To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

[summerviews]

I have been busy all weekend sanding the staircase. My son brought two big bags of washing down and asked if they could be done. I said of course.
An hour or so had passed and I thought I'd ask him to put a wash on. He did this, no bother.
A couple of hours later I asked him to pop his washing into the dryer. Which he did.
Roll on this evening my eldest came home and wanted to get a wash on ready for work tomorrow. He put it on a quick wash. Once it's done, he goes to the dryer and realises stuff is in there and it's still wet! My 16 yr old son says he doesn't know why, and wants to take it out regardless. I explain that he should keep it in the dryer and let it dry properly or the clothes will stink if left damp or wet. He tells me I'm to blame as the dryer is my responsibility. I let this narky comment slide and calmly tell him to leave the washing in and turn it back on.
I know what's happened, he's put his washing in there earlier and not started it at the beginning of the cycle, so it's only done a half cycle, if that. But I say nothing (I pick my battles).
Literally less than five mins later 16 yr old walks to dryer and begins to pull everything out to check if it's dry yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I say "son, do you actually want to die?! In a playful, yet exasperated tone. "Put the washing back in!" I get up and begin to make my way over there to put everything back in, as he's just standing there with an angry look. As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing) he's done that to me once before a very long time ago and he was distraught with himself for being so horrible to me. I'm shocked at his reactions to say the least as it was never that deep as I now realise he's being aggressive and this is ridiculous behaviour. I tell him to stop and to have some respect, I remind him I'm his mother and to never do that to me again because I won't tolerate it! He then loudly shouts that I'm a "BITCH!" in my face. So I quickly walk away from him. I'm literally gasping for words, as I'm so upset and shocked. I shout to him to pack a bag and get out, that I will not stand for violent abusive behaviour from a child of mine.
I text his dad to come and get him (were not together). I say to him, don't ask my why ATM, son will explain.
He goes upstairs packs some stuff and leaves, shouting a cheery "bye everyone!" as he goes. Once son has left, I text dad asking him to talk to son about domestic abuse and that I don't tolerate it, and that I am ashamed of son's actions.
An hour or so later my phone is flooded with voice notes and messages from his dad accusing me of saying "do you want to die??" And that son was right to react the way he did and me saying it was abusive and violent is just the sort of thing I would typically do.
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together. That's the reason I left him.
Since then he has been a great father. No signs of abuse with new partner and soin look up to him.
For the rest of the evening I'm told I'm cancerous and is why no one wants to be with me and I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother.
I remind him of the abuse he has done when together and that I should not have expected anything in the way of advice to son from such an abuser. He continues to flood my phone with how I deserved what I got when we were together and that son is better off with him as I'm a pathetic excuse.
I blocked him. I can't take anymore of his abuse. I have been sobbing all evening.
I know my son will be upset with his actions today.
I was hasty in calling his dad, I know that now. At the time I was frightened and wanted to show my son I wouldn't tolerate such abuse.
I'm still sobbing. I don't want my son turning out like his father. I shouldn't have sent him to him. I've sent him into the lions den.

This. I totally understand why it unravelled and his behaviour was very poor but he is 16 not 26.

I don't get it? Did you mean the wet clothes could kill him or were you actually saying if he kept taking clothes out he's be in danger of you killing him?

This is my point, I don't understand the way he was treated or spoken to at all. And that is based on what the mother has self reported about her own part in this, so I would guess the reality is worse

It sounds like you both overreacted.

You need to block the ex, let your ds communicate with him directly then you and your ds need to sit down apologise to each other and work out how you can do things better going forward.

Then sent him off with his abuser

That was just totally ridiculous over a load of wet washing, he's a teenager. If you say things like 'do you want to die?' you run the risk of an immature teen taking it literally. I cannot understand why anyone would use such a comment in those circumstances, even as a pathetic joke. If you had not said that the escalation might have been prevented. As it is your DS should probably stay at his Dad's until everyone calms down.

But you said “do you want to die?” Don’t condone his behaviour at all but why would you say that over a teen checking a dryer?

I KNEW MNrs would try and blame you. I get ii, its like "do you want to catch your death of cold?", you were trying to be jovial to diffuse his mood.

Anyway now you know. You have to be the perfect victim or you'll be picked apart over nonsense.
This place...

