To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

[summerviews]

I have been busy all weekend sanding the staircase. My son brought two big bags of washing down and asked if they could be done. I said of course.
An hour or so had passed and I thought I'd ask him to put a wash on. He did this, no bother.
A couple of hours later I asked him to pop his washing into the dryer. Which he did.
Roll on this evening my eldest came home and wanted to get a wash on ready for work tomorrow. He put it on a quick wash. Once it's done, he goes to the dryer and realises stuff is in there and it's still wet! My 16 yr old son says he doesn't know why, and wants to take it out regardless. I explain that he should keep it in the dryer and let it dry properly or the clothes will stink if left damp or wet. He tells me I'm to blame as the dryer is my responsibility. I let this narky comment slide and calmly tell him to leave the washing in and turn it back on.
I know what's happened, he's put his washing in there earlier and not started it at the beginning of the cycle, so it's only done a half cycle, if that. But I say nothing (I pick my battles).
Literally less than five mins later 16 yr old walks to dryer and begins to pull everything out to check if it's dry yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I say "son, do you actually want to die?! In a playful, yet exasperated tone. "Put the washing back in!" I get up and begin to make my way over there to put everything back in, as he's just standing there with an angry look. As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing) he's done that to me once before a very long time ago and he was distraught with himself for being so horrible to me. I'm shocked at his reactions to say the least as it was never that deep as I now realise he's being aggressive and this is ridiculous behaviour. I tell him to stop and to have some respect, I remind him I'm his mother and to never do that to me again because I won't tolerate it! He then loudly shouts that I'm a "BITCH!" in my face. So I quickly walk away from him. I'm literally gasping for words, as I'm so upset and shocked. I shout to him to pack a bag and get out, that I will not stand for violent abusive behaviour from a child of mine.
I text his dad to come and get him (were not together). I say to him, don't ask my why ATM, son will explain.
He goes upstairs packs some stuff and leaves, shouting a cheery "bye everyone!" as he goes. Once son has left, I text dad asking him to talk to son about domestic abuse and that I don't tolerate it, and that I am ashamed of son's actions.
An hour or so later my phone is flooded with voice notes and messages from his dad accusing me of saying "do you want to die??" And that son was right to react the way he did and me saying it was abusive and violent is just the sort of thing I would typically do.
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together. That's the reason I left him.
Since then he has been a great father. No signs of abuse with new partner and soin look up to him.
For the rest of the evening I'm told I'm cancerous and is why no one wants to be with me and I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother.
I remind him of the abuse he has done when together and that I should not have expected anything in the way of advice to son from such an abuser. He continues to flood my phone with how I deserved what I got when we were together and that son is better off with him as I'm a pathetic excuse.
I blocked him. I can't take anymore of his abuse. I have been sobbing all evening.
I know my son will be upset with his actions today.
I was hasty in calling his dad, I know that now. At the time I was frightened and wanted to show my son I wouldn't tolerate such abuse.
I'm still sobbing. I don't want my son turning out like his father. I shouldn't have sent him to him. I've sent him into the lions den.

How dare he. There seems to be a spiralling number of teenage boys intimidating their mothers physically and verbally now. No throwaway joke (even if it landed wrong) justifies his behaviour. Leave him at his dad’s, he can come back when he’s ready to grovel. And tell him if he does that again he can live with Dad for good next time.

He behaved badly, but what did you mean when you said "do you want to die?" Because its an odd thing to say? A threat?

I wonder was it said similarly to "have you got a death wish" - but it doesn't sound like it was taken as a joke by the son.
Why would the abusive ex be a good person to discuss domestic abuse with?
I think him being out tonight is a good thing but I would message him (your son, not the ex) in the morning and ask to speak to him.

Please get your son away from his dad, having someone who is clearing misogynistic along with social media and the rise of misogyny generally will turn him on a very bad path. You don't have to be involved but when he goes back to school, please report to DSL and Head of Year just so they can get other services involved, it takes time but I have seen this oath be reversed when intervention occurs. You can also report to the police, call or message the non-emergency line 101, just to have it on record, along with the abusive messages and also so his dad's reaction will be kept on file (just in case). @summerviews I'm sorry about your experiences both from your son and his dad, you don't deserve any of it. You are not overreacting.

Why would you say that to your son. It’s a weird thing to say. Not condoning his behaviour as it was clearly poor but are you sure yours wasn’t too?

My first action would be to call the police. They have to learn this is what happens if you are violent towards a woman. It may seem harsh but even once is too often.
They need to learn fron day one this behaviour is unacceptable.
It probably wasnt a good idea to send him to his abusive father.

Of course your son knew it wasn't a death threat when you said 'do you want to die'. He was being a shit, probably influenced by his horrible father.

Your only mistake was expecting his dad to say something to him - he used this an opportunity to abuse you, rather than provide guidance to his son.

It is completely unacceptable for him to have squared up to you like that, and you were right to call him out on it. You need to show him that physical intimidation is always wrong.

Could your older son taln to him tomorrow, and let him know that his behaviour was unacceptable?

You can talk to him too, tell him you want him home, but there had to be respect, he does not square up to any woman ever again.

Your ex is a total prick. He took advantage of the situation, Your DS was completely out of order too, most likely learned behaviour from his father.
Your DS needs to acknowledge his mistake and seek counselling or anger management.
Can you connect with youth support groups in your area.
I'd give him the chance to redeem himself but he has to engage with services.

My comment to him was made in a "do you want a death wish" kind of jokey way. I didn't mean any harm at all 😞

He over-reacted. It wasn't threatening, pretty normal around here for parents to make playful threats, no-one is running for a weapon actually going to kill there child.

