To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

It's not your mother in law's fault that your own mother isn't around.

It's not her gap to fill just so you get childcare.

Blame your mother's absence, not those who aren't filling it in the manner you feel entitled too.

OP did they make any promises when they knew you were expecting a baby? I've more sympathy when there's broken promises involved.

@Notyourproblem No I never expected the same amount as our circumstances are different. The age gaps mean it would be very difficult for my mother to manage all 3 at once now and I would never ask her to change the relationship she has with her older grandchildren.

Well they’re all their grandchildren, so I don’t think it should make a difference if you are a daughter or a DIL.

However, if they have already committed to childcare then you shouldn’t expect them to go back on that commitment. It might also be that they’re older and not able to provide the same level of care.

My mum provided a couple of days a week for my sister but I had children 10 years later by which time she’s had multiple joint replacements and can’t get onto the floor and back up easily. She reluctantly offered to help out, but I said no. I still make sure she sees the kids every week, but when she sees them her role is a doting grandma rather than a caregiver.

I think it’s pretty common to help with first/earlier DGC more. DGP’s get older and realise they can’t/do not want to do the same for all DGC.

My parents did full childcare for my sister’s DS. My PIL did full childcare for my DH’s siblings DS.

Both continue to provide huge support despite both DGC now being young adults.

DH and I haven’t had so much as an hour’s assistance from them since our bow 4 year old DS was born.

We paid £10,000’s in nursery fees and we’ve had to take a huge drop in household income to allow us to work and do all the school runs and holiday cover. Our siblings didn’t have to sacrifice a single thing.

It used to bother me a lot more in the early days but we’ve come to accept it now. Of course our and our DS’s relationship with our parents is very different to that of our siblings and their DC.

It’s unfair and I agree that it’s sad she doesn’t offer the help equally. However it’s easier to say no to new requests than go back on an existing arrangement.
I do think you are being quite harsh though, of course MIL needs to rest and do stuff between her childcare responsibilities. She deserves time too.

It depends. If the other sibling had their children first and GPs volunteered to provide child care then that's the arrangement. To then provide further childcare to other grandchildren is a huge ask while in theory it should be equal, the practicality of it is less so and of course they are entirely within their rights not to provide for either

There is no getting through to you is, there.

What gives you the right to expect or demand their "days of rest". You are not entitled to anything at all. You are getting support, you have said so. You are not remotely grateful. They would be fully within their rights to refuse to take your children at all ever.

Crikey no! When dd had a child I helped put a lot, still do and happy to have dgd . Shes older now and so am I. When DS has children no way will I be helping out like I did with DD. Babies are exhausting, toddlers even more so and I just don’t want to do it again. Had a chat with ds about it anyway and he knows I’m can’t do that level of childcare again. I have dgd one weekend a month, look after a disabled relative another two weekends a month and have the remaining weekend for myself. I’m going to have to be more hands off with dis’s children. If that disappoints his partner I hope she can understand and get over it. I like her but I’m done with kids

OP, why did you have children, if you weren't prepared to look after them yourself, or pay for childcare?

I'm a single mum, no family support, no partner, but I don't expect freebies. I've never had an issue.

You chose to be a parent with your husband. I bet you didn't consult the ILs beforehand, but seem to think it is your right to take away their retirement time. Can't you hear how entitled you are. Your children are your responsibility, not theirs.

You are not their daughter. If your husband has an issue he can take it up with his parents.

What support do you need? What are you (plural - you and your husband) struggling with that you need their support?

That's not me being goady BTW, it's a genuine Q from someone who has never had any childcare support beyond paid for services.

but they are now more than a decade older, so of course they can't offer the same

You sound awful, OP. So entitled. I'm not surprised they don't want to help you.

It’s a shame because it naturally leads to a much closer relationship with one set of grandchildren than the others.

Its happened with my dc. MIL was heavily involved in the childcare of SILs dc (one older, one younger than mine). They’re very close to those dc (which is nice, they are lovely, I don’t begrudge them this).

We never would have had that regular childcare due to distance which was obviously fine but they never offered anything at all. Have had them for a couple of weekends ever (they’re tween/teens now) and only see ours a couple of times a year and only if we make it happen. It’s a bit sad to be honest as my own mum is no longer around.

Technically, they should but in reality, if they have an established relationship and time earmarked for their DD's child, grandparents don't have enough time or energy to offer the same to another child. It's very common. It's OK to feel hurt by it.

That's a bit rude, given your don't know why my DM is not around.

Unfortunately, it’s reality for many families. We’ve heard lots of different (unprompted) justifications as to why SIL gets more childcare, and also trying to hide things they do with her kids (once again unprompted). At the end of the day it’s just how they prefer to spend their time. I genuinely think they are missing out on our children who are so much more loving, polite, grateful towards them than their cousins. It’s a bit of a cycle that golden children (and then their children) can sometimes be so spoiled it ruins them - they find it difficult to maintain relationships/marriages and don’t understand why the world doesn’t fall at their feet when mummy and daddy aren’t there. I’m going to work really hard to raise resilient, realistic, kind, unspoiled humans!

This exactly, I was also a single mum with no practical family support at all, and just got on with it, and enjoyed it, no issues

They don’t owe you anything OP. Your children are your children.

Also your husband could just have this conversation with them.

Maybe their daughter doesn’t have expectations of them doing childcare, so they’re more willing to help.

Nope, never expected the same childcare, or was offered it, and never felt jealous or offended by it.

The more OP posts, the more I understand why they don't want to put themselves out to help her.

Awful indeed.

Honestly Op you need to chill. They are your in laws and how they decide to provide childcare or not is their choice. Sounds like you are causing arguments with your husband and issues with his family over your resentment.
The daughter’s children were born first and that childcare relationship became established. The children must be older than yours and likely easier work all round for grandparents as they have that established routine. You cannot dictate what rest days your husbands parents get and what days the daughters children do nursery to then demand they accommodate your children. Your husbands parents seem happy as they are. Your own husband doesnt seem to care. You need to stop feeling so entitled to free childcare by your husbands parents.

They have limited time and their daughter for in first.

Form a relationship with your parents and ask them.

Also why are you resentful? You chose to have children.