I remember a Head Teacher who worked with very hormonal, volatile young teenagers. They often would explode without a thought for the consequences and back themselves into a corner. He would always begin by apologising for them being so upset and asking how to help. The toughest, most aggressive teenagers usually backed down, cried and apologised. They just needed help to extricate themselves from a difficult situation.
OP, you are the adult, you are the parent. Threatening jokes are not a great idea for volatile teenagers.
Ring up your son, ask to talk. Apologise that things got out of hand. Almost certainly he will apologise too and you can restore a positive relationship. Otherwise this will linger on and before you know it, he will have built up in his head that you hate him. Do you want to this? It is up to you to reach out and give him the opportunity to apologise. Be the grown up.

In this context it CLEARLY means:
Clothes are still wet, they can get mouldy, so will affect your health

OP your son took this in another way. Like a physical threat to him. Kind of "I will kill you if you do not do your chores properly".

Your son's behaviour is not acceptable.
He possibly is on the extra testosterone phase, or he is being bullied, or he is watching some of this modern incel shite online... that is what the parents should be looking into. Not validatimg what he did as your ex is doing. His father does not seem to be the right person to broach the subject indeed.
Your son acted quick tempered, angry and out of control. But you did act quick tempered too OP in the sense you are regretting calling his father. Does he have grandparents? They could be a better option, to be honest.

Chuck his wet clothes in a garbage bag and put them outside the front door and tell him that he's forgotten something.

I think the ship has probably sailed on his core personality op. He's half his dad.

I hate that I have to live among these twatty jumped up teens - being a woman in the world is so much scarier than it used to be.

You did the right thing to boot him. Don't have him back.

Teenagers squaring up to their parents is part of growing up. My 2 sons did it to their dad.

They’re older now and more mature and wouldn’t dream of it, although they do still occasionally have a go at eachother.

It’s your ex that’s the problem as he’s condoning your son’s behaviour.

At 16 their brains aren’t mature, they still have hormones they can’t control. This is where it takes a male role model to explain how things are done. Your ex is not a role model. He’s clearly the opposite.

In this context it CLEARLY means:
Clothes are still wet, they can get mouldy, so will affect your health

Bloody hell, Jonathan Edwards couldn't make that leap.

As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing)

I think the OP has done a good job of explaining something that’s quite emotionally wrought ( and I hate to use the term triggering because it’s overused but probably accurate in this case). The clenched fists, the phrase “ SAY THAT AGAIN” written in capitals to convey the tone and the chest bump in a “ come on then” way. She’s explained it well.

This sounds very upsetting for you op. One thing I would say having a teenager and working with them, is
A) if he was struggling to work the dryer but no one was explaining what he'd done wrong, he was maybe feeling a bit embarrassed/ defensive. I know my teen massively struggles with feeling like she should know something but doesn't and would be moody with us if she felt we were laughing at her or getting irritated with her in that situation, but equally would be trying to save face and not just ask for help.

B) some training I did talked about teens perception of things and naturally as well as being more impulsive, they may also naturally be more quick to see something as anger or a threat, so even if logically he knows you wouldn't kill him over a drier, his gut reaction to a jokey comment could well be off and leap into defensive mode. (I'm probably exposing that wrong and I know I'm not using the correct terminology, but that was the gist!)

However, obviously his behaviour wasn't acceptable, and you need to nip that in the bud. It sounds like his dad will be winding him up against you and making him think he was right though, so I think you need to get him back with you, have an honest empathetic conversation about how both of you were feeling (baring in mind he may not he able to articulate it well though), but also that he's adult sized now and you can't live in a house with an adult man who physically threatens you, so there will be no second chances. Maybe consider if he needs anger management/ counselling to help him keep his side of that.

Agree. Good reply

This. I’m very confused too … it’s a very odd thing to say in those circumstances.

she was moving, he wasn't?

Anyway, neither of us were there, the impression I get from this account is obviously very different from the impression it gives you

I didn't get that from it, so expecting a teen to immediately think about health risks of mould in this situation sounds very unrealistic, if that is what op meant.

Maybe that was a 'joke' too. None of this sounds normal to me.

I have a 21 and almost 18yo sons who have never, not once, ever squared up to me or their dad. We’ve had many arguments during those years and while tempers have risen they have never ever sworn at me or threatened me. Squaring up is NOT normal behaviour, let’s not minimise aggression in young males, it leads to a miserable life for another woman later.

He chest bumped her. It really isn’t difficult to understand 🙄

Lots of good advice here OP, is any of it helping?