’t limit your contact with them so that you can allocate extra time for future grandchildren that may or may not arrive

OP, if you do require childcare, it should be your husband to manage that conversation with his parents - I don't think can have expectations on someone else's parents

I wouldn’t go out of my way to help you either, to be honest. You sound hugely entitled, and give the impression they somehow owe you their time and assistance. They don’t - whatever they’re willing to offer is a bonus. Your IL’s don’t exist as a convenience to make your life easier. Look after your own children, and take them to visit their grandparents so they can just enjoy each other’s company without all the pressure that ‘childcare’ involves.

Its up to the GPS maybe you EXPECT to much you sound very entitled.
Its not there fault what as happened with your parents.
Op some advice dont go around in life expecting things.
Your kids you deal with them now thats called becoming a parent.

I think it’s common for whoever has kids first to get more support, mainly because then those plans are already in place, jobs/nursery/school decisions made on that basis so it’s not always as easy as just cutting that support in half.

I also think rightly or wrongly that typically it is the daughter’s mum who provides more support, my MIL has virtually no relationship with my daughter and certainly has never helped us in any way whatsoever, my mum is much more involved.

Ultimately though here OP your annoyed at the wrong person because it’s not your place to ask PIL, it’s your husband’s. They are his parents. If he’s not actually even asking for help or support then you can’t be annoyed you aren’t receiving it.

How entitled are you? How would you feel if it was the other way around and the GP's cut your free childcare to take on SIL's kids, you would be livid I imagine.

No one should expect any childcare from anyone, they’re your children! If MIL already has childcare commitments it’s unfair of you to think she should either drops her hours with other grandchild to help you equally or run herself ragged looking after all the children

So, so many layers of unreasonable! Sometimes OPs take my breath away, in a “I can’t believe people think like this!” way. This is one of them.

Yes, make arrangements to cut the other support and allow equal help to us.

Dear God!😂

I think more context is needed

My brother had kids before we did. My SIL (DH’s sister) had kids before we did.

Our DC didn’t stand a chance in terms of child care OR even being visited.

just the luck of the draw family wise.

If you had had children first would you have been happy if GPs had dropped your childcare hours so they could look after SIL’s children.

If you have grandchildren do you expect all your free time to be taken up doing childcare so you have no free days during the week?