To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

Maybe he just has different food rules in his home. You need to assert yours in your home.

’No more snacks right now, it’ll be tea time very soon’

‘Oh so sorry, there aren’t any seconds today.’

If he persists - ‘I said no, please stop asking.’

Aw. I had this too. My daughters friend came over and ate everything and asked for more. I did feel a bit peeved until I found out they were not looked after by their parent properly and often went hungry
Could this be the case?

Do you not have any control over what food you give him. Why don't you just say no? I'm so confused that this random child keeps demanding food and you keep just giving it to him?

Can't you just say no to him?

It's quite easy, just tell him you only let children have one cereal bar and a piece of fruit.

And after tea, if he asks for more, just tell him there isn't any more.

You're the adult here, you decide how much and when.

Very odd that he is coming several times a week and you are expected to give him his dinner.
A snack after school fine, but not dinner.

Have a 75p loaf of bread and tell him it’s toast or nothing. If he’s hungry he’ll eat it. If it’s pure greed he won’t.

You don’t have to give him what he asks for. If he says he’s hungry after normal snack just either offer plain bread and butter or say no. If he asks for cake and you don’t wan to give him any, say no.

Extra plain pasta is really not expensive, but once you don’t want to give him any more just say no, there isn’t any more. It won’t kill him to wait until he gets home to get more food.

I would be getting snacks pre prepared for them on a plate or something and say that's it til tea time.
At tea time, I would just cook enough for normal portions and say that is it. I definitely wouldn't be cooking extra or giving them lots more food that I was saving for myself/another day etc.
Also I'd be restricting it to once a week at the most.
Does your DS ever go to his house?

It’s ok to say no.

His parents aren't deliberately sending him hungry if he's come straight from school which provides free breakfast and lunch.

Another poster here who doesn't understand why you don't say no

my daughter had a friend like this, always at our house, always wanting food. It transpired that her mother had a long-standing ED and was very thin, and meted out terribly meagre food portions as if they were normal. Tremendously sad.

Yes, you are being tight as you are saying it is getting expensive. You do mind or you wouldn't be here posting about it.

you don’t really know what is going on with this child. Is he not being fed enough at home? If that is the case and you can feed a hungry child - why complain?

Is he doing a lot of sport at school and building up an appetite? so is arriving hungry? Does that make a difference? There is still an hungry child visiting you. Are they going through a growth spurt?

If you really don’t mind, are not being tight - why not just get in things that you can afford to give him in bulk? Brand - buy the cheaper brand for when he comes over. Fill him up with beans on toast or a jacket potato and brand with cheese on the days he visits. Same for pasta. Get cheaper brand for the day he visits.

bulk - fill him with bulky food as above or add rice cakes as snacks. Or rice pudding - cheap to make and fills them right up. Oat bars from whole oats - really heavy in the tummy, fills them up. Cheap to make.

Is he very slim or on the chunky side? I would say if he's a big lad it's likely just how things are at home and setting some rules would work, or asking his parents to send him with his own after school snacks

If he looks underweight I'd be concerned his food intake is limited at home and wouldn't want to restrict him and would probably let him have what he wants, but maybe get in some cheaper options, own brand snacks, make some flapjacks etc

Does your child go to his?

I think I’ve ended up in a bit of a cycle with it. The first couple of times he came over, he said he was hungry so I gave him snacks, and it’s just escalated from there. Now he expects it and I haven’t known how to rein it back in without seeming unkind. He’s not cheeky or rude about it, just very matter of fact, like it’s normal to have three bowls of food and still ask for pudding. I suppose I’ve been trying to avoid making it awkward or having him feel told off when he’s just a guest.

I hadn’t really thought much about the food situation at home until some of you mentioned it. It could just be a big appetite, but now I’m wondering. He always turns up starving, eats really quickly and doesn’t seem to have had anything since lunch. I know his mum works a lot and there’s no dad in the picture, so maybe things are stretched. I don’t want to be unkind if he’s not getting enough at home, but I also can’t keep doing full dinners several times a week when I’m already feeding three of my own. Especially with the cost of food now.

I think I do need to set some limits. Maybe just stick to one snack and no seconds at tea. I’ll try saying it more firmly but kindly. I just feel so uncomfortable doing that with someone else’s child, especially if I think they might be going hungry. It’s such a tricky one.

Yes, you are being tight as you are saying it is getting expensive.

That's not being tight. Maybe the OP hasn't got unlimited funds to buy all this food.

I also find this surprising. I'd be appalled to have a 7 year old guest demanding food - awful manners.

Ah your OP title says “ my friend’s child” but because you haven’t mentioned the other Mum, I’m guessing you meant to post “ my child’s friend”? Are you friendly with the boy’s Mum? Might be worth a casual chat with her.

If you’re feeding them things like pasta and beans, it’s not going expensive to give the friend as much as he wants. If the cost is an issue, I’d just always have a couple of really cheap cakes I the cupboard that he can eat .

Pasta is pretty much free. Could you stock up on cheap crackers and apples then make extra pasta when he visits? It seems a shame to not encourage a friendship.

i agree about having a cheap loaf of bread and some jam. You can say snacks have changed and now it’s toast and 1 piece of fruit.

i lived with a foster family for a while who didn’t feed me properly so I paid myself for biscuits which kept me ticking over. Some extra calories make the difference at this age , but to offer toast is fine.

As others have said limit what you give him and don't worry about saying no, I've said no to plenty primary school boys and none have been remotely upset

Going against the grain here but how big our your portion sizes small, normal size ? I only ask as my older teenage ds friend mums does not cook no where near enough food as hers have tiny appetites where my ds has a big appetite sadly he always comes home starving after being at theirs. E.g. 1 medium pizza divided between 5 and no sides .I assume she is so used to feeding kids who hardly eat so she is not used to it. Bless DS he is worried they can't afford food so never asks for more

I buy Dececco as this is the only brand I like which isn't particularly cheap.

Why is this kid at your house several times per week for dinner - do you have an arrangement? If not send him home when it's dinner time.

I’m sorry there are no left overs for seconds today.
I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to pick up a pudding today
I’m sorry I’ve only snacks but they are for lunches this week
I’m sorry I don’t have but you could have a piece of fruit?