Do you want to die - is a bit of an odd thing to say to a teen checking the dryer

Anyway. He sounds like a raging bag of hormones. Iv 3 boys similar age. Happened couple times with older two.

I blanked them and walked away to de escalate the situation as they had wound themselves up too much to be able to regulate.

What's done is done. Block ex. Message son tomorrow and ask to meet with him for lunch or coffee. Have a chat. Explain how you felt and your door is always open etc. If he is receptive perhaps coping mechanism or a workkj g out a key word when he is wound up and need not take time out or needs space

Look—he is suxteen and he overreacted and experienced you as threatening him. And vice versa. Both of you are survivors of domestic abuse—both of you have PTSD. You also overreacted and treated him like a massive, threatening, male abuser. Like his father, in effect. You did not offer him any way to back down and reconnect or apologize to you while in the home. Now you are dealing with the fallout from this overreaction.

I get that at 16 he seems in your eyes to have jumped up to enemy territory. But there were lots of ways to de-escalate and return to normal relations. Stepping back, asking him to go to his room, apologizing for startling him, making a joke—these all might have defused his impetuous overreaction and allowed his more rational and maternal brain to come back on line. Throwing him out of the house and asking your abusive ex to play “big daddy” and threatening corrective was destructive to your mother/son relationship.

I think I might leave him to stew for a day or two before messaging him you need to meet up to chat. He will have felt bad today thinking of his poor behaviour towards you. Hopefully he will apologise to you.

Ultimately, he's a child and you have an obligation to continue to parent him. So address the bad behaviour, absolutely, but throwing him out isn't great. Sending him to another caring parent so you can both cool down isn't throwing him out, though.

I'd ignore your arsehole ex and try to reconnect with your ds.

I get it.

Its like "Mum, I am going for a bath now" when I am filthy after some DIY or something and me saying "Not unless you have a death wish you aint!!" in a laughy jokey way.

My youngest son got like this just before he turned 15. I was a single parent too and looking back he was trying to Alpha. Ended up with me slapping him around the face for screaming "FUCK OFF!!!!" right up close. So he called the police to get me arrested.

Got the biggest bollocking of his life from the police.

You slapped him round the face? WTF? That is not the same as what has happened to OP. Not on any level.

Bit of an over reaction on your part OP. So he forgot to put the dryer on a longer cycle so his clothes werent totally dry - all been there.

You are all far too aggressive with each other. It's become the norm. I get you meant it as a joke but that's very aggressive language. Family jokes can be far softer and sillier.

More worrying, given he must have witnessed or been aware of your ex's behaviour, is that he registered what you said as threatening not funny. Sounds like he's in a culture, among friends and his dad perhaps, where he has to stay alert to verbal threats of physical violence.

I'd want to chat to him. Explain it was meant as a light hearted joke and you want to hear his side of the story. How come he took it as a genuine threat? Really listen to him and get him to really listen to you about how it feels to have your own loved son use an offhand joke as a reason to physically attack you. Then both set some respect boundaries and stick to them.

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. It is horrible if someone behaves like that, regardless of whether it is a family member. It is shocking.

You were absolutely correct to say to your son his behaviour was completely unacceptable. I understand why you wanted him out of the house but maybe it wasn't best in this case because it is your son and not your ex husband who did this, and you need to keep a strong relationship with him.. He is not an abuser, like his dad, he is a hormonal teenager who behaved terribly but it was out of character. Maybe something else is going on with him at school or elsewhere for him.to lash out?

You can fix this situation. You need to set boundaries with your son but also get him to understand your shock and upset which led him to be asked to leave. Don't mention his dad at all and ignore his abusive dad's comments- the 'do you want to die' comment was so obviously a joke that he is being ridiculous trying to make out it was serious.

Your son will come back to you. Just be patient and give him time to understand his own behaviour was wrong.

'Do you want to die?' is incredibly aggressive directed at anyone but particularly at someone who has witnessed domestic abuse. He said, 'say that again' and I don't know why that wasn't the point were you said, 'sorry, it was a poorly phrased joke'.

You both reacted through the lens of people who have been made vulnerable by the actions of a thug, and then you phoned that thug up to pick up your son and sort things out.

I think you need to pick up your kid tomorrow and patch things up.

What you said was strange but his reaction wasn’t ok either.
I know it was desperation but sending him to his fathers sounds like it may have the opposite effect.
When he’s back apologise for what you said but also lay down some clear boundaries for both of you to break this cycle of abuse.

Exactly this

I get it, it was sarcasm /joking. Your son is a shit, call the police next time.
Sending him to his dad’s was a bad call but I can see why you did it. He will come back, once he’s calmed down.

I think you handled this very badly. Teenage boys are rude sometimes. How you handle this is crucial to your ongoing relationship. He was frustrated about the washing/drying. His behaviour was bad but you don’t tell your own child to leave in this sort of situation unless you are trying to be dramatic. You are the parent and the adult. Your teenage son is still learning how to handle anger and frustration and his brain is still ten years off being fully developed. He will make mistakes.

Whether or not you did the right thing in the heat of the moment isn’t really the important but now.
Do you want him to come back to live with you? That’s what you need to consider, and if so how are you going to go about that.
I’m gueasing his dad doesn’t want him there all off the time or he wouldn’t have been irritated and sent horrible texts, he’d have just welcomed him with or arms and ignored you. So if you do want him back, then your ex is probably with you on that. You’ll have to be subtle about it though your ex and your DS don’t just tell you can’t have what you want.

Personally I do think you were too hasty. You were trying to make a stand to show the behaviour totally wasn’t acceptable, but I think at 16 a very firm verbal warning would have been more appropriate. And you haven’t actually thrown him out, he’s just spending some time with his father. That is what I would emphasise to your DS; you haven’t “thrown him out” and abandoned him, you both just needed some time to cool off.